Time works against me...

Do you ever get the feeling that time is against you; that there is never enough time to do the things you want to, when you should have the chance to?

Thats what I am feeling today. The day flew by. But its not even the day its been the last week, the holidays. I want to see friends that have come back to town, but I just don't have the time to get out and see them. Schedules once again collide and nothing works the way I want it to.

Life goes on I guess.

My Monitor was shipped yesterday, and one of the shirts is in Richmond, or left it already, should be here tomorrow or Saturday. That cheers me up a bit. Just need to finish the rest and get it shipped out.

Played a few hours of squash today with Eso and Court. Court came back from GP for the holidays. It was really good to chat again, although we spent more time playing squash than chatting. But it was a great run, great games, and we are definitely gonna be playing again.

Thats about it for todays ramblings. I feel a lot better. Had a good long chat with a special someone, that helped bring me out of my pit of despair, and back onto solid ground. Thanks darling.

Take care friends; May the New Year welcome you with open arms.

I keep doing it to myself...

I am sitting here writing in one of my moods... which, as you've probably already learned, is rarely good for anyone. Simply put the closer it got to Christmas, the more down I let myself sink. I am frustrated, borderline mad, with myself and my actions over the past week or so. I should be cheery, and happy, but I can't help but allow myself to wallow after seeing everything around me.

Christmas brings people closer. There are wedding proposals between friends of mine, though not as close friends as others, some more "high school classmates", just due to our lack of communication over the years. My cousin just gave birth to a wonderful baby boy, who I have yet to see, but that doesn't make the event any less spectacular. I am really proud of her, and its great. I just find a way to look at the negative side of it. Its the same everytime I am around couples and whatnot... just inner jealousy burning. I am such a selfish person.

I fucked up with gifts... I had screwed up at her birthday, with a maxed credit card, that instead of sending the gift, it just waited, and told me I was declined. Go figure, now that my credit card isn't maxed, I tried again.... now, if only it didn't get held up in Kentucky of all places. Its frustrating. I really wanted to get this gift sent out, instead it sits in limbo, and I look like a jackass.

I know its all trivial, but it meant a lot to me, and I felt bad for screwing it up. Lord knows what she must be thinking. We haven't talked much during this past week, both have been busy, and paths just don't mesh like they used to. Totally understandable, but still sucks. I really don't like disappointing friends, but it seems to be commonplace lately. Maybe in the new year that can be rectified.

This second job isn't all its cut out to be either. I can handle 4 hr shifts, but these 8.5s are killing me. I just don't have the drive to be there that I used to. While the extra pocket change is great, and it will help in the coming days ahead, its still tough to do.

Its not all bad though, don't get me wrong, I am not always being an emo-bitch. I am thankful for what time I get to chat with Rach, and the time I get to spend with friends. Nina is coming along nicely. Starting to show a little, which is good. It'll be great to see a new life in this world, and one in her care to boot. :)

I am getting excited about the thoughts of school at UNBC. I really want to be a teacher, I really think I would be good at it. I just need to get over this hurdle of doubt that always haunts me. The past at OUC... the horrible feeling watching myself fail... I don't want that anymore.

I am contemplating a trip... just after new years... Shhhh. its a secret. I just dunno how busy she'll be. I don't want to just show up, only to find she's working like 15 hr shifts, and is dead tired and doesn't even really want me around. That wouldn't be a very good thing. I'll check my work schedule tomorrow, and see what can be done about it. I would really like to make a quick trip up there, even if its for a few days. But, its not a one-way street... just showing up would be very rude, on one hand... However, at the same time, the surprise (if she didn't have her own plans of course) would be worth it.

I know I am being emo, but right now, I just... yeah, its hard not to be right now. As always I will bounce out of it in a day or two, but for now I will write.

-Ryan, Exiled.

Happy Holidays!

To all my friends, family, loved ones; I want to take this time to extend a hearty best wishes, Merry Christmas, or anything, in any way/shape/form that you celebrate during this time.

Stay safe friends, and look forward to seeing you all in the New Year.

-Ryan

A simple quote...

Love me when I deserve it the least,
As that is when I need it the most.

Here we are again.

Well Blog, here I am again. Seems like I am posting a lot more, and well... I guess I am now aren't I? Not that there is anything wrong with that. Most of my posts are just mindless drivel, or bitching/whining/moaning, so well.. yeah.

Things haven't been too bad lately, all things considered. I am still standing. I was off coke for 5 days... I had a Coke Zero last night, just because I was really getting bad. Coke Zero has no sugar though, so to me, thats still alright, since well.. the sugar content of coke is whats killing me. One of these every few days though should help make the process easier. I won't be drinking like 4 a day type thing though.

Got some very interesting news this week, and while I didn't take it the best those first few hours, since then I am in a lot better mind and realize that it is the greatest thing. Congrats darling.

Sitting here waiting for my ride to work... my ankle flared up this morning, I mean... its probably my fault, stepped out of bed onto a ps2 controller, and it twisted wrong... but hey! How was I supposed to know that controller would be there. Bah!

We played our first game of Hockey on Sunday, and won to boot! 7-6 in a shootout, huzzah! It was good. I didn't run all out, but I got a few good shifts in and was pleased.

Well.. hope all is well on your end guys.

Miss you,

-Ryan; Exiled.

Question?

I spend a lot of time thinking as you all know, and well, I got a question...

At what point do you step back from everything, or do you keep going, keep trying despite what you think you are picking up, vibe wise from those around you?

Its a weird question, thats not the way I think it needs to be worded, but its hard to take all the thoughts from my mind and put them into one question.

I guess what I am trying to get at, is that I don't want to add to the confusion and chaos of life, but am too stubborn to back down. At the same time, I worry I am not pushing hard enough to make my presence known... I don't know. Everything is confusing.

Just another random thought from my head.

Drained.

I am drained. Simple as that. I have run out of energy.

Someone help...

Always fighting something...

Thats about it. It isn't rare that I am fighting something at some point during my life.. This week's competitor is the stomach flu. It has really hit me hard the last 2 days and I am feeling it still. The flu has been going around though, a few others have it, and its not fun.

I've also decided its time to quit drinking coke. For real this time. No more rum/cokes or anything. I am stopping this now. It is going to be a tough run, but I am sure I can handle it with the help of friends around me.

Christmas is coming up, and I am still undecided if I want to do anything. I've thought about a tree, but in reality it isn't going to bring me any extra cheer, so I'll probably skip the whole idea.

I don't even know what I am going to do... the obvious idea is there, but I am not able to make a trip right now, financially. I need to get my debts cleared.

That is about it, going to try and get a bit of sleep... ugh.

Take care friends.

Shadows looming overhead.

I am disappointed.

I feel let down.

I have waited months for this book. Books are everything to me right now. I love to read. Alas, the one book I've waited so long for get released and do we get it in town? Of course not. Why on Earth would we get a book on release day, or even within 5 days after release day?

Suffice to say it has left a sour taste in my mouth.

So here I sit, with no book... Confessor eludes me, lord knows when it will be in. I strategically planned my reading so that I finished Phantom on Friday. Payday. I'd go down, buy Confessor and read the final book of the series at a nice pace, just after finishing Phantom... Now I have no book for tomorrow at work.

Thats about all I have to rant about this weekend. I feel ill, my sleeping sucks, and I am confused as all hell about my life.

Hope you guys had a better weekend.

Over the hills and far away...

Life has been good lately. I can honestly sit back and say that with conviction in my voice. I am not really having many bad days, they do happen but for the most part I believe that I am doing good. Prince George was good for me, despite lacking a bit of fundage at the moment, I have no regrets. My Sleep Apnea took a vacation of its own while I was gone, giving me the opportunity for a week of perfect sleep, waking up refreshed and ready for the new day. Rachel and I talked, we think it might be stress induced. I had been stressing a lot the past few months before I went to PG. Some minor things, some major, but stress is stress in whatever shape/form it comes in.

I miss Prince George though. I miss what was there, the different lifestyle. Most of all I miss being around Rachel. It hasn't even been two weeks since I left, and already I long to return. I know I can't, not yet at least. We have fun together, never a bad moment, never a comment meant to hurt or anything, hell the only time we ever come close to an argument is about who is and isn't allowed to say sorry, or about me helping with dishes (I will do them one day Rachel!). We get along great, and I am always with a smile. Even really depressing news that arrives while I am there, while it hurts, and still does hurt, didn't remove the smile from my face while I was there.

Halloween was awesome. Rachel and I put a great deal of effort, in minimal time into our costumes and I think they turned out simply amazing. Tier 5 Warlock with his sexy succubus. Who was truly the master though... even I don't know that answer. Suffice to say it made for a great evening, and I loved the looks people gave us at the restaurant. It was fantastic. My shoulder spikes made for a nuisance at the table for the waitresses to walk past lol!

Part of me wishes I was still there. But then I know that it would be awkward for Rachel, and anyone else there for that matter. I don't want to make things awkward for anyone. I just want to be where I am comfortable, and see my future. PG will hopefully be my future for school come September. Now, that isn't saying that I am not happy here in Rupert, because that isn't true. I am happy here, I just don't see my future in Rupert. At least not the next couple years.

I am trying to get my life in gear, my career, and well, all in all, my future. I feel like I've been left in the dust. So many people around me are going off to med school, or are finishing up their apprenticeships, and here I am still without any real post secondary education. I don't regret my decisions (A very special someone told me never to regret), I do however think that I need to learn from these decisions, and capitalize on it for next time.

I look forward to seeing if I can get into UNBC. I've wandered the school and like what I see. Although I won't put all my eggs in one basket, as I will try other schools as well, who knows BCIT, or SFU or whatnot. We'll see where the future takes me. All I know is that I am going one way or another.

I hurt my ankle a few weeks back, and it is having a hard time healing. Try as I might to bandage it and whatnot, it still hurts a lot of the time. Hockey season is fast approaching and I need to be in my best form to last. I am contemplating Squash on sunday to try things out, but that might not work. We'll see though.

I've taken a break from WoW. Its not going to be a really long break, but it will be a break. I have stopped raiding for now, and while upon my return I still won't be raiding, I will be back among my friends here having fun and pvping etc.

I am playing LoTRO a bit more with Rachel, Ric, Jane and Mike. I am branching out and meeting new people, and getting to know them slowly. These things take time. I am having fun though, and that is what matters.

I wish there was more for me to say. Christmas is coming up soon. I don't know what I am doing though. Ugh.

I wish the answers were a bit easier for me to grasp though... I really don't like wandering aimlessly for too long. The direction of my life is there though, I just need to figure it out.

Til next we meet my friends, farewell.

-Ryan.

...I miss you.

Bliss.

Evening friends,

I am home now, back in Prince Rupert.

I had a phenomenal time in Prince George with Rachel.

Warlock/Succubus was a complete success. *claps*

I'll write more, and more detailed in the days to come, worry not.

Life.

Quoted from Terry Goodkind's "Pillars of Creation".

"The past can teach us, through experience, how to accomplish things in the future, comfort us with cherished memories, and provide the foundation of what has already been accomplished. But only the future holds life. To live in the past is to embrace what is dead. To live life to its fullest, each day must be created anew. As rational, thinking beings we must use our intellect, not a blind devotion to what has come before, to make rational choices."

This quote just leaps out to me. It makes me actually sit back and think about how I am progressing into the future. Am I living life to its fullest? Sometimes I think I am falling short of that goal. Other times though, I am confident I am doing things that I was meant to do, being with people I was meant to be with. That is all there is to it.

Things are looking up though. I leave for Prince George on Friday. I can't wait. My only disappointment is that Rachel's birthday gift still isn't here. I guess Rogue's do it from behind will simply have to wait until after her birthday. /tear

I am very excited for Halloween too! We are gonna have a blast. It is going to be great. I wonder if it will snow?

Speaking of weather, we've had a horrible amount of rain the last week and a bit... its been stormy, thunder/lightning, hail even. Wish I could send some down to you guys in California Caity. I'll do my best.

I worry about Caity/Logan and the family. Caity says her nose is constantly bleeding from the copper smell from the fire. While they haven't been exvacuated, its visible. Its sad to hear. I just hope all is well.

I get to do my pre-bowling tomorrow night, instead of hockey, and hopefully that will go alright. I don't like missing bowling, but I want to get as much time in Prince George as I can. As such, I leave mid-game Friday.

My mind is still torn into fragments concerning certain things, but I am picking up the pieces and should be back in control shortly, worry not.

I also think its time to take another trip to Vancouver for another sleep study. My Apnea has been really bad lately, and I don't know what to do about it. Nina suggests maybe looking into the machine, but I really.. Really, don't want to. Not yet at least.

Take care friends, til next we meet.

And you! My sexy succubus. See you Saturday morning.

-Ryan

Talga Vassternich

We meet again, and this time on a even battlefield. No guerrilla tactics or cheap shots, oh no, just a simple level battlefield to which we can end this.

That seems to be the general state within my mind. I've decided its time to rid myself of some of the cobwebs and older problematic thoughts in my head. I am finally seeing the light of my life, and realize that there is no room for corruption, and things that would lead me astray. Consider this an early Spring cleaning, or maybe a late one... who knows.

It has been over a year now... Funny how the time flies by. I still receive the occasional phone call looking for her, mail also, but that has ceased recently. I think I've changed quite drastically over the last 12 months, for the better of course. My core group of friends and I have been spending time together. Curling is underway for Nina, Anita, Eso and I which is great. We are having a blast doing it too. I think life is looking up.

I leave in 10 days for Prince George, for what will probably be my last visit of this year. I have been chomping at the bit to come visit Rachel again, and enjoy her company, and that of the friends around her. Her Birthday is coming too! It falls shortly after I arrive, which is great! The Mistress with be in high demand during my stay there. Rachel and I are becoming great friends, and I couldn't be happier with that.

So far things have been going good. Been heading out and spending time with friends having drinks, and dancing. All around good fun. Although some friends can't attend events, which is never any fun. Someday we'll hit a Thursday night Surf.

Hopefully during November, until the snow at least, Nina and I will get our walking started again. Her new job keeps her quite busy, but we'll find a way... somehow.

I do wish I got to see more of Nina though. We always talked of the three of us (Anita too!) watching movies after bowling, or on another night, but never get the chance to. *sigh* Someday.

Still contemplating trying to find a new place to live though. I am so far gone from the group of friends it isn't funny. To be closer to them all would be nice. However, it isn't always possible.

Anyways, I think I will end my rambling there.

Take care friends, and as always, I wish you the best life has to offer.

Talga Vassternich (Deserve Victory)

Til next we meet,

-Ryan

You.

I am not pleased with your actions.

An Unholy Alliance...

"The Wheel of Time turns, and Ages come and pass, leaving memories that become legend. Legend fades to myth, and even myth is long forgotten when the Age that gave it birth comes again." - Robert Jordan.

Always liked that quote. I sometimes think of my life as that. Time goes on and slowly memories fall through the cracks and become nothing more than myths. Of course, this doesn't happen with everything. Some memories are so dear that you cling to them with every ounce of energy you can muster. Never wanting to let go, never giving an inch.

Thanksgiving is here. A time for togetherness, sharing, caring, and all around a good time to be had with friends and family. Funny how that works eh? Anyways, the days will pass fast and then just as quickly as it came, it will be gone again. Maybe next year I will try and plan something. Something big. Who knows though, time will tell. There are plenty of Holidays that need attention before Thanksgiving comes again.

I do have things to be thankful for. First off, I am thankful to even be alive. I've had some pretty rough moments over the last year that at times, led me to believe I would never see this day. I am glad that is gone now, because at this point in my life, I couldn't think of things being the way they were, with those thoughts in my head. I am here now, and glad to be. I am thankful for the friends I have. You guys/girls have simply been amazing to me, and I thank my lucky stars to have you in my life every day. I am also thankful for the friendships that have come back to me. Rachel, Ric and Jane, I am so happy that we started talking again, its just so nice to be able to come visit, and strengthen these friendships. A very wise woman once told me that she couldn't remember a time before we started talking. To know that just makes me smile. I can't even bring words to say how I felt reading those words.

I am finding the roller coaster slowing down... I have bad days, and stressful days, but they aren't self inflicted anymore. Actions of others can set me off, but not nearly as much. I am finding my armor, bit by bit, piece by piece. In due time, nothing like that will phase me, as it was once before. Now don't get me wrong, this won't mean I will be a stone all the time. It just means that people who jab at me to get a reaction out of me won't get the satisfaction of seeing it. In due time.

We curled on Thursday, just practice but curled for the first time in quite some time. It was a blast. I think we are going to have a lot of fun this year with Curling/Bowling/Floor Hockey. I am stoked!

Things are getting better. I am worrying less and less about myself, and finding that the world can hold itself up just as well without me underneath it.

Everything will be just fine.

Til next we meet. May it be on good terms, lest ye taste the steel of my daggers.

To be in your warm embrace again.

Watch these daggers fly...

The heart wants what it wants. I can't argue that. Truth be told, I too, want what the heart wants. I look forward to the day when I finally find the answers of the heart. That day will simply be a day to remember, for all eternity.

This week has started off quite well, with the exception of my wrists flaring up quite a bit. School has been going well and I find myself getting better nights rest. The new assignment is awesome, and I have a lot more freedom, and a lot less stress.

I sold my cards again, so I will have additional money for my trip to Prince George. Rachel, worry not, Dinner is on me this time. (or is dinner me? *Rawr*) I am looking forward, as always to the trip. Rachel and Ric's birthdays will be great. We'll have a blast, as we always do. I haven't decided how long I will stay, but I will make sure every day is a good day, and we have lots of fun. (We'll hit Save on Foods atleast twice a day, just cause we love it there)

Looking forward to bowling this weekend, should be good. Afterwards I think a few of us are going to try and watch a movie or two. A bunch of the others will hit the bar, but I think I'll be waiting for Saturday for that. It should be good.

Its really quite something to be at the same school as Ariana. She seems to be getting along great with students, most of the time, and she seems to behave quite well at lunch/recess, from what I've seen while out on duty. Its simply amazing to watch her grow up. It also gives me and Nina more chance to sit and bullshit, and make sure all is well.

This was just a brief entry, to give some of you a little fuel for the coming cold... I'll provide short controlled bursts of my life for you, just to ensure you don't freeze during the Winter.

The Daggers come back...

Evening friends, once again I bring for you a plate of a variety of forms of mindless drivel, and information that you probably don't need to, or want to for that matter, hear. But then of course, this is my space to put things, so it really doesn't matter. Onwards I go.

I don't really know what I am doing anymore. I get that feeling like I am spinning around aimlessly again, and I really need to rid myself of that. Everytime I think my life is taking direction, and I am making progress, it is snatched away from me by an unknown and unseen force. It is quite disheartening. I just don't know what to do about it.

I have a general look at my future. I am going back to school. School lasts 6 years... that is a very long time, although potential for longer is there, if I go for my Masters instead of my teaching. Anything is possible. But that is just a very basic look at my future. The finer details aren't there. The finer details are what I strive to find out about.

The thought of going to Europe is still in my mind. I am really seriously considering a 2nd job, to afford the funds to go on a trip of this magnitude. I really think I would have a lot of fun with Rachel/Ric/Jane in Europe. Even if I only caught them for a few weeks, it would still be great. It would be expensive, yes. But it would be something that would stick with me forever.

At the same time, if I was unable to go with them, I'd consider going to some place by myself. Now I know its dangerous to go by myself, but noone else can really go with me, because of work and whatnot, so it would be me on my own. Sounds like loads of fun, I know... Going to some place like Rome by oneself, lol. Such is life.

Bowling has been going alright. Its a lot of fun. Anita and I are on a team, with a few others from Softball, and the manager of the alley. Its fun. Of course, we are usually pretty far away from the other team of friends, Eso/Nina/Kristen/Eunice, so we don't get to sit and have fun together as a group as much as we did the times before, but its still good. Once Curling starts up, we'll be hanging out as a group a lot more I am sure. Well, Myself/Eso/Anita and Nina.

Work has gotten a lot better this week. I worked the last two days of the week in my new position, and I am very happy with it. So happy that I had a really nice sleep Thursday night, which has been a rarity for me these past months. I hope the rest of the year goes great in this posting.

With my work changed, to a point where I believe I will be happy the whole year, I am not going to be considering moving anywhere. Not until atleast the end of the summer. (If I get to school at UNBC or other places). I'm sorry Rachel, I know how happy you'd be if I was moving to PG. :P

Downside to the job I am in is the amount of abuse my immune system takes. Currently I am just feeling like hell. Practically dead to the world. Sometimes wish I was. Haven't been able to keep any food down this afternoon/evening, and the cough is just crippling. Somedays I just dunno about myself. Of course, it helps if I was actually healthy.

Thanksgiving is fast approaching. I don't think my folks are doing anything this year, maybe just a simple dinner. I dunno. I think I am going to get Loki some nice cat food, and just relax with a sandwich or something. Some folks are doing a Thanksgiving dinner, or trying to, but the guest list isn't as appealing to me as others. As such I will keep my distance from that event. Sorry darling. :(

I need to get my hair dyed again. I have to remember to talk to my boss at work on Monday about any policies regarding hair dying. Part of me wants to put red back in it again, but I just don't know what I will do. My hair right now is just downright ruined. The sun from california just turned my hair (the bits that were dyed) almost a blondish color, and then a bit of silver and brown makes for just... a different hair color... I don't like it though, especially with a goute that is coming in a different color.

Suffice to say I am just trying to find my place in the world right now.I feel like an outcast somedays, hearing information from 3rd party sources about things friends are doing, that I am not included in, or just not being in the right place/time. Getting overlooked for things that I may actually want to do, but my past preferences would corrupt their judgement.

My heart is still in thrall too. It doesn't know what it wants to do. Where it wants to go. But more often than not I will be hoping it tells me, because I so want to be out of this limbo that is my current state. I want to be happy in ALL aspects of life, and there are a few that I am not as happy with as others.

This has gone on long enough, I thank you for reading, as always. Quickly now, go and tell others who need to know. /sigh.

Til next we meet.

Thoughts torment.

We all know that I think too much. The mind is an amazing thing, but has also proven time and time again that it can cause nothing but trouble.

I think about relationships. If my need to be in one is simply just my insecurity with being alone, or if it is a feeling that I need to know that I am appreciated. I don't know. Remember, I am not a doctor. Part of me is afraid to have my heart broken again though. I don't take well to that sort of thing, and I think it is a wall too high to climb over lately. I wish I had the answers.

I've often thought about moving. I don't know where, I don't know how I'd get there, but I've thought of moving. Maybe it would help me? My closest friends would be hurt by such a sporadic move on my part, but that would probably be it. Truth be told, I doubt the rest of the crew would be too lost without me. But how am I to know, there isn't too much communication in those sorts of things. Remember though, this is simply my thoughts. Don't read into this as I am determined. Note the title? Its just whats in my head.

I am trying to think of myself though. I do extend a helping hand whenever it is needed to anyone really, but that has taken its toll on me, and now I need to focus a bit more on myself. Now, don't go reading this as a "I don't want to help anyone anymore" mentality, I just simply feel that I've neglected myself and really need to sit back, and deal with my own demons.

That is where the moving comes into play. Would moving help me? Would it cause more problems? Would it leave me feeling lower than I already feel? So many questions that need answers.

At the same time, I don't think I could move away from my friends, especially my closest friends. While I am there for them when they need me, they are there more for me when I need them. To walk away from that would seem foolish no?

I've started a new job at Lax Kxeen. I am not as excited as I've been about jobs in the past, because the mornings are quite stressful. I will leave it at that. The afternoons are nice though, I really do enjoy working with my old teachers when I was in elementary school. I will keep with it and see what progress I make. If it gets to me though, I won't feel bad for stepping back. Sometimes it just can't be helped.

Bowling season is underway, and Hockey is fast approaching. Curling will be next month too, so things are, as I said in my last post, going to get busy. With all this underway, moving seems like a hard thing to consider. Especially because I'd be letting down teams now, as well as friends.

I am planning on taking another trip to Prince George around the 26/27th of October. I am not going to lie, I miss hanging out with Rachel. That is all there is too it. There is a void within me now, after being able to hang with Rachel/Ric/Jane/Rob/Lane and folks. While the void doesn't eat at me, its there. Thankfully it can go periods of time without feeding, just like me.

Now don't get me wrong. I have a blast hanging out with my friends. Just lately we don't see much of each other. We do in WoW, but not as much in person. I'd love to get a movie night or something with a few friends, or even another potluck dinner. I think that would be awesome. Something to bring us all together with. That is something to consider in planning. I think most of the friends are doing something for Thanksgiving, but that is out of my hands as others are planning it.

I'm having fun in Lord of the Rings Online too. The people within Rachel's kinship are really great. We have fun chatting, and they come down and help me out, since I am still a bit behind. But definitely fun to talk with. I find certain aspects of LoTRO quite fun, as I was showing Anita last night. The Emotes are simply hilarious. From handstands and pushups all the way to cowering in fear. They actually do emote too. I am waiting still to break my instance cherry in LoTRO. I think Sunday we are going to try for an instance. We'll see what happens though.

I've also contemplated a second job. Mon/Tue/Thur/Sat nights maybe. Something to help pay off the debts and whatnot. Its still up in the air though. I refuse to work where I'd have to shave the goutee. I don't mind doing upkeep on it, but I am not shaving it. It is going to be a tough call.

School is stil another big thought in my head. Currently if I went for a 6 year program to get my teaching degree (4 years for a Bachelor Science with a major in Physics or Psycology and then 2 years teaching program (its quite extensive at UNBC)) would put me at 30 when I was done... mentally that is huge. 30 years old... good lord. But at the same time, that leaves me 35 years to teach... thats pretty damn cool.

So that is the task at hand, figuring out how I am going to go about an education for teaching degree, figure out my work, figure out my relationship situation, and figure out my head... That doesn't seem too much for one person, right?

Til next we meet my friends, hopefully it will be a bit better of an update.

A Long Overdue Entry.

Well Blog, its me again. Hope you weren't too lonely while I was away gallivanting.

Things have been alright. I was a little disappointed yesterday when I found out that my position at Kanata wasn't given the hours, so they couldn't keep me. It hurt to have to tell the kids, especially the ones I helped last year, that I wasn't coming back. I am sure they'll find someone great though.

I just got back from Prince George. I took another trip to see Rachel and hang with Ric/Jane and friends, and I definitely had a blast. Spent a lot of time with them, despite the three of em all being sick. Rachel worked, but even that didn't put much of a dent into the week. We drank, danced, watched a bunch of movies and just relaxed. It was bliss.

I find myself really liking Rachel though. A beautiful smart woman, not to mention a D&D and MMO gamer. Absolutely a blast to hang around with, and makes me feel like a million bucks. We get along great I find. How could a guy not like that? In the end though... I just know my feelings. Not too mention she heads off to Europe for 3 months in the summer. And then moves farther away after that for educational purposes. Now don't get me wrong, I am the last person that is going to let something trivial like distance stand in my way, but to think of holding back someone else from doing the things they are meant to do, is a different story. All will be fine though.

No matter though, I did cherish my time with her and we are good friends. I am happy with that, and will continue to be happy with that. Of course, I'll still go and visit and whatnot. She likes the Lemon Hart. Good ol' Lemon Hart.

We had fun. I have no regrets. Oh, and Superbad = teh shit. Wickedly funny movie.

I went to the doctor today, and had a chat with him. I was hoping for a referral to deal with my tonsils, but it turns out that 1) He won't give me a referral because at my age, there is a higher chance of fatalities with this operation (lots of blood loss) and 2) The tonsils aren't the problem. It may be the adnoids, he isn't quite sure. I need to go visit when the problem comes back. I did find out that I've lost a significant amount of weight from when I went for the sleep study. Before I left for California I was down over 40lbs from that weight, now I am still down about 28lbs. The doctor figures if I lose another 8kg (20lbs) I'll be just below the average weight for my height/age. I am stoked.

Played Softball tonight... Oh how I missed playing. I feel I did quite well too. Went 3 for 3, with a single, a triple (missed 2nd base, had to run back, so I guess its a double) and an in the park home run (we played at Rosevelt). Oh... and I was walked. I was happy though, my in the park homer, which Nina hates me for because I made her run from first - home turned out to be the mercying run. Yaaa!

So, life gets to get a bit busier here soon. It is crazy to sit back and look at my schedule coming after Thanksgiving.

Monday: Free night.
Tuesday: Raid
Wednesday: Curling
Thursday: Hockey
Friday: Bowling
Saturday: Raid
Sunday: Hockey.

Suffice to say, it is busy. I can't wait though, those things will help me with my task ahead.

I find myself stepping back a bit from worrying. I guess I have been worrying far too much about everyone and not nearly enough about myself. So I am going to find that balance. I will still worry... c'mon, its in my blood. But yeah, not going to worry as much. Besides, everyone seems to be getting better these days anyways.

Life seems to be looking up. While I am still in my single role, I am not finding myself complaining about it nearly as much. I accept my status in life at the moment, and am I patient person. My heart knows what it wants.

Other than that now I am just passing the time waiting for work, and enjoying being around friends, and chatting the nights away. Ooh, and enjoying playing LoTRO... except being ragged on for being a dwarf... that kinda sucks.

Alright, I am rambling now. Take care world, til next we meet.

-Exiled.

The Betrayer.

The days just don't seem to be going fast enough.

I am chomping at the bit to hit the road again, and go for another visit to the PG area. I can hear my Lemon Hart calling to me from Rachel's freezer... the sweet succulent taste of that rum.. /drool.

I'm going to remember that Frets on Fire disc too. I showed Ric frets, and he seemed to take a liking to it. Its a bit better in a sense that you get the hear the lyrics, which rocks.

Going to get my license out of the way too. It is pretty sweet. My dad is going to buy a new vehicle, and they won't give him much for his trade in, so there is a good chance that Cavalier is going to be coming my way soon. I am very stoked. Its a great car, good condition. Perfect for those long travels, and getting around in town. /cheer.

Not too much else. Going to be out and about here and there. Bowling, Curling and Floor Hockey start soon, so my days are going to be just packed. I can't wait. I am going to get back into shape.

I'll leave you with the lyrics to a very epic song. World of Warcraft, for those who are familiar with Illidan. This song won the song contest at BlizzCon 2007. Enjoy.


Smoke rises from the ground he treads on,
death follows him behind.
Parts of the battle in the dark brings,
clouded tormented mind.
Banished for eternity,
wrapped in his dark legacy.

Illidan; Betrayer,
The Burning Legion comes
Will you stand before them,
Or will you turn and run
Dealings with Kil'jaeden
Have left you despaired
Yet you are declaring,
You Are Not Prepared!

Your closest comrades now desert you,
Looking round for higher pay.
Soon will come your devastation,
inching closer day by day.

Illidan; Betrayer,
The Burning Legion comes.
Will you stand before them,
or will you turn and run.
Dealing with Kil'jaeden,
have left you despaired.
Yet you are declaring,
You are Not Prepared!

Illidan Stormrage,
you've damned your cause.
Forsook your morales,
when they gave you clause.

Illidan; Betrayer,
The Burning Legion comes.
Dealing with Kil'jaeden
have left you despaired.
Yet you are declaring,
You Are Not Prepared!

The Life of Ryan Last.

Well blog, it has been quite some time.

The last month has left little room for blogging, and while I do regret not getting around to it during my trip, I feel now I will be able to put everything down in one fell swoop.

Lets start out with the first very important point: Bus trips are long, painful journeys. While I feel stronger from enduring over 130 hours of bus seat horribleness, I feel absolutely drained.

California was wonderful though. A cultural, climate, and social shock awaited me at every turn during my time there. I was a minority for the first time ever, in a place that housed over 4 million people, and reached temperatures of 105 degrees during my time down there. (Yes, it gets hotter)

I enjoyed myself though. Opened my mind and my appetitie to all the foods that America has to offer. Mexican, Chinese, Japanese, even American fast food, such as In n' Out burger, and Legends. Food is a whole different ballgame in America, they take it quite seriously. While I did enjoy the food immensely, I paid the price... I gained a few pounds during my time down south.

I am very proud of myself for following through with the trip too, the simple fact that I knew nothing about the Earl family save for their names, and their location. I took a risk, while it was for the most part controlled, it was still a risk. I was pleased with my results.

Between Zoos, malls, beaches, BlizzCon, Disneyland, Roller-coasters, family dinners, racing at the race track, and 4 hour arcade sessions at Dave and Buster's I found myself with little time for WoW (Yes, I still played, but not nearly as much).

I am glad I went, no regrets.

The trip back from San Bernardino was interesting... barely making my bus in LA, nearly missing the bus altogether in both Sacremento AND Seattle, plus an overextended stay at the border, and a missed Vancouver bus that was caught up to in Coquitlum, followed by a broken down bus near abbotsford, and a bus driver who smacked a pole just pulling out of Hope... it was eventful to PG.

Ahh, Prince George. Definitely a highlight of the trip. I really had a lot of fun getting to hang out with Rachel for an extended period of time, not just a brief dinner. Getting to chat more with her helped strengthen a friendship which I couldn't be happier with. Seeing Ric and Jane was great too... hell, just being around the three of them together, watching a movie and getting stupidly drunk made me feel just fantastic. I really enjoyed being there.

I will be making another trip back up to Prince George, as soon as I can. Fear not Rachel, Aggro is coming!

So, that has been the last month. I am home now, in my dungeon, alone... haven't gotten Loki yet either, so its truly alone lol... installing LoTRO to play with Rachel and then Ric/Jane too when they come back from their break. Hopefully my computer won't crap out on me... ugh, I pray that it works.

I have had a lot of fun this past little while, and it has helped me a lot. I feel like a better person for the decisions I've made. I stand by them, and wouldn't have it any other way.

I hope to get back to blogging more frequently in the near future.

Order Must Be Restored.

A riddle if you will.

A quest of love,
Ends with me.
Yet I am made,
Endlessly.
If I drop,
I say my name.
If I touch rock,
Freedom gain.

I never liked riddles, but always enjoyed this one.

Life goes on. Finding myself bored most days, with no work. I have noticed a growing trend, that I don't like. I am getting lazier, getting fatter, and frankly getting more depressed. I do find highlights in my days though. Talking with friends, going out and about, and even just going for walks. The walks really help.

I am still looking forward to heading out to California. Really glad Caity and Logan don't live in the northern part of the state too. For obvious reasons.

This morning I need to get my EI dealt with. Gotta finally get that ball rolling.

I hope that special someone finds me soon though, while I have always been a patient person, and display a calm, cool, and collective face... I am finding myself chomping at the bit. I don't like this single life one bit.

True Feelings.

How does one deal with their true feelings? I am finding myself getting to many crossroads in my travels, and the road that I want to take, is blocked. I see the other roads, and they seem clear, and easy... but it isn't what I want. So, how do I deal with the feelings?

I often mentally abuse myself because I am too caring, and I set myself up for hurt. I worry far too much about everyone around me, and very rarely take a moment to look at myself. Now, I am not saying that I have to stop completely, because I could never do that. What I do mean is that if I care too much, and try to help those around me, I am going to eventually become a pest and need to be removed. I don't want that.

I realized that I need to get my life going. I was kids. A beautiful daughter named Sera. (Yes, Sera is going to be my first daughter's name.) I want to have a wife that I love, and would do anything for. I want to be happy and have that life that I wake up in the morning and want to be apart of. Not the cold embrace of my empty room.

Of course, these are just mental observations. I realize I need to get out there, that these things won't just come find me, but certain feelings stop me from moving forward.

Nothing is ever easy.

Other than that, things are going good. Work is over for the summer, I am growing a goutee (It isn't half bad), and am spending time with my lovely ladies Nina and Anita. <3 ya girls!

I am really happy that I've been talking with Rachel and Kristen a bit more too. The three of us are all dealing with being alone, and it is great to help up each other when we need it. That and its been a while since Rachel and I talked much, so I think it is really good. Except the fact that the world sees just how fucked up I am lol!

Alright, I need to crash. Been a long day.

Happiness will find me. It has to.

To the depths of hell with me.

The title says it all.

I try to do what deep down, feels like the right thing, and all I do is hurt people. I hurt their feelings, which is the worst of all.

I don't deserve the friends that I have. The best ones I hurt the most. I'm sorry.

To hell with me. May I burn for all eternity.

This Road I Walk Alone.

Although I walk alone now, I am never far from company. They are there, always there, to keep my spirits up, to help me get through whatever stands in my way. I am thankful that I have that.

I'm not really that depressed anymore... I've resolved issues I've had about my past and dealt with what ailed me mentally for so long. I find myself feeling happier than I've been before, and I suppose to most that would be a good thing... right?

I've been rekindling past friendships, and building foundations with new ones. I look forward to strengthening these new and old friendships into solid pillars that can support if the need arises. It isn't a one way street however, and I know that now. Where friendships help me deal with my problems, I find myself ready and able to help deal with theirs.

I have kept my mind occupied on the present and the future, so as to not allow my mind time to veer off course, and worry about the past. So long as I keep myself in check and not allow myself to slip, everything should be fine.

The past little while has been filled with minor peaks and valleys. Valley wise, I haven't been eating as well as I should be, and haven't been hitting the track much. While I know the schedules have been busy, I still need to get time with Nina for some track work. I think the track misses us to be honest. I went grocery shopping Friday with Anita though, so I was able to get myself some much needed foods. I suppose the other valley would be the potential closure of Kanata Elementary. While I am still new at the school, in 8 months I have felt more good about my life, and what I am doing, than I have in the 22.5 years before it. To think that I wouldn't be coming back to that school next year isn't an easy thing to deal with. Of course there are other aspects of it that make things a bit more difficult for myself as opposed to others... it is irrelevent on these boards.

The Softball season has started. I am really excited about it. Although I am not playing this year (Call it what you will, it doesn't matter) I am very excited because the lovely Kristen and I have formed "Sexy Bench!". Essentially we are going to watch the games (the sunny ones) keep score and whatnot, have a few drinks, and just all around make the world a better place with our presence (Ego Boost +5). With Anita's new job, she too, may find herself cheering for the team on the bench with us. Me and my lovelies.

Summer league for bowling has started, and "Epic Lewtz" is having a blast. Our team, comprised of myself, and the ever so energetic, Anita and Nina duo, have been throwing strikes, and having fun for the past few weeks. Kristen, and friends (leaving names out see!!!) play on another team, I can't remember their name though, it was a different word... For now, I'll call them "A Team_01" for lack of a better word. Regardless, we've all been having fun. I look forward to the next few weeks!

June 8th fast approaches. I head to Terrace for my Tattoo, which I am truly stoked for! It is going to be so awesome! I'll update more on it when I get it all drawn out etc. Suffice to say though, it is a huge step in the right direction for me breaking free of the tendrils that choke the life of me.

I am hoping that I can go Kayaking and Camping with the Grade 7's this year... all these adventures that they take, I am totally stoked to participate in. As with the paragraph above, I'll update more when I gather more information.

It is Maylong weekend, and while I am not out camping, or hitting the beaches, I am having a good time. Spent the later part of the morning and greater portion of the afternoon pwning the downtown world with Kristen. Breakfast, followed by shopping or rather, attempting to shop made for a good day. We just got back from Shrek 3, which I quite enjoyed. All in all it was a good day. I can only hope tomorrow goes as well.

The days are looking better and better for me, now that I am not having troubles figuring everything out. I am actually on a road that looks promising. I now realize that somewhere down this road, maybe not visible at the moment, but someday, I will get to that point where I meet the one I am meant to be with, and then we will walk this road... together.

The Weekend.

Well, only a quick post as I need to get to work.

Suffice to say the weekend was a big hit.

Great dinner, was nice to get the gang together and have a great meal. Felt really good. A bit of confusion after dinner though as to plans for the bar.

Regardless, I'll post a bit more later.

Death is my destiny.

...

...

Slowly losing patience.

...

...

What to do?

Just Give Me Myself Back.

How does one deal with the feelings of not being "himself"?

The last few days have been good, and that is really something in my books. I haven't been that emo, save for my occasional talks with Nina and whatnot, but that is irrelevent, with the exception of her. I find very little is irrelevent with Nina, and thats good.

I have been out here and there, Bowling/Hockey and whatnot. Been eating a bit better, which is huge, since I came to the conclusion recently that I had been unintentionally starving myself. Unintentional in that my body had no desire for food, there was no signals in my head telling me that I needed to eat. As such I could go a day or two without touching a drop of food, and that wasn't healthy. Given that was a month or two back, but still. Things are better now, and thats what matters.

We have been quite active on the track lately, which is great. Had a point there where we went 4 days in a row, considering we were aiming for 3 times a week. We got rain or shine, unless its really bad, because Ariana doesnt do to well in the rain by herself.

Now of course, I am a man of many talents, and have my ways to gather information. I know some of you look at this and make your comments, and that is fine. Just keep them to yourself. You know who you are. The activities that occur in my life, are my decisions, and I will deal with them accordingly. What I do is my business, and if you would like to know more indepth about it, that is fine. Ask me! Don't go behind my back trying to make assumptions of whats going on, or coming to conclusions that are unjust and unfounded. I would appreciate that greatly. Of course, you can throw this back at me, that is fine too. Just be ready for the counterattack. Thanks!

Getting back on track (I have been teaching trigonometry to a student in grade 7, and we're learning about tangents. It seems only right that I myself go off on a tangent like that, I just needed to say what was in my head.) I have been looking into school for next year, I need to get my teaching courses started, so that Im not 30 by the time I get my degree. 28 seems much nicer to work with. Just need to take a trip down to the college, or check in Terrace next time up, and find some more information.

We did bowling last night, and I found if I take 4 IBprofen before the start of the game, my wrist doesn't feel too bad throughout the night. Of course, I make some shitty ass mistakes, but still. It was fun. We've got 2 teams of friends, and I think its going to be a blast this Friday. Go team!

Saturday is our big dinner. I am actually really excited for this. We haven't seen a dinner like this since meatfests back in the early days lol! Regardless I am hoping to cook up something nice for the event. And get a decent bottle of the good stuff. The best part of it all, is we'll all be there and get the opportunity to enjoy each others company without problems.

So, all in all it has been a relatively good time these last few days. With hockey tonight, I am looking forward to a really good time.

One major hurdle, and a few minor ones stand in my way now. We'll see how I tackle them in the coming days ahead.

Take care, and remember... Happy Daggers!

The Void.

Ahh the void, my home away from home. I tend to dwell in this place of nothingness often these days. Its like a cabin at the lake during Summer. Quiet and peaceful. A little too peaceful though.

The void is a place that I go to from time to time, to think, and just reflect on the life that I am living. What choices I need to make in the future, both long term and short. Who I need to make those choices with. For what reasons, what benefits, and what obstacles there may be with each decision. The downside with the void, is that while its very quiet, it is also very lonely, and I tend to latch onto that loneliness and it is very hard to leave the void.

Of course this doesn't make sense to any of you, but whatever.

I spent time there today; thinking about the past, the present and the future. About the problems I've faced, facing and will face. Spent time trying to figure out just when my life is going to pick up pace and get moving. Questions that answers are hard to find.

Everyone is out watching the Canucks game right now. While I detest the Canucks, one would think the opportunity to get out and be with everyone would be reason enough to go... yet something stops me. I can't figure out where my motivation goes with things like this.

Tomorrow looks promising. I can go swimming with my school, and then visit a friend after that. just relax and enjoy chatting, and then afterwards hopefully hit the track for a good bit of exercise. Pending weather of course, can't have my Nina dearest getting sick on me.

Thinking like that is usually the only way I can get out of my void... and the worst days are the ones when I have nothing to look forward to. Where I have nothing to grab onto and pull myself out... On those days, I truly am at the end of my line.

Here's to hoping.

Critical Mass.

Somedays I wish that the energy inside me would reach Critical Mass, and I'd perform my own personal nuclear meltdown... that'd end it nicely.

Less mess too.. maybe..

Regret.

Sometimes you regret things. That you've seen, that you've felt, that you've done. Today is one of those days.

I regret some of the decisions of my past. Some of the choices I made, some of the roads I travelled.

I feel like because of the decisions I made, I put a stranglehold on my life, and am slowly choking the essence right out of it. I don't like this feeling. I really don't.

I just don't know how to rectify the situation; How to cure what I hath wrought upon myself. I am just left with this empty feeling.

Now, don't get me wrong, these feelings don't plauge me all the time. They seem to hit me in short controlled bursts of misery, that while may not ruin my entire day, go the distance to bring me pain.

I got my hair dyed! <3 Kristen! It is red streaks, and I love it to pieces. For the first time ever, I've had the balls to spike my hair and let my natural curls do the rest. To be honest, I am quite pleased with the outcome. Now, don't get me wrong, the rest of my coworkers and students aren't thrilled, or a little confused. (Hell, one even said I was too old for hair dye /guffaw), but right now I enjoy it, and thats all that matters.

Ariana came over for a visit for a few hours tonight while Nina had some things to do, and it was great. It warmed my heart that she willingly came by to learn from her leap-pad, instead of sit and eat junkfood or argue. While we didnt make a ton of practice, she showed me how it functions, and the jist of it all, and I think next time we'll make some ground. She's just adorable, and I love her to pieces.

Of course, having her around makes me want to have a child. While I am still young, and have a bit planned for my life right now, the thought of a child makes me want to just stop everything for it.... someday Ryan... someday.

I found my grade 12 textbook, and found an essay I "tried" to write in grade 12 about Meatloaf's "Life is a Lemon and I Want My Money Back!"... /wrists. Oh man, after reading it, I sound like such a hypocrite.

"Said song is not an anthem, but merely a pathetic rant by a washed up old fool who's only purpose in life is to whine, bitch and moan."

Wow... It is hard to believe I wrote that...

I seemed a very... mad person. Moreso than now hehe.

This one got me good though. Makes me sad I ever had thoughts like it.

"Jim Steinman feels that life is something that you can return for a refund, or a money-back guarentee, when life is really a gift, and he should be proud to have it. Frankly, if he doesn't like life so much, (as much as I'd hate to say it) he should just end his life then and there."

Jesus.

Anyways, yeah... I guess I am still not too pleased with the way life is going for me right now. Each day is another bit of me drained... how much longer til I am empty?

Frustration.

I am frustrated... I think.

I'm bored, and sit here and watch as my friends all go off with their relationships and have quiet nights with each other. I guess its frustration... I don't know for sure. All I know is that it sucks. Its 8:30pm and I am bored to my skull.

I've burnt out with WoW. I will still play, but the fires are dwindling, and besides raiding, I dont have as much to do online as I'd like to. I love grinding, but my wrists are getting worse each character I grind. So I need to stop that, for a bit atleast. Fear not, I'll never quit, thats just not my style.

Which leaves me with little to do. With everyone off doing things as couples, I sit here twiddling my thumbs staring at a computer screen, or, like I am now, writing a blog bitching and moaning about my problems.

What to do?

Ariana's birthday party was nice, we bowled, had fun and had some laughs. With very little alcahol consumption it actually went quite nice. I don't even think I was that loud... *gasp* We had some nice times with cake and snacks afterwards, with presents galore for the little princess.

Anyways, this is a rant that I felt needed to be put. Don't get me wrong, I am not mad that people have relationships and are doing things together, hell, the LAST thing I want is to be a 3rd wheel, or have people drop plans together to include me or do something different. I guess I am just.. meh. Grumpy maybe. Will grumpy work? Regardless, I dont know whats wrong with me, save for the obvious.

I'm ranting, and noone wants to hear it, maybe I should go clean or something. I just don't know anymore.

Impatient.

The one word to define me.

On the outside I may seem quite patient, but every day that passes I feel Im wasting my life somehow. Not living up to my full potential. I am impatient to get my life going.

I'm excited for tomorrow. Pending weather of course, we get to start running. I want to get running so badly. I can't wait!

We went to Terrace on Saturday to get some presents for Ariana's birthday party (Can't believe she's 6. Why, its just like yesterday when I remember her moving in next door. Crazy world. Regardless, I got her a soccer ball so she can learn to play with the actual ball used, as opposed to a big light ball. She can practice while we run.

I am slowly starting with more changes in my life. I am going to be phasing out dress pants in the near future. I just think it is time I shred off some of the past, and start changing the way I am. I'm not usually a material type person, not caring how I look and whatnot... but I do want to make a few changes. We'll see what happens.

So, we shall see what happens. I am looking forward to the coming future. While I am impatient to get my life going, to get my relationship started, and to figure out where I want to be in the future; I need to make sure that I don't rush into everything too fast. Doing so could bring about my downfall.

Anyways, yeah, i'm done for now. Going to probably post again later.

Just the two of us...

we can make it if we try.

Stupid radio, always playing old songs that stick in the head.

So, the ever beautiful Nives and I have been hitting the track hard the past 2 weeks. Usually 1-1.5 hour sessions, we make some good progress towards our goal of a better body, and a happier feeling. It is good, and I am glad we do it. I wish it was all three of us somedays, but work does interfere.

One of the biggest things I am loving about doing these walks, save for spending time chatting with Nives, is that I get to spend time with Ariana. I want to see her succeed in life, to make something of herself, and getting her out in the fresh air, walking, playing, being social and interactive is a fantastic start. She is warming up to me slowly, a lot more than before which is good too, seeing as she'll be there most nights when we walk.

So, my legs feel good, my midsection is slowly toning itself, and my forearms feel great from the dumbells.. just need to get some more bicep work, and chest work. Need to get to the gym for that.

Monday we start running. I am really looking forward to getting the running going, to build stamina and that extra bit of work on my legs. I love my legs, I was told years back that I had awesome calf muscles. I want that back.

I am starting to feel happier everyday. I had a brief while there when I was really down, but now I am starting to get that climb upwards going, and aslong as I can feed off the motivation, dedication, courage and confidence of my two lovely ladies to keep me going, there is no limit to what I can do.

Work has been going well too, I have been working hard, and making progress with the students. I love my job, and pray that the school stays open and my job is there for me the next year :)

Been spending time at the SPCA a bit, hoping that a cute little kitten comes in that may make a great friend for Loki. I want two cats. I think Loki needs some friendship other than the human kind, and after the events that transpired yesterday with a little kitten and a hemo spec'd dog, I dont feel that comfortable with Loki outside. We'll see what comes of it all though.

I look forward to the next couple weeks. I intend to see this exercise thing through, and I'll be damned if Nina can escape my grasp when I am determined. She's going to be running everyday, mark my words :P

Showers...

are quite enlightening.

I think whenever I have some form of mental blockade to get through, I should just go have a shower. They seem to calm me down, and allow me to think properly.

I have always been a patient person, why am I turning into this alter-ego of a Ryan whenever the slightest thing hits me. Like, I am better than that. The world doesn't need the satisfaction of seeing me like that.

Patience is a virtue.

I am in no rush. I want to find someone yes, but also want to travel, and enjoy life. Stressing myself over being with someone is no way to enjoy life. I need to sit back, relax, and let the world revolve, and not worry so much.

Here's to enlightenment. /cheers

Seriously...

What am I doing? Seriously!

I sit here and mope, pout and bitch because the world won't work the way I want it to. How the fuck is this beneficial to me? Its bad enough I am withering away, and my health is on a steady decline... yet I still find time to push that aside and bitch about why I am sitting here lonely, and why I am not making moves to change that.

This is a useless, viscious circle that I've gotten myself into. Making progress, and then taking it away from myself by being an idiot. For fuck sakes, what is the use!

I sat up til 4:30am last night feeling sorry for myself because I didn't go out after my raid. But why should I feel sorry for myself, when I am the one who stayed in... like... bah! Add insult to injury, went and looked at all those happy faces from the pictures that are up from Rain. Assaulting myself mentally afterwards trying to get a solid reason out of myself as to why I am not there, enjoying the night, having fun and doing something.

It is raining now, which I believe is a direct result of my present mood. I am on the verge of just stopping completely. This is stupid. I am tired of it all, and don't know what to do to remedy it.

Do I move away? Do I just start going out on my own? Do I quit what I am doing now to make more room? Do I get out of my current living situation?

I wish the answers came easier.

God I am so tired of this.

/wrists.

The downside of it all.

Afternoon folks, its been a while I know, which in a way is a good thing, seeing as how I try to just post here when I am really having troubles, or if something really good has happened... the latter has not shown itself lately.

The last little while hasn't been too bad. I've had my bad days, and when they come around to visit, they bring the whole family. I feel as if I am getting more and more impatient daily, the need for someone in my life, and its not doing me any good. I need to sit back and relax, its just hard, when as each day passes, you convince yourself that its never going to happen. Yes, yes, I am quite skilled at convincing myself within that I have no hope of going anywhere in life. Its a curse that I can't get rid of.

Bowling is now over for the season. I wish I started playing from the beginning when I was asked. Bah, useless antisocial Ryan. He was good for nothing, and franky I don't want him back into my life. The final night was a long one. I didn't stay the entire time, my stomach pains came back and forced me to get home to my bed. /sigh.

So, here I am, wondering what I am supposed to do, how to go about things. Do I sit back and wait a bit, until I get my sanity together? Do I get out there and recklessly try to figure it all out? I was always a patient person, but even patience gets eager.

Let us hope my negativity doesn't act as a catalyst to crumble the foundation of our circle of friends. Lately things have been tense in parts of the circle, and I don't want to be responsible for that, or don't want to anymore if I was before.

Nothing is ever easy.

The problems within...

How does one make up for so much lost time?

I often ask myself how I am going to get caught up, for all that I've missed; chances and opportunities that have come and gone. Honestly, I have no answer. I've sought to find it, but so far nothing. Now here I sit, drifting backwards more and more.

I seem to be gradually drifting away from most of the circle of friends too, and that worries me. I don't know how to remedy that problem either. I know it is something that I need to deal with, but anything I try, will most likely backfire, and set me back farther. I don't want that to happen.

This morning, between the time I left the house to walk to work, and arriving at work, the power went out. Now, I don't know if I was somehow responsible for that... I really don't know. All I know is that it left me with a very uneventful day.

I wanted to do something, I wanted to go for a walk, get some exercise, coffee, anything.

Unfortunately, noone else was in the general area or wanting to talk to yours truly, so my desires for the day went unfulfilled, and left me feeling quite empty today.

I keep most of my depression to this blog. I am slowly building up the walls, and soon the stone like exterior of Ryan's emotions will be back, stronger than ever. Lack of emotion will help me I am sure. I've done it before, I can do it again.

I don't even have the passion to write tonight... god I hate this.

My life...

Low Peaks, and Deep Valleys.

What am I going to do with myself?

This week has been alright, I must admit, there have been a few small peaks in my life. One big peak, and a lot of deep valleys.

Between power outages, mood swings that would make most women cringe, and my body feeling like an Icy prison, I have somehow made it through the week.

I need to find the missing link to this puzzle. I find myself frustrated more and more with it. I just don't have a clue where to look.

Went out to watch the Swollen Members concert on Thursday night with Kristen, Meagan, and Andrew. Was definately a good time. It was nice to sit and bullshit with them, since its something I rarely do with those three. Besides it being my first time stepping foot in "The Underground" it was also my first time seeing Kristen's place. (Self congratulatory pat on the back for finally getting there). While we didn't stay for the entire performance, what we did see I enjoyed. I remember a lot of their older music, and it was good to hear it again.

That was my big peak of the week, getting out and going to that concert. I went 5 days without caffiene, before I cracked and had a coke at bowling tonight. Just a can mind you. However, I am convinced that this is the reason that I've been feeling this way. My mind is punishing me for trying to cut more out of my life I guess.

Anyways, this is enough being emo for the next few hours. Or so I hope. Right now I am feeling an all time low, and really have no way to boost myself from it. Wallowing in self pity ftw.

Good night friends, stay strong lest ye wind up down here with me.

Me, Myself, and I.... I grow weary of this.

I grow tired.

Life is slowly losing its meaning to me again. I'm falling back down into the depths from which I started. The worst part is... I don't know how to stop falling.

I don't want to date. I don't want to be sitting here alone either.

I stand alone in this... I look around and realize that everyone I know has an equal, someone to compliment them. Someone who they can talk to when they really need do, regardless of the time.

I'm wandering. Aimlessly it seems.

I guess I'm just really down lately. I went to Terrace with Nina and it was great. I really had a good time. We were able to talk, and I think thats where it got me, I was talking to someone in the flesh. I was able to vent, listen, and offer opinions. I don't seem to do that much these past few weeks.

I find I am really missing being in a relationship. I miss getting to know someone to the point where you could practically have retold their life. I miss being able to sit down and have a talk, laugh, be together. I miss coming home to someone truly special.

I don't want flings, one night stands or even false hopes at happiness. I want the real deal, someone I can spend my life with.

I just wish it were that easy...

I am looking forward to my trip. I really am. Hopefully there won't be any complications, but essentially my first goal is to get debt paid. Even if it means taking out a loan, I need to get these debts paid soon. I feel like its bringing out negativity, and I really don't need that. After my debts are cleared, I can focus on my tasks at hand.

I am trying to head uphill. I'm lifting weights, and trying to eat better. I am going to stop drinking coke. I am actually contemplating just quitting 100% and never seeing another can... but I've been warned that can have some serious health issues too.

I fear the worst for my current living situation. Upstairs is going to be wanting to make some changes to the way I do things down here, and I can't afford to allow those changes to happen... so what do I do? I'm going to be faced with a problem shortly, I know it.

My Carpal Tunnel is getting bad. I can feel it. I'm scared for what may happen. I need to cut down on World of Warcraft. I think starting tomorrow I just might. I'm limit my time a bit, try and get out more and make some progress on my life.

I so desperately need to get my life figured out. The gym didn't work, we just didn't all work at it with the dedication it needed. However, we did do a few walks, which was good. I think I may need to try a solo route for those sorts of things. We'll see what happens. I'd very much like to do the walks with others.. walking alone just doesn't work.

I know typing this makes it all emo, but it does help... thats what its here for right? My thoughts, problems and feelings, without having to bitch at someone about them. I do however, apologize to anyone reading them. I thought I was getting better too.

I do hope to figure this all out. I will still keep my eye out for that one person meant to be in my life and hope that all goes well.

Yours truly,

Ryan Last.

The Legacy that is me.

Well, its definately been a fun few weeks.

Snowboarding went very well. I think that I got the hang of it. We had a lot of fun, had a few relaxing drinks, and all in all it was a great experience that I wouldn't trade for anything.

Curling the next day was a blast too. Despite my obvious lack of finesse (21 stones through the house) I had fun, when I kept my head on my shoulders. I was in quite a bit of pain from the day before, and the pure pwnage I suffered from the mountain, but played through it, and we had fun. We won 1 game (our first, the earliest of course) and lost the other 3.

I got my right hand fitted for a sleeping brace for my Carpal Tunnel.. Hopefully it'll help me get over flexing my wrists while I sleep... Hopefully.

The last few weeks have been good. I've been keeping busy online, and walking a lot. Hit the gym once /wrists.. Really gotta start doing it more. Maybe this month I'll start making a few trips down in the morning. We'll see though.

So I've decided that I am going down to California in the summer. I'm going to visit a few friends, relax, and enjoy the sun. I need a vacation. I think its been like.. wow.. 10 years maybe? Since my last actual "Vacation". Who knows... maybe it'll be what I need to get out of this rutt that I've been in mentally the last little while.

I don't really know what else to write. I've been really bored lately with myself. I think I'm falling back into bad habits, and I really need to change that. Something to strive towards atleast.

Take care friends, hopefully the day finds you well.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

For just...

"One more time to escape from all this madness
One more time to be set free from all this sadness
And one last time to be the one who understands

My soul and my spirit will go on, for all of eternity"

What can I say, its a good little bit from Dragonforce's "Cry for Eternity" song.

So, not a ton has been happening since the last time I posted. The last bits of stuff from the past have been removed from my place of residence, which is good for both parties. I can say that its a bit of relief off my shoulders for the simple fact that now Loki can't destroy anything that doesn't belong to me, or Mike (Mike knew the risks when he moved in for this temporary stay). That happened last weekend.

I am getting excited. The Skiing trip is mere days away. I can't wait. I've got my brother's gear, and am ready to learn the art of snowboarding. I came to a conclusion though. Regardless of how I do Snowboarding, at the end of the day I'll look damn good doing it. Yes, my brother has good taste when it comes to picking out gear for boarding.

So, that will be friday morning and afternoon. Upon getting home in the evening, we will be having a fun filled night of drinking while bowling. Friday night league bowling ftw. That too, should prove to be quite fun, and relaxing.

Saturday we have the very anticipated Curling tournament. I won't call it what it is, because I can't remember how its spelt. <3 style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">So yeah, the curling should be great. It'll be a good chance for Eso, Anita, Nina and I to sit back, relax, have a great time, and have a few drinks. I am looking very forward to it. Hopefully the rest of the team is too.

Now, being "Emo" as I am told, I need to make sure there is something bad in every post, right?? Thats how it works right? Im still new to this, but fear not, I won't disappoint.

I went to the doctors today, and found that I have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Bilateral, which I assume means both wrists are fucked. Regardless I am not the happiest of people at the moment, but I will survive. My hands have always been like Ice... I guess this is just them telling me something is wrong.

Anyways, so, yeah, the solution is that I am going to be getting fit for bracers to help ease the pain and reposition my wrists properly. Bracers though... which we all know means stats... Below I have thought up what I figure the bracers will be stat wise. Epic of course, because well... its me, and I can't lie. I am an epic person. Enjoy.



Bracers of Recklessness
Bind on pickup

Armor: 649
Strength 40
Agility 25
Stamina 30
Socket: Yellow Socket
Socket: Yellow Socket
Socket: Red Socket

Equip: Increases to hit rating by 14.
Equip: Increases Critical strike chance by 33.
Chance on Hit to increase the verbal damage inflicted by 15%.


Given that they will be enchanted with +12 strength, and can be socketed with some lovely +AP and Crit chance gems, these bracers should be quite useful.

I call them recklessness, because it was very reckless of me to play so much that I brought this kind of effect to myself. So, now to get an ergonomic keyboard /grumble and learn to pwn with it.

Take care friends. As always, I will try to have pictures up for you as soon as I can. Kayaking still needs to get uploaded.

-Ryan Last, Death on Angel Wings.

Live for the day...

when we must stand and survive.

Ahh, Dragonforce, how I love thee. Fields of Despair may be an emo song by most, but by god it is a great song, great instruemental, and all around a great adrenaline pumper for me atleast. By far one of my most favorite with Starfire right beside it (I love Starfire, but Fields of Despair is just.. wow)

So, my life, yes, yes, I know I haven't been posting nearly as much as I have in my emo state, and I suppose that is a good thing. Some saw this site as a crutch to help me cope with things of the past, and now for me, it is a place where I can just let out all thats happened, accomplishments that I deem to be quite important in my life.

We've had some interesting events the last week or so.. Lets see. Our adventure takes place two weeks ago, when our plans for a trip to Terrace for an Ice Cream cake were thwarted by the evil lack of a babysitter for Ariana. Pwned in the face, yes sir! Anyways, yes, onwards with the story. We decided that we would attempt the trip again last week, and this time we made it on the road. Terrace was good, a little cold, but good nonetheless. We did a bit of shopping, had a drink at Boston Pizza. /lovemeteorpizza. Oh, and a piercing for a certain somebody. Anyways, yeah, so we spent the greater portion of the afternoon there, and we decided after hitting Canadian Tire that it was time to go home. So, halfway to home, the Radiator Coolant hose breaks a leak and we are stranded 1/2 way home.. which, you all know is out of cell phone signal range... its practically the deadzone. Regardless, darkness crept up on us, and before we knew it we were chilaxing on the side of the road, in the cold, with a car that just didnt want to get up and go. Thanks to a few very nice citizens, we were able to get home after one gentlemen got ahold of Eso and he was able to come out and rescue us, so to speak =D. The Tow-truck got the car home, and we all rejoiced, and there was very little ice cream cake eatage... /grumble. However! the cake did survive the near 5 hours out of the freezer.. Alas, the Dilly bars... not so much. Though, they were still edible.

That was Saturday. Sunday however, for me atleast was a much nicer and life-altering day.

Our heroes start their day in the wilderness of Kloya Bay. So, Anita and I decide that we are gonna go check out Kloya Bay, it was a really nice day, and I hadn't recalled being down at Kloya ever.. My parents assure me I did once before, but that was when I was 5. /shrug. Maybe my balding nature is getting in the way of my memory. Regardless, while at Kloya Bay, Anita made mention she really wished she could go kayaking.. Now, those who know me, know that I have a fear of water.. I can't even dunk my head in the water anymore, once it hits my neck I panic.. crazy eh? Well, here's the really crazy part. Out of my mouth, I say "Lets do it then, lets go Kayaking"... /le gasp. Anita seemed pretty excited, and I was pretty stoked, because Kayaking is one of those things you dont really expect to do, given my situation, but I'll be damned if I pass up an opportunity again. Within 45minutes, we had Kayaks out at Kloya, suited up and getting in the water.

All I can say is WOW, what an experience. Kayaking is such a great, relaxing, and truly epic time. I enjoyed every minute out on the water, and endless smile I haven't had on my face in years, many years. Regardless, probably the highlight of the year for me. Hockey games are truly great, don't get me wrong, and I loved watching the sharks play, but man... on that water, a whole different ballgame my friends. The water was calm, like kayaking on crystal. Not a single wave, ripple, or break in the water's surface. We had a seal following us the duration of our Kayak. We named him SealzOrz. Towards the end, we actually had him circling us, popping up relatively close and just yelling stuff at us, in seal language. Alas, this isn't Everquest, I dont know how to speak Seal.

All in all that was a great day, that far outweighed the 3 hours of cold that the skeena brought upon us. I am definately going to be getting out onto the water more that much is apparent. I sit back and look at how the last few years, I wouldn't even go on a sailboat, but yet here I am Kayaking... Lawls, funny how that is eh?

Anyways, that was last week, this weekend is a bit more relaxing, NID day on Friday, I get to relax and get rid of my cold. Saturday shall be cleaning and drinking, and sunday... oh yes... Sunday. The Tournament is over, and I will be playing hockey again. /cheer.

Now, the real treat.. Next week! Ooooh man next week.

Friday: The day starts off at 7am. Myself and Mistress Anita are taking a trip up to Shames Mountain. Yes, you heard me correctly. Shames Mountain. A place that I said I would never go up on, I am going. Snowboarding here I come. Skiing for Anita.. Though she assures me I am making a huge mistake by Snowboarding... Frankly I welcome the pain. So yeah, the whole day is up on Shames, melting our own faces and having a great time. I can't wait. Mr. Hikida's class is up there with us, it should be good. The kids really get along well with me, and listen quite well.

Saturday: The Teacher's Curling Bonaspiel.. /cheer.

Team Makeup: Nina leads, Ryan Destroys, Anita pwns, and Eso stands and yells HURRRAY! really loud, while twofisting Coors Light. Yes yes.. It shall be good.

Now, of course, we'll be a little hurt from the day before of Skiing, but I think we can do well. I've got a bit of practice from Valentine's day Curling that Anita went to. Man... Valentine's day, what a great day to curl. Heheh.

Anyways, thats about all I got in the tank in terms of writing. So I will leave y'all with that.

The link below is to my images, I will have the Kayaking ones up later tonight I hope.

http://s130.photobucket.com/albums/p271/Rygasm/

So yeah, enjoy my friends, and I shall see you as time goes on.

-Ryan Last. I am Oblivion!
To be with me is... Rapture.

Missing in Action.

What can I say, its been a relatively busy last 3.5 weeks.

The Burning Crusade went live, and I was going hard in the game 2 days after (when we finally got our copes. Thanks Kris!) Currently I am sitting 2 bubbles from 69, nearly there.

I've been out and about, bowling and drinking, and having fun with friends. I've found myself watching quite a bunch of episodes of series the last while. Farscape and the Peacekeeper Wars, and just recently we finished Firefly, and Serenity. Very great series, I love them to pieces.

Im enjoying life, although its the single life, its a life that I find myself smiling to be in. I don't find myself lonely anymore, and the thoughts in my head of the past have dissipated. I look forward now, not backwards.

Loki is getting bigger, he's a fantastic cat. Though he torments Mike a lot, he means well.... Lawls. He's filling in quite nicely, a very sleek, slender, and ever wicked with those blue eyes. Loki lives up to his name. (If only I could get a cape on him)

Hockey goes well, Im playing a lot more. Scoring goals, getting assists, and slowly climbing the ranks in the scoring race. While in Vancouver I picked up a new pair of gloves, and a jersey (Go Sharks!)

Speaking of Vancouver... Oh man, what a great time. I wish I got more pictures. I'll post more about it over the next few days Im sure.

My birthday went well too. We went to the Crest for dinner, and had a nice relaxing night. It was all that I could've asked for. Thanks guys and gals, your the best! <3 to my two ladies especially :P

Starting to walk more with my ladies too. Speaking of which, thats where I am heading now.

Take care my friends.

Ryan.

Disappointed.

The title says it all.

I guess I'm just disappointed in myself, and the things I've done, and haven't done.

The holiday came and went, and while I must admit I did have a good time. (Some days more than others) I am left with a feeling of emptiness that I had thought I had disposed of, yet am getting accustomed to. I wish I knew how to deal with it.

It seems I'll be having a roommate for a little bit, which is good. A buddy needs a roof over his head while he gets things sorted out, and I am all too happy to oblige. Hopefully all goes well.

I get to play hockey tonight, and while I am excited to go head to head against Eso for the first time in a few years, I can't help but feel like the wind has been driven from my sails motivation wise. *shrug*

Work starts again tomorrow, the thought of making a living again is something I need to get back into my skull. School took a nose dive, with my lack of commitment.

I look forward to eventually getting to the gym and starting to burn off this useless weight that surrounds me. Once money gets better I'll get that ball rolling.

Anyways, I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I made a friend feel bad and although it wasn't intentional, it has left a foul taste in my mouth. Maybe after I have remedied the situation I'll start to feel better about myself.

Take care my friends. Lets hope this year brings a happier, cheerful Ryan into light.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

Before I forget...

A few pictures uploaded so far, more to come.

http://s130.photobucket.com/albums/p271/Rygasm/

Enjoy!

-Ryan Last, Exiled

Happy New Years!

Well my friends, we made it through another year. I can definately say it was a rollercoaster of a year but now that its over I can look forward to the next.

I continued to live out on my own, my relationship of 3 years crumbled into dust, and I still slaughter the stupid in the lands of Azeroth. I'm back playing hockey, and running on the exercise bike, eating a bit healthier, and starting in the new year, hitting the gym. A new job and rekindling friendships with friends who I haven't been out with in a while. When you look at it, with the exception of the break up, things were alright. So, to the New Year, and hopes that I can purge the bad memories from my mind and forever remember the good times.

By far the biggest thing of the New Year, is the fact that we didn't spend it at the Hospital this year, and it makes me feel so great knowing that my dad is still with us. I can toast to that, even if I am sitting here by myself. Thank you dad, for being strong and never giving up.

We had quite the night. Eso/Anita's house was the destination for fun tonight. It delivered. Having a bunch of friends in town for the holidays coming by, and just being surrounded by all my friends, I was happy. That and the fact that I was drinking. Had a fantastic dinner at Eso's folks place to start the night too.. Screenshots of me eating Lobster, Salad, Asparagus, and Mushrooms to boot to follow /lawls. Regardless, the night consisted of steady drinking from 9:45ish until 7:30am for me, and 9:30am for the last few survivors. Others took to the roads early, surfed it up or just went home to be with their. We had a few random visitors throughout the night too. My younger brother was partying next door (The whole town to party at, and we end up next door to each other). So, he came by and wished us Happy New Years and whatnot which was good to see.

So, I can only hope this year holds better fortune relationship wise for me. I do hope to find that special someone, and while I am quite patient, part of me really doesn't like being alone. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean I'll settle for anyone, it just means that I have a few extra demons to face during the days/nights.

I hope to get back into shape, and I mean really into shape. I want to look good, and feel good, and the only way I am going to do that is to work hard, and eat right. I can do this, I know I can.
So my friends, I thank you again for being there to support me during my times of need. (Yes, yes, I know there are a lot of them) I shall repay the favors someday, fear not. I wish you all the best in the new year, and hope that those of us who could not be together for the holidays because of school, work or family, can make it back to us someday and we can share a drink together.

Lets make this new year count my friends. Seize the day and don't hold back!

Cheers!

-Ryan Last, Exiled.
To be with me is... Rapture.