Life itself is in my way.

Its funny how much I allow myself to get worked up over things.

Since my last trip to Prince George, the one thing I've been excited for, is to go back. Its been over 3 months, and I've really missed being there. I just don't know what would happen if/when I go back... I always think of myself as quite a considerate person, always worrying about everyone else before me. Yet again, I do that. She has her own demons to battle right now, and my biggest fear is that I am going to cause a rift by making another appearance.

Between me and my blog, I've often wondered if my appearances have amplified the events that have transpired to begin with. I don't mean to cause trouble, but it seems trouble finds me more often than not. Of course, this is strictly just thoughts in my head, nothing is fact.

At the end of the day it is her decision. I would love nothing more than to spend Spring Break in Prince George, but not if it is going to be taxing on her. I am sure she will let me know though.

That is the main thing that is on my mind on a daily basis. Its not something I obsess about, but its something that I do feel is important to me.

Besides that things have been going relatively good. I have been spending a great deal of time with my lovely friends, whom mean the world to me. Nina is coming along quite well, and can't wait to see that bundle of joy in July.

I am procrastinating about school. While my desire to become a teacher is there, the drive is there, for some reason the application motivation isn't... its tough. I don't know why.

I want to be that White Knight, atop a Fiery Steed. That one who is always there to help you whenever you need it. *sigh* I wish there was a way.

"Age" can sure run fast.

Well, I tried running from it, but alas, age has a good set of legs, and caught me before I made it 10 feet away.

24..

Will write more later I am sure, lately I have been blogless in terms of ideas. The same few things run rampant in my head, but you all don't need to know about them... that or you already do know about them, because I've talked about them before. *shrug* Who knows.

A Year End Review, part 1.

2007 was a rollercoaster of emotions, a series of events that at some points made me even believe I wasn't going to make it to the end. In the end though, things worked out and I am still standing, which is a good thing definitely.

I left the country and ventured into America for the first time in my life, by myself. I have to admit, that crossing that threshold was a pretty big step for me. Hell, it had been 12 years since I left the province. It was a great experience for me, a huge culture and social shock, but I wouldn't change anything about it. Went to my first convention ever! (Go Blizzcon), rekindled some friendships on the way there and back, and of course, started some new friendships while I was down there.

Back in my EQ Days, I wanted so badly to go visit Jade in Washington state. The guild I was in for a good solid 3 years at least, was having a big get together for a few days down there, and I really wanted to go. Of course, I had no idea what flights/busses would cost me, and I was only maybe 14... This year I got my chance though. Went and visited 4 guild members and met 2 more at Blizzcon. It was great. Fantastic.

I finished off my year at the school district. It was a great year, my first, and while I had hoped to go to school in the next September, I am not disappointed that I am working a second year in the district. I am at a great school, with fantastic staff.

I started playing LoTRO with Rachel. Lots of fun, we have a blast. The kin she is in that I joined, is full of a spectacular group of people. They welcomed me with open arms, while not liking where I came from, accept me for the player I am. Its really great to see.

I enjoy my games, nothing is going to change that. I am happy to know that I have friends who share the same love for the games as I do. While we may not all play the same games, we can all appreciate that they do have a fun factor that differs from the outside world. So long as we don't get completely absorbed into the gaming world, we are fine.

We had a few great dinners over the year too! One was a huge potluck dinner that I think we over VERY well. Thanks to Anita and Steve for the place of party, and everyone else who showed up! We also had a small group together for boxing day. A big turkey cooked by the wonderful Anita, and everyone else contributed to ensure the dinner was a good one.

I am lighting a fire under my ass to get me started for school next year. I so badly want to attend school and get my teaching degree started. Because of that, I took back my old job at Extra Foods a few hours a week, to help with a little coin towards school. Here's to hoping! On the downside, it required me to shave, which after a month now, it isn't too bad being clean shaven... Dunno what anyone else thinks though.

Alright, thats about all for the typing for now. Part 1 is now done. We'll see what I can write for part 2... I need caffeine.

Take care my friends, may 2008 allow you the happiness and fun you so deserve.

-Ryan, Exiled.

Time works against me...

Do you ever get the feeling that time is against you; that there is never enough time to do the things you want to, when you should have the chance to?

Thats what I am feeling today. The day flew by. But its not even the day its been the last week, the holidays. I want to see friends that have come back to town, but I just don't have the time to get out and see them. Schedules once again collide and nothing works the way I want it to.

Life goes on I guess.

My Monitor was shipped yesterday, and one of the shirts is in Richmond, or left it already, should be here tomorrow or Saturday. That cheers me up a bit. Just need to finish the rest and get it shipped out.

Played a few hours of squash today with Eso and Court. Court came back from GP for the holidays. It was really good to chat again, although we spent more time playing squash than chatting. But it was a great run, great games, and we are definitely gonna be playing again.

Thats about it for todays ramblings. I feel a lot better. Had a good long chat with a special someone, that helped bring me out of my pit of despair, and back onto solid ground. Thanks darling.

Take care friends; May the New Year welcome you with open arms.

I keep doing it to myself...

I am sitting here writing in one of my moods... which, as you've probably already learned, is rarely good for anyone. Simply put the closer it got to Christmas, the more down I let myself sink. I am frustrated, borderline mad, with myself and my actions over the past week or so. I should be cheery, and happy, but I can't help but allow myself to wallow after seeing everything around me.

Christmas brings people closer. There are wedding proposals between friends of mine, though not as close friends as others, some more "high school classmates", just due to our lack of communication over the years. My cousin just gave birth to a wonderful baby boy, who I have yet to see, but that doesn't make the event any less spectacular. I am really proud of her, and its great. I just find a way to look at the negative side of it. Its the same everytime I am around couples and whatnot... just inner jealousy burning. I am such a selfish person.

I fucked up with gifts... I had screwed up at her birthday, with a maxed credit card, that instead of sending the gift, it just waited, and told me I was declined. Go figure, now that my credit card isn't maxed, I tried again.... now, if only it didn't get held up in Kentucky of all places. Its frustrating. I really wanted to get this gift sent out, instead it sits in limbo, and I look like a jackass.

I know its all trivial, but it meant a lot to me, and I felt bad for screwing it up. Lord knows what she must be thinking. We haven't talked much during this past week, both have been busy, and paths just don't mesh like they used to. Totally understandable, but still sucks. I really don't like disappointing friends, but it seems to be commonplace lately. Maybe in the new year that can be rectified.

This second job isn't all its cut out to be either. I can handle 4 hr shifts, but these 8.5s are killing me. I just don't have the drive to be there that I used to. While the extra pocket change is great, and it will help in the coming days ahead, its still tough to do.

Its not all bad though, don't get me wrong, I am not always being an emo-bitch. I am thankful for what time I get to chat with Rach, and the time I get to spend with friends. Nina is coming along nicely. Starting to show a little, which is good. It'll be great to see a new life in this world, and one in her care to boot. :)

I am getting excited about the thoughts of school at UNBC. I really want to be a teacher, I really think I would be good at it. I just need to get over this hurdle of doubt that always haunts me. The past at OUC... the horrible feeling watching myself fail... I don't want that anymore.

I am contemplating a trip... just after new years... Shhhh. its a secret. I just dunno how busy she'll be. I don't want to just show up, only to find she's working like 15 hr shifts, and is dead tired and doesn't even really want me around. That wouldn't be a very good thing. I'll check my work schedule tomorrow, and see what can be done about it. I would really like to make a quick trip up there, even if its for a few days. But, its not a one-way street... just showing up would be very rude, on one hand... However, at the same time, the surprise (if she didn't have her own plans of course) would be worth it.

I know I am being emo, but right now, I just... yeah, its hard not to be right now. As always I will bounce out of it in a day or two, but for now I will write.

-Ryan, Exiled.

Happy Holidays!

To all my friends, family, loved ones; I want to take this time to extend a hearty best wishes, Merry Christmas, or anything, in any way/shape/form that you celebrate during this time.

Stay safe friends, and look forward to seeing you all in the New Year.

-Ryan

A simple quote...

Love me when I deserve it the least,
As that is when I need it the most.