Shadows In My Soul.

Hail my friends, I hope the holiday treated you all well.

A rollercoaster of emotions has befallen me yet again. I have my ups, and then they are quickly washed away by a downward spiral of thoughts.

Sleep has left me. Abandoned me. I cannot bring myself to rest more than 2 hours unless I succumb to exhaustion. The thought of being alone, noone to talk to, cripples me. I try to cope, but find myself staying up countless hours into the night in hopes someone will be able to strike up a conversation with me. She was right, the companionship is what I've lost, what I yearn for. She is not what I so dearly need, its just the thought of having someone near me that I strive for.

I press on, and will continue to do so. However the lack of sleep leaves me feeling emptier than usual. I hope to rid myself of these sleeping troubles soon. With the new year fast approaching I need to be in the best of health. I can't afford to ruin another New Years.

Forgive me for posting this. It is merely my way of releasing some emo tension. It has zero relevence and will only serve to depress me even more the next day.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.
Sleep love, forever sleep. Your soul is mine, your heart shall weep.

Christmas Cometh Again!

So, that wonderful time of the year comes again. I don't feel bad though. I feel happy. I have my friends, and I couldn't ask for more. The weekend was good. Last night was an interesting night to say the least.

The evening started like any other night, with very little talking, and very little in terms of people online. The night was pretty much belly up as far as I knew. Folks were going to the bar and whatnot, but without an invitation sent my way, I figured it'd be best if I stayed away. Jon had his staff party, and the after party that followed, and he wanted Nina to go with him. Turns out we decided to go to shorty's a go from there. So, now plans have been made. The night was great though. I dragged Ivan out, and then Crawford, and Einarson showed up with others and it truly was epic. We all drank there for a bit. I fed Nina a bit too much booze I think, because we were both drunk by the time we decided to walk to the surf. Of course, everyone else beat us there, but we had a nice chat so it was good. Gotta keep my sanity somehow.

So yeah, we get to the surf and its absolutely packed. Full house. Me and Nina waited outside for a few, and upon getting in, grabbed a drink, and hit the floor. Now, those who know me, know I hate dancing. Hate it with every fiber of my being. Yet, I had told Nina I'd be there to keep an eye on her, and dance with her, and that I did. I had fun, I looked like an idiot, and felt like an idiot, but I had a blast dancing up a storm with her. <3

1:45am rolls around, and I wish her the best in getting home, and take my leave. Drunk as hell, I had to make it home intime to call Anita for Farscape! I got home, and gave her a call, and we ended up watching the "epic" trilogy of Farscape that she wanted to watch. Then we watched the season ender, which *grumble* was To be Continued... so we watch the 2nd part... 7:30am rolls around and she heads home. Tired, so very tired. 5 hours of Farscape will do that.

Was on WoW afterwards, and got to talking, and I guess I said something I wasn't supposed to, and might've made someone mad. I know now that they werent that mad, or mad at all, but I thought they were, and was really angry at myself. To counteract that, I drank.. 4 total gibson's shots later, 9:00am rolls around, still alive and kicking, on the verge of passing out. So yeah, many drinks, and much Farscape, makes for a truly epic night.

That was a good way to end the night. I really enjoy Farscape, and watching it with friends is even better, especially when she teaches me to pronounce the names properly.. Lawls. Micron! Frill!

Anyways... Yeah, it was a great night, a night I'm glad I went to, and didn't just stay home by myself. A night Im glad I was able to bring a great friend like Anita over, and watch truly epic episodes of Farscape. Mmmm Silk =D

On the topic of Christmas. To my friends, Family, Enemies, Others.. I wish you the best of the best for the Holiday season. Be safe, have fun, and most of all, remember that I love you all. You've been the best to me, kept my in this world for another period of time, hopefully one thats long enough to watch us all get old :) I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas, as I will be talking to you shortly enough... Well, Lawls.. some of you.

Take care my friends... My best wishes to you and yours.

The dungeon isn't so dark and dank anymore... I refuse to let myself slide into oblivion.

-Ryan Last, Exiled
To be with me is... Rapture.

Trouble Always Comes In Three.

I truly wonder what the other two troubles will be.

May god have mercy on my soul.

To Be With Me Is... Rapture.

rap·ture
–noun
1.ecstatic joy or delight; joyful ecstasy.
2.Often, raptures. an utterance or expression of ecstatic delight.

Yeah, that about hits it right on the head. This may be an ego boost, but I like to think that right now, I need one. A pick me up if you will. Like using a Stim-Pak in Starcraft it sends you to new heights for a while, and you don't care about the consequences until the high wears off.

Emotionally and mentally, I feel great! Physically I feel horrible. My back has been acting up again, and it makes for a really long day at work. Going back to the emotional/mental aspects of Ryan however, you'll find that I am in a brighter mood than I have been the past few days. Ivan, a buddy of mine who moved away for school, came over today to be social, and it was great to see him. The last time we had crossed paths before this was 20minutes at Tim Hortons, about two years ago, and before that, while we were in high school. So, yeah, it was great. To see my friends, see how they are succeeding, how they are handling life, it was great. We played cards, and reminisced about the past few years, how they had been treating us. He was curious about how I was handling things, which is good. Its nice to see friends are concerned even though they haven't heard anything in years.

I don't have such a bleak outlook on life anymore either. Its tough, don't get me wrong, and I'm not gonna be over everything as fast as I want to, but I do know one thing. I'm a great person, and can and will press on regardless. (Ego boost +5). The holidays won't be so bad. I'm still considering Midnight Mass, even though I am not a very religious person (There is a god out there, I just haven't or he hasn't found him/me) I found the last years Midnight mass to be one of the more calm, relaxing, and purifying times of my life. Anyways, I have a few days to decide, and to figure out if I want to go with my folks again, or if I want to just brave the church by myself. Cleanse myself of evil for one night, and truly be at peace.

The holiday's won't be so bad. I fully intend to ambush Eso/Anita, and Jon/Nina a few times over the break, making sure that I dont have extended periods of alone time. Enough time alone, and one can start having quite a few problems arise. Mentally atleast.

Anyways, to wrap this up. Two more days, until I am off work for my vacation, and during that time, Im not going to be depressed. Despite my previous thoughts of keeping myself in my dungeon for the holidays, to myself, alone and pathetic, I've decided that would be something the Ryan before me would've done. This Ryan however, wouldn't allow himself to wallow in his own filth. (Anita/Nina both commented on the fact that I always smell nice <3) class="pg">

Breaking Down Again...

I thought I was fine. I thought things were on the right path, that I was doing good finally. While I do admit I feel I am on the right path, I have just come to realize how narrow that path is, and how easy it is to fall off and hit rock bottom again.

The slightest thing, like seeing poetry written without dates, but reading the words, one can only assume its recent. It tears me apart, and inflicts more damage on myself than I could ever dream of doing. Reading words about awaiting a knight, a new knight, to take her away from this madness just crushes me. Her hero, now tainted and stained has been cast aside for a younger, newer one. One with potential, the proper bloodline of a hero. The pain.

I don't know what to do now, Im back at the bottom of things. I know the climb is a bit easier, because I know where the footholds are that will help me advance, the feelings right now are just as bad as they were a few months ago.

Where did I go wrong?

You'd think that someone like myself, someone who prides himself on his lack of emotions, would be able to handle something like that? I thought so to, but obviously based off my writing, that just wasn't the case.

Someday I'll be able to handle it all. Someday.

With the holiday season coming up, I am going to be a wreck. My dark dungeon seems like the ideal hiding spot, but that would be the old me. I will be out, and continue the social life, but its going to hurt. The memories of our first christmas, still etched into my skull. The look on her face, when she comes home to that little tree, with the lone ornament "Our First Christmas" the knowledge that there were many more to come..

Then I start racking my brain. How could someone plan so far into the future, at a time like Christmas, when they were so unhappy. I.. *sigh* those kind of thoughts kill me. I can't accept that there was unhappiness for so long, yet there were times when we were so content with the future that was coming. Look at Loki for example. I try to ensure that he is the happiest cat ever, with the knowledge that he was brought into a home of unhappiness, a home that wasn't going to be the one he thought he was coming into. A home of seperation. If I could turn back time, my one wish would be to spare him that ordeal, and would just have him by myself.

This should be a swift recovery I hope, I log into WoW and chat with my friends and things start to look better. I get to play Hockey tonight, and its the last week of classes before the holiday, things are good.

To the happy couple, I suppose it would be nice to wish them the best, and safe wishes for the holiday and whatnot, but right now... I can't. I'm sorry, but it would be wrong to wish false words of praise and happiness onto someone, despite everything.

Take care,

-Ryan Last, Exiled

The All Seeing Eye

Sees all and knows all.

It was a good weekend. We had a nice time at Bowling, and took it relatively easy afterwards. I wasn't feeling good, my stomach still not agreeing with me (as I puked up my dinner 5 minutes after finishing at 12:30am). I relaxed and pvp'd with Nina, who had to leave early to watch Ariana. The rest of the gang went drinking elsewhere.

So, we had a good night that night. I found myself chatting with Nina for most it, which is something I rarely find time to do (Just sit down and chat)

So, the next day we arranged for Kelsey/Kristina to spend the night at my place, and babysit Ariana so that we could have everyone, including Nina, drinking for Jon's birthday. Nina doesnt get to truly enjoy herself like that, and I felt it'd be a perfect opportunity. The night went by great! We found ourselves drinking until about 5:30am, when we started to burn out. Kristen, Gerry, etc left a bit early, and the rest of us stayed at Nina's house. We all had a blast, and it was well worth it.

So, in conclusion, a good weekend all around. Was a nice change to get together with everyone where we can all have fun and laugh, and enjoy each others company. I look forward to many more nights like this. Its truly good to be back to my old, fun loving self.

Til next time my friends,

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

The Week So Far...

Well, its hockey night tonight, Hurray! If all goes as it should, I should be playing goalie tonight. Time to show these guys how a real goalie plays.

The week has been alright, very little has happened that has been worth noting. I've spent the last few nights inside, playing WoW chatting with friends. All in all, a very uneventful yet good week. Did my tutoring this week, and did my work, cleaned a bit... not enough, but a bit, and then just relaxed. Relaxing is good sometimes, it really helps.

So yeah, failed... no, bombed my driving test. Fucked up at the first intersection when some cocksucker ran out into the crosswalk when it there was no indication it was safe to walk.. asshat.

Ohh well, its done and over with. Time to move on.

I'm still stuck waiting for the results of my application for school. Time is running out, and frankly, I could use the notice to get my funding in gear.

Farscape has sucked me in like Criton into that wurmhole. I'm really quite enjoying the show, the fantasy of it all. Its really good, and looking forward to the rest of the seasons.

VAMPIRE!

WoW came out with the new patch on Tuesday, which lets me get access to new talents. Huzzah! Now if the game wasn't so heavy on the latency we'd be alright.

Anywho, I'm off. Tutoring soon, kinda wanna shut my eyes briefly.

Take care my friends, and best of luck

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

The best way to deal with pain...

is to inflict more upon yourself.

I suffered from severe pain in my head for the majority of Saturday morning/afternoon. I was unprepared and didn't deal with things the way I should've. Lunch at La Cucina's with Eso and Hakkzor definately helped though. I relaxed the rest of the afternoon/early evening and prepared for the night ahead by cleaning up the house.

Wires got crossed in the planning process. Due to Anita having to work, I thought it might be a good idea to try and get something going a bit earlier so that she could hang out with us all. Alas she came by, and folks decided they wanted to wait til after the hockey game to come by. So, Anita and I sat and watched a Farscape episode and just chatted, not much else to do when we don't properly communicate with the circle.

After the canucks slim win over the Avalanche, folks started to arrive. The night started I thought, despite Eso not coming. Eventually a few words were spoken and I ended stabbing a knife into the table to prove a point, and it didn't go over too well (Next time I'll think about more, before I do something like that). Regardless, the gathering continued with a large chunk of card games that have everyone drinking quite heavily.

So, the night went on well, I actually really enjoyed myself, and was glad that everyone came over and had a good time. Next time I'll think things through properly though... Although I suspect next Saturday may be a bit smaller of a gathering, depending on how certain people interact with each other. But that is none of my concern as it is merely Sunday night.

Sunday was a rough day... Gerry got sick and passed out at my place, so I took the couch and barely got any sleep, which was quite disturbing considering the amount of alcohol I consumed. (Remind me that I need to fully clean the bathroom again). Anyways, yeah, it was a really slack day today. Anita came by in the afternoon after work, and delivered Loki's new water fountain. <3 Anita. We chatted, and she went home and we all played WoW for the rest of the evening.

Eso had hockey again tonight, so I went and watched that while hoping that enough people signed up so I could play, but alas, still waiting. They won though, which is good. Im looking forward for Thursday so that I can get a good run in again.

Anyways, so yeah, thats about all that really happened over the last 36 hours.. It was a good weekend and Im glad everyone got along for the most part. I look forward to more weekends like this, where we come together as friends and enjoy each others company.

Also, Ilmer's birthday, total mad grats to Ilmer on the RL Ding. Totally glad he came by Saturday for a few drinks.

Take care my friends, and as always, thank you for the help, encouragement and confidence during these hard time.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

My head. My god the pain of it all.

Wow, what can I say. It was truly an epic night. It was my younger sister's birthday last night, so I started my evening over at the folks house seeing family and whatnot.

At 7:30ish, I made my way to the local bowling alley for another night of laughter, booze, and women... lawls. I hit the ground at speeds in which I've never seen before, starting the evening off with a triple gibsons, and never looked back. Like 7 doubles, and 1 single later, I was feeling great, actually, I was feeling drunk. Better yet, I WAS drunk.

We drank quite a bit while watching the team bowl, and when all was said in done, we bowled more. Man, it was hard bowling when really drunk. I taught Nina the tricks of the trade, if you shake your ass left to right to left 5 times, and then bowl, you totally get a strike. Heheh. *wink*

So yeah, we all bowled for about another hour or so, and then decided to hit up Nina's house for a little after-bowling party session. A few of us cabbed there, and the rest went to PJ's for an OD on Chicken. All in all it turned out to be a good night. I totally WoW'd a bit at Nina's. Said hello to friends and spammed shit with caps lock and stuff.

So, the night ended we all parted ways... I really should've been prepared for this, because man, it hurt. I didnt take anything for the hangover that came, I didnt have water in the filter, I didn't have anything. The hangover hit me like a truck down an icy highway. Man, I couldn't even get out of bed this morning when Hakkz0rs cellphone, which he forgot totally was ringing.

So, now I sit here, my head hurts to the point that the blood pumping sounds like voices and I havent taken anything to combat the pain... Ohh man. And to think, we're drinking again tonight!

Take care my friends, until the next time we meet.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.