The life of a fool.

This is my controlled space where I try my best to get most of my venting done. A lot of you don't read this because of that, and that is fine. Of course if you stumble upon this, please note that its simply putting my thoughts to words. I don't name names anymore, but alas, sometimes you still realize who you are when you are talked about.

Why do I feel like a fool? Let me tell you.

People have always told me I worry too much, that I put more concern into the welfare of others, than I do of my own self. Absolutely, and let me be the first to tell you that hasn't stopped. Despite everything I have been told, the advice, which I take to heart, but obviously it stays there and doesn't make it to my brain, I still find myself second, and everyone else who matters to me first. Due to that, I have watched my health plummet yet again. Not to the point where it has been, but I find myself dizzy at times, and very weak at others. I am eating more, yes, eating better yes, but still, the health decreases rapidly. That makes me feel foolish. That I can be so stupid not to realize that everyone is concerned about me, and in turn I still neglect myself and worry about you all.

When will I learn to put myself first? The only thing that I ever want to do to put myself first, is to get on that bus. But even then, I am unsure about that, simply because if its an inconvenience to you, then I'd be more concerned with your feelings on the subject and not mine. A lovely predicament I've gotten myself into it seems.

I understand fully that people have their own lives, and I can't be apart of them 24/7. Totally understandable. Hard to convince myself of it, but its understandable. I would be lying through my teeth if I said I was fine every time I found myself sitting alone. I am sure there is some medical term for that... Dependant or something. I need to feel like I am doing something. I need to feel like I am making a difference, that I actually have worth. Therein lies my problem... a lot of the time I am just sitting around, even online by myself, it makes no difference... thats when the thoughts start to brood.

Yeah, you probably look at me and say "Jesus Christ, what the hell is this guy's problem?". Truthfully, I think the problem lies within the fact that for once in my life, I am not needed. Its gotten to that point now. My friends have, for the most part, figured everything out, and I am no longer needed as that person to vent to, or that "bitching post"... Sure there are occasional times, thats fine... but not nearly as much as it was before.

Where does that leave me now though? What do I do with my life now that everyone has figured their own out?

Do you start to see where I have my problems? I am lost. I am a hypocrite, helping others to find their way, offering any assistance I can into their lives to make things a shred easier for them, and in turn I have become so dependent on that, that I have forgotten how to take care of myself.

I know this is a lot of bitching, and I apologize...

I am just finding it hard to cope with the fact that my life as I know it is about to change drastically and well.. I worry that I might get left out of even my own life.

Looks...

They say a picture is worth a thousand words...

Today I found out that not only does a picture have a thousand bad things to say about me, but it also can slap, and kick you. In the end the outcome is certain, it hurts.

I see pictures of myself and realize I am not a very good looking person... people assure me otherwise, but lately I've felt that is just to make me feel better. I see pictures of me from the side, and am absolutely disgusted by what I see. I... yeah.

I need a haircut too, my hair is growing a bit too long now, but unfortunately I am worried that once I get that haircut, my speedy path to baldness will become more visible.

All things combined this has left me with very little self esteem. I try to look at the bright side of things, but when a picture is shown to me, anything positive is quickly eradicated by the simple sight of a picture.

How does one deal with this though? I try to walk when I can, though these days that is less than I would like. I am really stumped. I still drink coke, more than I should, and still laze around the house, but that doesn't mean I am not active. 3 different sports, 2 jobs which I am on my feet at both for a good 90% of the shifts... I just can't seem to get myself looking a bit better.

Maybe its just a few select pictures that have me feeling so down, but its almost like I have a slouch too... great, now I am sporting a hunchback of Notre dame appearance... fantastic.

To top things off, I've been having serious communication issues... its like whatever plagues me is reaching out to people and fully turns them off from my presence... I mean, its apparent its a problem when I can't even get a hello out of some of my closest friends.

Of course, they may be busy, or have other pressing matters to attend to, but still, the fact remains that day after day I feel more and more alone in this world than I ever have.

Its a mood though, its obvious. Look at the signs. I am not like this often. Its usually when I get home late at night that I have these issues. Of course this will pass...

I am having doubts now too... School especially. I want to teach, but now I wonder if UNBC is the answer... maybe I should be taking courses here at the college...

Am I truly ready to step out into the world again? I cracked under the pressure in Kelowna and have done nothing but hide in the shadows since that fateful year. What does the world have in store for me?

So, as it stands, I've got a lovely list of things that need to be taken care of in the very near future.

1) Get out of this mood.
2) Try to figure out what I've done to cause these communication issues.
3) Finish my application process for school... No harm in at least applying.
4) Lose 20-30 lbs... fast. (without starving myself at the same time)
5) Slowly cut back on my gaming addiction... Maybe close an account or two. Not quit outright.


Lastly I suppose I can work a bit more on being a better person for those around me. Maybe thats what is missing... I don't have the world's problems on my shoulders right now, and its making me feel worse because of it...

What am I going to do?

Apologies.

Just wanted to simply say I am sorry. I write things that may be seen as hurtful, and know that I don't mean any ill will or whatnot, I am simply writing my thoughts.

The fact of the matter is, I allow myself to fall off the path and allow these moods to fester. In due time they disappear, but that doesn't mean they don't do their damage.

I know you guys care.
I know you are always there for me whenever I need it.
I know that deep down, I am not falling behind, I merely had to retrace some steps when my life changed.

I'm sorry.

On that note, today was a bit better. The mood is still there, its one of those things you just KNOW is there. But it was dormant.

Miss you.

Talking outloud...

Do you ever feel as if you can do no good in this world?

Do you ever feel as if everything you try to do to be the best you can for someone falls short?

Do you ever feel as if no matter how much you try to take on the burdens of everyone around you, it just isn't enough?

Do you ever feel as if no one truly cares?

I'm lost again. Consumed by a mood that is far worse than any other before. I am in a state currently where I feel like who I am, everything about me, just isn't good enough for those I cherish the most. Sure, I might be wrong, hell, I pray I am wrong... but its a feeling that plagues me.

That has been more or less, the extent of my weekend. Feeling like I am second best to everyone.

I am jealous too... jealous of so much, so much that I have no control over... yet it eats at me.

I allow it though... I don't know how to stop these feelings, but don't go looking to find the remedy either.

I am just ranting though. Sometimes writing it down helps me break free of its bonds...

I just worry (always worrying) that people read this and instantly assume the worst... I am fine... I will be fine...

Certain things that happen though lead me to believe that maybe I am not completely wrong... I think I have offended people... to the point where things have changed... I guess I just don't like it...

But what can I do... You all have your lives to live.

Life itself is in my way.

Its funny how much I allow myself to get worked up over things.

Since my last trip to Prince George, the one thing I've been excited for, is to go back. Its been over 3 months, and I've really missed being there. I just don't know what would happen if/when I go back... I always think of myself as quite a considerate person, always worrying about everyone else before me. Yet again, I do that. She has her own demons to battle right now, and my biggest fear is that I am going to cause a rift by making another appearance.

Between me and my blog, I've often wondered if my appearances have amplified the events that have transpired to begin with. I don't mean to cause trouble, but it seems trouble finds me more often than not. Of course, this is strictly just thoughts in my head, nothing is fact.

At the end of the day it is her decision. I would love nothing more than to spend Spring Break in Prince George, but not if it is going to be taxing on her. I am sure she will let me know though.

That is the main thing that is on my mind on a daily basis. Its not something I obsess about, but its something that I do feel is important to me.

Besides that things have been going relatively good. I have been spending a great deal of time with my lovely friends, whom mean the world to me. Nina is coming along quite well, and can't wait to see that bundle of joy in July.

I am procrastinating about school. While my desire to become a teacher is there, the drive is there, for some reason the application motivation isn't... its tough. I don't know why.

I want to be that White Knight, atop a Fiery Steed. That one who is always there to help you whenever you need it. *sigh* I wish there was a way.