Low Peaks, and Deep Valleys.

What am I going to do with myself?

This week has been alright, I must admit, there have been a few small peaks in my life. One big peak, and a lot of deep valleys.

Between power outages, mood swings that would make most women cringe, and my body feeling like an Icy prison, I have somehow made it through the week.

I need to find the missing link to this puzzle. I find myself frustrated more and more with it. I just don't have a clue where to look.

Went out to watch the Swollen Members concert on Thursday night with Kristen, Meagan, and Andrew. Was definately a good time. It was nice to sit and bullshit with them, since its something I rarely do with those three. Besides it being my first time stepping foot in "The Underground" it was also my first time seeing Kristen's place. (Self congratulatory pat on the back for finally getting there). While we didn't stay for the entire performance, what we did see I enjoyed. I remember a lot of their older music, and it was good to hear it again.

That was my big peak of the week, getting out and going to that concert. I went 5 days without caffiene, before I cracked and had a coke at bowling tonight. Just a can mind you. However, I am convinced that this is the reason that I've been feeling this way. My mind is punishing me for trying to cut more out of my life I guess.

Anyways, this is enough being emo for the next few hours. Or so I hope. Right now I am feeling an all time low, and really have no way to boost myself from it. Wallowing in self pity ftw.

Good night friends, stay strong lest ye wind up down here with me.

Me, Myself, and I.... I grow weary of this.

I grow tired.

Life is slowly losing its meaning to me again. I'm falling back down into the depths from which I started. The worst part is... I don't know how to stop falling.

I don't want to date. I don't want to be sitting here alone either.

I stand alone in this... I look around and realize that everyone I know has an equal, someone to compliment them. Someone who they can talk to when they really need do, regardless of the time.

I'm wandering. Aimlessly it seems.

I guess I'm just really down lately. I went to Terrace with Nina and it was great. I really had a good time. We were able to talk, and I think thats where it got me, I was talking to someone in the flesh. I was able to vent, listen, and offer opinions. I don't seem to do that much these past few weeks.

I find I am really missing being in a relationship. I miss getting to know someone to the point where you could practically have retold their life. I miss being able to sit down and have a talk, laugh, be together. I miss coming home to someone truly special.

I don't want flings, one night stands or even false hopes at happiness. I want the real deal, someone I can spend my life with.

I just wish it were that easy...

I am looking forward to my trip. I really am. Hopefully there won't be any complications, but essentially my first goal is to get debt paid. Even if it means taking out a loan, I need to get these debts paid soon. I feel like its bringing out negativity, and I really don't need that. After my debts are cleared, I can focus on my tasks at hand.

I am trying to head uphill. I'm lifting weights, and trying to eat better. I am going to stop drinking coke. I am actually contemplating just quitting 100% and never seeing another can... but I've been warned that can have some serious health issues too.

I fear the worst for my current living situation. Upstairs is going to be wanting to make some changes to the way I do things down here, and I can't afford to allow those changes to happen... so what do I do? I'm going to be faced with a problem shortly, I know it.

My Carpal Tunnel is getting bad. I can feel it. I'm scared for what may happen. I need to cut down on World of Warcraft. I think starting tomorrow I just might. I'm limit my time a bit, try and get out more and make some progress on my life.

I so desperately need to get my life figured out. The gym didn't work, we just didn't all work at it with the dedication it needed. However, we did do a few walks, which was good. I think I may need to try a solo route for those sorts of things. We'll see what happens. I'd very much like to do the walks with others.. walking alone just doesn't work.

I know typing this makes it all emo, but it does help... thats what its here for right? My thoughts, problems and feelings, without having to bitch at someone about them. I do however, apologize to anyone reading them. I thought I was getting better too.

I do hope to figure this all out. I will still keep my eye out for that one person meant to be in my life and hope that all goes well.

Yours truly,

Ryan Last.

The Legacy that is me.

Well, its definately been a fun few weeks.

Snowboarding went very well. I think that I got the hang of it. We had a lot of fun, had a few relaxing drinks, and all in all it was a great experience that I wouldn't trade for anything.

Curling the next day was a blast too. Despite my obvious lack of finesse (21 stones through the house) I had fun, when I kept my head on my shoulders. I was in quite a bit of pain from the day before, and the pure pwnage I suffered from the mountain, but played through it, and we had fun. We won 1 game (our first, the earliest of course) and lost the other 3.

I got my right hand fitted for a sleeping brace for my Carpal Tunnel.. Hopefully it'll help me get over flexing my wrists while I sleep... Hopefully.

The last few weeks have been good. I've been keeping busy online, and walking a lot. Hit the gym once /wrists.. Really gotta start doing it more. Maybe this month I'll start making a few trips down in the morning. We'll see though.

So I've decided that I am going down to California in the summer. I'm going to visit a few friends, relax, and enjoy the sun. I need a vacation. I think its been like.. wow.. 10 years maybe? Since my last actual "Vacation". Who knows... maybe it'll be what I need to get out of this rutt that I've been in mentally the last little while.

I don't really know what else to write. I've been really bored lately with myself. I think I'm falling back into bad habits, and I really need to change that. Something to strive towards atleast.

Take care friends, hopefully the day finds you well.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.