Shadows In My Soul.

Hail my friends, I hope the holiday treated you all well.

A rollercoaster of emotions has befallen me yet again. I have my ups, and then they are quickly washed away by a downward spiral of thoughts.

Sleep has left me. Abandoned me. I cannot bring myself to rest more than 2 hours unless I succumb to exhaustion. The thought of being alone, noone to talk to, cripples me. I try to cope, but find myself staying up countless hours into the night in hopes someone will be able to strike up a conversation with me. She was right, the companionship is what I've lost, what I yearn for. She is not what I so dearly need, its just the thought of having someone near me that I strive for.

I press on, and will continue to do so. However the lack of sleep leaves me feeling emptier than usual. I hope to rid myself of these sleeping troubles soon. With the new year fast approaching I need to be in the best of health. I can't afford to ruin another New Years.

Forgive me for posting this. It is merely my way of releasing some emo tension. It has zero relevence and will only serve to depress me even more the next day.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.
Sleep love, forever sleep. Your soul is mine, your heart shall weep.

Christmas Cometh Again!

So, that wonderful time of the year comes again. I don't feel bad though. I feel happy. I have my friends, and I couldn't ask for more. The weekend was good. Last night was an interesting night to say the least.

The evening started like any other night, with very little talking, and very little in terms of people online. The night was pretty much belly up as far as I knew. Folks were going to the bar and whatnot, but without an invitation sent my way, I figured it'd be best if I stayed away. Jon had his staff party, and the after party that followed, and he wanted Nina to go with him. Turns out we decided to go to shorty's a go from there. So, now plans have been made. The night was great though. I dragged Ivan out, and then Crawford, and Einarson showed up with others and it truly was epic. We all drank there for a bit. I fed Nina a bit too much booze I think, because we were both drunk by the time we decided to walk to the surf. Of course, everyone else beat us there, but we had a nice chat so it was good. Gotta keep my sanity somehow.

So yeah, we get to the surf and its absolutely packed. Full house. Me and Nina waited outside for a few, and upon getting in, grabbed a drink, and hit the floor. Now, those who know me, know I hate dancing. Hate it with every fiber of my being. Yet, I had told Nina I'd be there to keep an eye on her, and dance with her, and that I did. I had fun, I looked like an idiot, and felt like an idiot, but I had a blast dancing up a storm with her. <3

1:45am rolls around, and I wish her the best in getting home, and take my leave. Drunk as hell, I had to make it home intime to call Anita for Farscape! I got home, and gave her a call, and we ended up watching the "epic" trilogy of Farscape that she wanted to watch. Then we watched the season ender, which *grumble* was To be Continued... so we watch the 2nd part... 7:30am rolls around and she heads home. Tired, so very tired. 5 hours of Farscape will do that.

Was on WoW afterwards, and got to talking, and I guess I said something I wasn't supposed to, and might've made someone mad. I know now that they werent that mad, or mad at all, but I thought they were, and was really angry at myself. To counteract that, I drank.. 4 total gibson's shots later, 9:00am rolls around, still alive and kicking, on the verge of passing out. So yeah, many drinks, and much Farscape, makes for a truly epic night.

That was a good way to end the night. I really enjoy Farscape, and watching it with friends is even better, especially when she teaches me to pronounce the names properly.. Lawls. Micron! Frill!

Anyways... Yeah, it was a great night, a night I'm glad I went to, and didn't just stay home by myself. A night Im glad I was able to bring a great friend like Anita over, and watch truly epic episodes of Farscape. Mmmm Silk =D

On the topic of Christmas. To my friends, Family, Enemies, Others.. I wish you the best of the best for the Holiday season. Be safe, have fun, and most of all, remember that I love you all. You've been the best to me, kept my in this world for another period of time, hopefully one thats long enough to watch us all get old :) I want to wish you all a Merry Christmas, as I will be talking to you shortly enough... Well, Lawls.. some of you.

Take care my friends... My best wishes to you and yours.

The dungeon isn't so dark and dank anymore... I refuse to let myself slide into oblivion.

-Ryan Last, Exiled
To be with me is... Rapture.

Trouble Always Comes In Three.

I truly wonder what the other two troubles will be.

May god have mercy on my soul.

To Be With Me Is... Rapture.

rap·ture
–noun
1.ecstatic joy or delight; joyful ecstasy.
2.Often, raptures. an utterance or expression of ecstatic delight.

Yeah, that about hits it right on the head. This may be an ego boost, but I like to think that right now, I need one. A pick me up if you will. Like using a Stim-Pak in Starcraft it sends you to new heights for a while, and you don't care about the consequences until the high wears off.

Emotionally and mentally, I feel great! Physically I feel horrible. My back has been acting up again, and it makes for a really long day at work. Going back to the emotional/mental aspects of Ryan however, you'll find that I am in a brighter mood than I have been the past few days. Ivan, a buddy of mine who moved away for school, came over today to be social, and it was great to see him. The last time we had crossed paths before this was 20minutes at Tim Hortons, about two years ago, and before that, while we were in high school. So, yeah, it was great. To see my friends, see how they are succeeding, how they are handling life, it was great. We played cards, and reminisced about the past few years, how they had been treating us. He was curious about how I was handling things, which is good. Its nice to see friends are concerned even though they haven't heard anything in years.

I don't have such a bleak outlook on life anymore either. Its tough, don't get me wrong, and I'm not gonna be over everything as fast as I want to, but I do know one thing. I'm a great person, and can and will press on regardless. (Ego boost +5). The holidays won't be so bad. I'm still considering Midnight Mass, even though I am not a very religious person (There is a god out there, I just haven't or he hasn't found him/me) I found the last years Midnight mass to be one of the more calm, relaxing, and purifying times of my life. Anyways, I have a few days to decide, and to figure out if I want to go with my folks again, or if I want to just brave the church by myself. Cleanse myself of evil for one night, and truly be at peace.

The holiday's won't be so bad. I fully intend to ambush Eso/Anita, and Jon/Nina a few times over the break, making sure that I dont have extended periods of alone time. Enough time alone, and one can start having quite a few problems arise. Mentally atleast.

Anyways, to wrap this up. Two more days, until I am off work for my vacation, and during that time, Im not going to be depressed. Despite my previous thoughts of keeping myself in my dungeon for the holidays, to myself, alone and pathetic, I've decided that would be something the Ryan before me would've done. This Ryan however, wouldn't allow himself to wallow in his own filth. (Anita/Nina both commented on the fact that I always smell nice <3) class="pg">

Breaking Down Again...

I thought I was fine. I thought things were on the right path, that I was doing good finally. While I do admit I feel I am on the right path, I have just come to realize how narrow that path is, and how easy it is to fall off and hit rock bottom again.

The slightest thing, like seeing poetry written without dates, but reading the words, one can only assume its recent. It tears me apart, and inflicts more damage on myself than I could ever dream of doing. Reading words about awaiting a knight, a new knight, to take her away from this madness just crushes me. Her hero, now tainted and stained has been cast aside for a younger, newer one. One with potential, the proper bloodline of a hero. The pain.

I don't know what to do now, Im back at the bottom of things. I know the climb is a bit easier, because I know where the footholds are that will help me advance, the feelings right now are just as bad as they were a few months ago.

Where did I go wrong?

You'd think that someone like myself, someone who prides himself on his lack of emotions, would be able to handle something like that? I thought so to, but obviously based off my writing, that just wasn't the case.

Someday I'll be able to handle it all. Someday.

With the holiday season coming up, I am going to be a wreck. My dark dungeon seems like the ideal hiding spot, but that would be the old me. I will be out, and continue the social life, but its going to hurt. The memories of our first christmas, still etched into my skull. The look on her face, when she comes home to that little tree, with the lone ornament "Our First Christmas" the knowledge that there were many more to come..

Then I start racking my brain. How could someone plan so far into the future, at a time like Christmas, when they were so unhappy. I.. *sigh* those kind of thoughts kill me. I can't accept that there was unhappiness for so long, yet there were times when we were so content with the future that was coming. Look at Loki for example. I try to ensure that he is the happiest cat ever, with the knowledge that he was brought into a home of unhappiness, a home that wasn't going to be the one he thought he was coming into. A home of seperation. If I could turn back time, my one wish would be to spare him that ordeal, and would just have him by myself.

This should be a swift recovery I hope, I log into WoW and chat with my friends and things start to look better. I get to play Hockey tonight, and its the last week of classes before the holiday, things are good.

To the happy couple, I suppose it would be nice to wish them the best, and safe wishes for the holiday and whatnot, but right now... I can't. I'm sorry, but it would be wrong to wish false words of praise and happiness onto someone, despite everything.

Take care,

-Ryan Last, Exiled

The All Seeing Eye

Sees all and knows all.

It was a good weekend. We had a nice time at Bowling, and took it relatively easy afterwards. I wasn't feeling good, my stomach still not agreeing with me (as I puked up my dinner 5 minutes after finishing at 12:30am). I relaxed and pvp'd with Nina, who had to leave early to watch Ariana. The rest of the gang went drinking elsewhere.

So, we had a good night that night. I found myself chatting with Nina for most it, which is something I rarely find time to do (Just sit down and chat)

So, the next day we arranged for Kelsey/Kristina to spend the night at my place, and babysit Ariana so that we could have everyone, including Nina, drinking for Jon's birthday. Nina doesnt get to truly enjoy herself like that, and I felt it'd be a perfect opportunity. The night went by great! We found ourselves drinking until about 5:30am, when we started to burn out. Kristen, Gerry, etc left a bit early, and the rest of us stayed at Nina's house. We all had a blast, and it was well worth it.

So, in conclusion, a good weekend all around. Was a nice change to get together with everyone where we can all have fun and laugh, and enjoy each others company. I look forward to many more nights like this. Its truly good to be back to my old, fun loving self.

Til next time my friends,

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

The Week So Far...

Well, its hockey night tonight, Hurray! If all goes as it should, I should be playing goalie tonight. Time to show these guys how a real goalie plays.

The week has been alright, very little has happened that has been worth noting. I've spent the last few nights inside, playing WoW chatting with friends. All in all, a very uneventful yet good week. Did my tutoring this week, and did my work, cleaned a bit... not enough, but a bit, and then just relaxed. Relaxing is good sometimes, it really helps.

So yeah, failed... no, bombed my driving test. Fucked up at the first intersection when some cocksucker ran out into the crosswalk when it there was no indication it was safe to walk.. asshat.

Ohh well, its done and over with. Time to move on.

I'm still stuck waiting for the results of my application for school. Time is running out, and frankly, I could use the notice to get my funding in gear.

Farscape has sucked me in like Criton into that wurmhole. I'm really quite enjoying the show, the fantasy of it all. Its really good, and looking forward to the rest of the seasons.

VAMPIRE!

WoW came out with the new patch on Tuesday, which lets me get access to new talents. Huzzah! Now if the game wasn't so heavy on the latency we'd be alright.

Anywho, I'm off. Tutoring soon, kinda wanna shut my eyes briefly.

Take care my friends, and best of luck

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

The best way to deal with pain...

is to inflict more upon yourself.

I suffered from severe pain in my head for the majority of Saturday morning/afternoon. I was unprepared and didn't deal with things the way I should've. Lunch at La Cucina's with Eso and Hakkzor definately helped though. I relaxed the rest of the afternoon/early evening and prepared for the night ahead by cleaning up the house.

Wires got crossed in the planning process. Due to Anita having to work, I thought it might be a good idea to try and get something going a bit earlier so that she could hang out with us all. Alas she came by, and folks decided they wanted to wait til after the hockey game to come by. So, Anita and I sat and watched a Farscape episode and just chatted, not much else to do when we don't properly communicate with the circle.

After the canucks slim win over the Avalanche, folks started to arrive. The night started I thought, despite Eso not coming. Eventually a few words were spoken and I ended stabbing a knife into the table to prove a point, and it didn't go over too well (Next time I'll think about more, before I do something like that). Regardless, the gathering continued with a large chunk of card games that have everyone drinking quite heavily.

So, the night went on well, I actually really enjoyed myself, and was glad that everyone came over and had a good time. Next time I'll think things through properly though... Although I suspect next Saturday may be a bit smaller of a gathering, depending on how certain people interact with each other. But that is none of my concern as it is merely Sunday night.

Sunday was a rough day... Gerry got sick and passed out at my place, so I took the couch and barely got any sleep, which was quite disturbing considering the amount of alcohol I consumed. (Remind me that I need to fully clean the bathroom again). Anyways, yeah, it was a really slack day today. Anita came by in the afternoon after work, and delivered Loki's new water fountain. <3 Anita. We chatted, and she went home and we all played WoW for the rest of the evening.

Eso had hockey again tonight, so I went and watched that while hoping that enough people signed up so I could play, but alas, still waiting. They won though, which is good. Im looking forward for Thursday so that I can get a good run in again.

Anyways, so yeah, thats about all that really happened over the last 36 hours.. It was a good weekend and Im glad everyone got along for the most part. I look forward to more weekends like this, where we come together as friends and enjoy each others company.

Also, Ilmer's birthday, total mad grats to Ilmer on the RL Ding. Totally glad he came by Saturday for a few drinks.

Take care my friends, and as always, thank you for the help, encouragement and confidence during these hard time.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

My head. My god the pain of it all.

Wow, what can I say. It was truly an epic night. It was my younger sister's birthday last night, so I started my evening over at the folks house seeing family and whatnot.

At 7:30ish, I made my way to the local bowling alley for another night of laughter, booze, and women... lawls. I hit the ground at speeds in which I've never seen before, starting the evening off with a triple gibsons, and never looked back. Like 7 doubles, and 1 single later, I was feeling great, actually, I was feeling drunk. Better yet, I WAS drunk.

We drank quite a bit while watching the team bowl, and when all was said in done, we bowled more. Man, it was hard bowling when really drunk. I taught Nina the tricks of the trade, if you shake your ass left to right to left 5 times, and then bowl, you totally get a strike. Heheh. *wink*

So yeah, we all bowled for about another hour or so, and then decided to hit up Nina's house for a little after-bowling party session. A few of us cabbed there, and the rest went to PJ's for an OD on Chicken. All in all it turned out to be a good night. I totally WoW'd a bit at Nina's. Said hello to friends and spammed shit with caps lock and stuff.

So, the night ended we all parted ways... I really should've been prepared for this, because man, it hurt. I didnt take anything for the hangover that came, I didnt have water in the filter, I didn't have anything. The hangover hit me like a truck down an icy highway. Man, I couldn't even get out of bed this morning when Hakkz0rs cellphone, which he forgot totally was ringing.

So, now I sit here, my head hurts to the point that the blood pumping sounds like voices and I havent taken anything to combat the pain... Ohh man. And to think, we're drinking again tonight!

Take care my friends, until the next time we meet.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

My Friends...

I cometh with an update.

You think its kind of funny.
You think its kind of sad.
The dreams in which I'm dying.
Are the best I've ever had.

What can I say, the week hasn't been that bad. Tuesday started off like any other tuesday at work. Upon completing work, I came home and relaxed for an hour or so, and then Curtis came over for his tutoring lesson.

Anita came by after, and introduced me to the world of Farscape. I must admit its quite a good show, I enjoyed watching the first 3 episodes. I must also confess that its nice that me and Anita are getting along a lot better now. I find it brings everyone closer, if we can all make amends and be friends.

So yeah, Tuesday was good. Anita left the rest of the Farscape DVD's so I can watch them at my leisure which is great.

Wednesday was alright too. The day went by well. I found out that my job is now safe until the 28th of June, which is a huge plus for me. Less to worry about. But yeah, the day went by alright, we relaxed and chatted played WoW and just slacked off. Andrew and I went and saw "The Prestige" tonight too, long movie, but definately a good one. I recommend anyone who has the slightest liking for magic and mystery to go see this film.

Things got a little shaky on WoW upon my arrival home, but lets just say that certain things are no longer going to be mentioned in my Blog, or anywhere for that matter. *Poof* Just like the Prestige, I can make those things that don't want to be seen, disappear =D

Noone shall take that which means so dear to me away. I can assure you of that.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

feur grissa osst drauka - The Bringer of Death.

Water...

is a horrible, horrible thing. I dispise it. But its for the children, so I endure all that I must to see them all happy. Its part of the job I tell myself. Swimming isn't my most favorite thing in the world, the fact that I feel a phobia when I come near it, that clenching of the chest, hard to breath feeling that I get. Insert Name came swimming today, with her school. It probably wouldn'tve been that bad, cept I think she's mad at me. She was busy I guess, but too busy to tell us she was busy, and we were asking her questions in Rupertchewer last night and go no replies. So I broke the ice and inquired with her, and she got a little mad and asked me questions like "What are you trying to prove?" and statements like "Thanks for making me feel like shit" "Thanks for the guilt trip".. You know, those loveable things she's so good at (Guilting without intention) So yes, she was mad at me, and stormed offline late last night after she made those comments. Had I dodged that bullet and just ignored her and the questions everyone was asking, things at the pool might've been happier.

So all in all, besides the fact that Insert Name's mad at me, and the whole swimming part. The work day went well... The hot tub was nice atleast :)

Now I sit at home, tonight is my slack night, I get to relax and play WoW... cook some dinner, and be happy with the company of my friends online. Mad <3 to y'all. I'll probably go for a long run on the bike before bed tonight, as opposed to the A.M. God I love that thing.

So, while at the pool, Von was working. We got to chatting, and I'm actually contemplating taking out a nice loan, and getting myself a nice suit of goal gear for Ice/Floor hockey. (Like 2-3 grand worth) and then getting back into the game. I really miss Ice Hockey, and now is the perfect time to get back into it :) That is a decision to contemplate though. I think that would be a fantastic way to get back into shape too :)

Tuesday night looks promising too, Anita's going to teach me about Farscape. I saw a few little clips and it looks quite interesting, so we're gonna watch a few episodes on Tuesday. I can't wait :)

I look at my life now, and see.. with the exception of a few minor bumps, this whole ordeal hasn't been as bad as I had once thought, and I think I am finally back on the highway of life, and not dragging behind with a flat tire.

Thanks for listening my friends, I only hope that things go as I have planned.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

Life

is great. Whatever I was thinking before, I was blind, stupid, and irrational. Last night, I was surrounded by 90% of the gang, and I can honestly say I was happier than ever. We had a great night. Drinking games, Drinking games, drinking, and Herbalism rotation on Eso's rogue in WoW. I was just happy that I could once again bring everyone over to my place, and in old Ryanthian fashion, entertain folks.

So, folks played drinking games in the living room, while drinking quite hard, and Loki attacking feet. I and the ladies of the party (Anita/Nina, Insert Name left after her laundry was done) remained in the computer room, chatting and enjoying each others company while one of the two of them herb'd. All in all, it was a good night. I was disappointed when Gerry/Kristin couldn't come, or when Insert Name had to leave because I finally realize that one person doesn't make a party. Although I would strive to keep them all here, and keep them happy, we carried on fine, and had a fabulous night.

Now that we are at 1pm on the sunday after, I find myself feeling quite nice, while others may be a little hungover, its good. I am going to go watch hockey tonight at one point. Insert Name plans to come clean the fishtank, and possibly take it with her. I intend to clean up the house a bit, wash the floor, vacuum etc, and help out in WoW.

As you'll notice for the next while, the posts will be more of a summary of events, with a little emo blips here and there, but all in all, I think I am finally over it all. I have risen against the odds that before I had thought would overwhelm and obliterate me. I am happy again, and am enjoying that great thing that I never wish to lose... Life.

No matter how far we've come... I can't wait to see tomorrow.

The Day is ours, enjoy it while it lasts.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

Hail To The Weekend.

Ahh, the weekend, the one time of the week that I can just let myself go 150% and not worry about the consequences. The Pre-weekend started off great with one of the best runs I've had in a while at hockey. I was playing like my old self again, some great goals.

The workshop went fantastic. I totally got the feeling that I was doing something productive sitting in that room with teachers/principals and fellow Child Care workers from around the district. I got a free lunch out of it, thanks to Mr. Hikida. It was a great lunch, really hit the spot. Thanks!.

So, Friday night totally started well. After the conference Anita and I ran around in WoW and got her Felhunter complete. I always like helping on those kind of quests, because I enjoyed the way they tormented me so much, but however, being the good friend I am... refuse to allow others to share that kind of pain.

Bowling! Wow, while I did restrain myself a small bit, I started strong... 4 Doubles, 1 Triple, and 2 singles that I didn't pay for. A nice combo for bowling... Crown Royal to boot. So, Andrew, Kristin and I got a lane next to the gang, and we all bowled for a few hours, while drinking. It was good times. Insert Name showed up, which I was glad about. She really needs to be around friends. I know how it feels when you have someone move away/you move away, and its tough. The best way to remedy that, is to be around friends.

We went to Jon/Nina's place afterwards. I must admit, I kinda asked if we could go there, and I apologize for that. Nina/Jon, if you ever don't want to have shit go down at your place, let us know dude. We're friends, and we're not going to get all pissy if you don't want folks over, thats totally fine!

The night went alright, I drank a bit more... It was tough to though, I dunno.. Different booze I suppose. Anywho, the ranks started to dwindle, and I guess I kinda fell asleep briefly (on my stomach) and yeah, we all know the rest of what happens when Ryan sleeps.

Anyways... I am totally stoked for tonight, while we don't have a location planned just yet, we are going to get our drink on. So, I am looking forward to it. Huzzah!

See you tonight my friends, or online....

Good Spirits be with you.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

Happy Days...

Hey, the weekend is nearly here. Hurray!

I have hockey tonight, I can't wait. I am feeling so good right now, good about myself, good about my life, that I won't let anything ruin the way I feel.

I saw the pictures Insert Name took from the party, even those, seeing Insert Name kiss her, didn't phase me. Glorious days I think I'm cured!

Friday is bowling... which is drinking for me... Vroom Vroom! Its fucking pacing time.

Take care my friends, The Ryan you all know and love is back baby!

-Sir Ryan, Exiled.

Hope...

is not worth hanging onto.

We talked. The one question in all the world that I had hoped she'd say no to she said yes to.

She loves him.

I still talked, and explained things, and as I had expected before all this false hope was thrust upon me, she was never going to go back to "this". Me, my life, my house. I don't hate her, I don't think any ill will towards her, I don't think anything. I remain hollow, but with a clearer head. I will strive to change myself, to find someone. I will stop thinking of times long past. I will stop worrying about what she does with her life. While I do still care for her, she is with another. I am happy she has found love, and based off the amount of time we saw of them, he knows how to please her. My only regret in life so far is that I didn't wake up and change when I had the chances.

What bodes for me now? Friends, and family. Drinks and Dates. Hope for a new future, and of course, the knowledge that I can make it somewhere in life.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

Decisions...

are never easy, and everything rides on you making the right choice.

I still felt really bad this morning. I don't know what it is, but it hurts. Casino Royale was good, while it lacked a few key elements of a real bond movie, I must admit it was alright. I wish everyone was able to go though. In the end, Eso, Anita, Andrew and I were the only ones able to make the show. Maybe next time.

I've got a relatively busy evening ahead, but again, the decisions are the hardest part. I tutor at 5ish. That much is apparent. However I'm left with the decision of whether I should go to cards, or if I should wait at home, chat with friends on WoW, and maybe try and get ahold of Insert Name, and inquire about the seminar taking place tomorrow. We shall see what happens.

Take care my friends. Decisions are going to be playing a huge role in my life over the next few days. Like everything else, I can only wish that the choices we make, are the right ones.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

Sunday/Monday

Have been pretty slack so far.

Sunday had Insert Name and Insert Name coming by for a visit to see Loki for an hour or so. It was good to see, though I must admit, the entire time I was transfixed on Insert Name. I can't get past her beauty, the way she moves, the sway of her hips.

Finished the night off with Dinner at Eso/Anita's, and hockey.

Monday has been slack to the extreme. I couldn't sleep last night and made some soup at about 7:15am. By 7:30 it was right back up as I couldn't keep it down. Called in sick, and rested to gather my strength. Got up and helped Anita in WoW for the last few hours. Tonight we go see Casino Royale, should be good. I've been waiting to see this show.

Hopefully all goes well, Im definately finding if I keep myself busy, I stop worrying about Insert Name being with Insert Name. Though, lately, I find myself trying to put the words together to talk to Insert Name without scaring her away, or making her hate me forever.

Spirits be with me when I try to say the words to her that my heart yearns to speak.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

The Cataclysm Came And Went...

With very little problems in between.

Despite the horrible, horrible weather, the night started off alright. To my friends, all of them, I bought a 1.75L bottle of Gibson's. All of you have played a huge role in keeping me alive of the past few weeks, even you Insert Name, though you doubt it. You all being there to talk to has helped in ways you cannot even fathom.

It was quite a nice house, I really must say I enjoyed being there. While a little short on seating, the night was alright. Anita and I went over around 5ish, to sit and chat with Jon/Nina, they were still getting stuff ready, so were in and out for the next few hours. Others started to show up, and party started.

Pace myself I said, pace myself they said... Wow, what a way to pace... I was pacing like a nascar driver drives the speed limit. The alcohol hit me like a truck, and I keep going. I must say I had a blast though, no really depressing moments, it was good.

Insert Name and Insert Name arrived with Gerry and Kristen later, probably 8:30ish, a fashionable entrance of course. Thats the way Insert Nameand I rolled before, it makes sense it'd be how it was done now. I was crushed when she wouldn't say hello, she wouldn't even look me in the eye. Evin, maybe 2-2.5 hours into the party came and introduced himself and we chatted a bit, that was about it. I was kind of disappointed. They stayed in the kitchen, kept to themselves. They came out for a drinking game here and there, but that was about it.

Insert Name got sick, I can't say what it was... maybe the fact that he was drinking Lucky Lager, an everything shot, a few Jell-o shooters, who knows. He got sick, threw up and Insert Name took him home. That crushed me. I hated to see Insert Name there, no having fun. She was supposed to be happy, instead she just sat there and did nothing. That made me depressed. She was probably holding back because of me.

Now, some of you may have been mad, maybe I was a little loud, who knows? But keep in mind, that is the 2nd time in as many days that I've drank heavily, and the last time before that was probably at Christmas Party, and even that wasn't that heavy.

I apologize to anyone that was offended by my loudness, or by the way I acted. I was drunk, and didn't know what else to do. I was trying to have fun and not think about things.

Jon took me into one of the rooms and was trying, in his own words, to get me to wake up and smell the coffee. They thought I was depressed maybe, I dunno. I was fine. Unfortunately, he punched a hole in one of the doors. So, while he was talking to me, everyone else who was there decided they wanted to go to the bar, it was about 12:30ish. I was torn, Eso was drunk as hell, and Anita was pretty gone too, so the three of us stayed. Jon/Nives and the rest went to the bar. Of course, we wanted to take Insert Name to the bar, but meh. He was at the hotel by then.

I think the 3 of us passed out watching Maverick, I was awoken an hour and a bit later, by Jon/Nina coming in, I think Jon punched another wall, and thought his hand was broken. So, we took him to his mom's house, Nina went with him. Eso, Anita, and myself went to their house, I had passed out on the couch. It was a good sleep, I slept til about 7ish, woke up again, and then fell back asleep/wake up every hour until Anita came down at 11am.

Here I am now, at home. Feeling good, despite the shaking in my hands as I type this, but the drunkenness is gone, thus the loneliness is back. That saddens me. I tried to be the bigger man, and called The Crest. Insert Name answered the phone, and we chatted briefly. I think she hates me now. I asked how Insert Name was, she said "fine" I asked how she was doing, she said "Fine" I asked if she had fun, it was supposed to be a party for everyone. She replies with "I had tons of fun". Why the fuck can't she just be happy. I know the weather sucks, but seriously. I used everything I had in me tonight, to go to that party and enjoy myself and not worry about her and Insert Name. Why couldn't she just come to the party and have fun. I've seen the pictures, and she was definately not having fun like the other parties.. Maybe thats because I wasn't there though...

It was still a good night, I just wish Insert Name was back with me, and not Insert Name. (Sorry)

-Destroyer of Worlds, Devourer of Hope, The One, The Only, Sir Ryan Last, Exiled.

So...

They always say its just as hard for them, they feel just as bad as the other half. But at the end of the night, who lays in the embrace of a loved one? Who has that companionship? Who?

This may sound quite Emo, but its the last thought I had before I woke up.

Be not worried about the embrace of another. Death shall cradle you, comfort you, and be with you for all eternity.

Ryan Last, Exiled.

Whatever Happens...

I need to realize that everything will be alright. Things happen for a reason, if Insert Name and I being together was meant to be a final thing, this wouldn'tve happened. If this whole ordeal is to teach Insert Name and I a lesson then so be it. Time will tell us what exactly the good spirits have planned for us, whether she is destined to spend the rest of her days with someone else, or we are meant to see the errors in our ways, and repair what has been damaged. Though it may hurt, I must be able to handle whatever the outcome is. In the end, we must accept what we are dealt, only then, can we truly succeed.

Good Night my friends. Thank you for being besides me when I need you the most. Thank you for the long talks of confidence that you've bestowed upon me, and thank you Insert Name for your concern, despite your own needs at this time.

I am truly in good hands. Maybe life is worth living.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

Death Has No Mistress...

and neither do I. What can I say, it was an interesting night. Starting the evening off with the consumption of large amounts of alcohol. Hurray for double gibson cokes. I attempted to bowl afterwards, racking a huge total of 98 in my current state.

We moved to Eso's place after bowling came to an end at 11:15pm. Upon arrival, we tore into Gerry's bottle of weirdman's scotch. While Scotch is inferior to Gibson's, it did help to quench my burning desire for more alcohol.

Gerry decided thereafter that he wanted to call Insert Name at the Crest, where Insert Name and Her were staying. Knowing Insert Name's last name, Gerry was able to get ahold of them, and after much yelling, decided to go get pizza's and meet them. This was my first test. Mentally, I was in no way prepared for the meeting. In my drunken stupor, I was unable to prepare myself for the sight of Insert Name with Insert Name, so I thanked the good spirits when Eso laid down the law, and said that the "extra sober people" in the car, were not coming over.

Tomorrow I will be ready, I won't allow my emotions to get the best of me. Admiteadly, I did vent for a good 30minutes while Gerry was gone, on why everything had happened the way it did, and why despite my best efforts, I couldn't deal with it, why I couldn't handle seeing them together.

My friends, I ask only that you bear with me during these next few days, come Wednesday/Thursday I should start having a better time handling everything, as Insert Name will be gone home, and I can adjust with whatever Insert Name decides she wants to do with her life, and just go back to being the good friend.

Of course, I also hereby promise to not sit in my kitchen at the table with a knife infront of me... Thats just not good for your soul.. I suppose.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

Time is up.

Mere hours away, things will be final. Whatever hopes I had that there may be a sliver of a chance that I could redeem myself in Insert Name's eyes is gone. All that is left is darkness. I've said it once, I'll say it again. I would've given the world for her to take me back into her sweet embrace, but that just won't be happening.

This should be it, after this night, I should be alright.. I hope. If I'm not, I can always take the easy way out.

Judgement Day...

So, everything I've prepared myself for mentally is for this day. Well, probably the next day, since I doubt my meeting with You know who will happen tonight. I'm filled with too many emotions that it hurts. Jealousy, Nervousness, and as much as I don't want to admit it... Anger. Why anger you ask? Well, why not. In my head, I am stuck with the images of the events that will unfold over the next 5 days... That makes me mad. While in my heart, I know nothing I can say or do, is going to change She's undying urge to be with Him, by the way she says she talks about him, by how happy she seems most of the time (unless she's talking to me), and of course, the fact that I'm still sitting here alone.

Whatever happens, I should be happy for l. Though it kills me to know that I've lost her for good. Just by the words she said when we were talking this afternoon, I know there is nothing left for me with her, and that makes me sad. Forgive me if I touch on this issues more than once in my blogging, its quite a serious issue to me.

So, here we go. Tonight I go to the bowling alley with the gang. I'm excited about that, I want to be happy again. I only wish I did this more when I still had reason to be truly happy.

If you truly love someone, you would be willing to take whatever the good spirits deal to you to ensure that the one you love is happy. I cannot be told I don't love someone to the depths of my heart, if I am willing to see them be with another man, to ensure that they are happy, safe and alive. When I think this to myself, everything gets better. I love/loved Insert Name, regardless what she thinks, regardless what has happened between us, and regardless what will happen over the next few days. I may have lost her to another, for better or worse, but I will always hold her dear within my heart.

Spirits, be with her this night, keep her safe.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

Ink and Me.

So, I don't know whats going on exactly, but I've gone a little over the deep end on activity, I bought a sketchbook yesterday, and have been just tearing into it with ideas. I have a vision. I intend to get a tattoo at some point, hopefully early 07, and I want it to be perfect. Now, if there was anything good that came from all that has happened, it was that it opened my eyes up to the "evil" side of all that I stand for. The hypocritical side. I always believed in protecting the one I love, putting her needs first and always ensuring she is safe throughout the day, every day. Somewhere I veered off that path of righteousness, thus born my evil side.

It hit me while sitting in my computer chair, that I could create that who idea, and by putting it on my body, act as a constant reminder that I should never let myself get so righteous that I start fucking up.

The Idea:

I'll start from the beginning. Throughout my life, I have always been a fantasy nut, loving nothing more than knights, and dragons, magic and mystery. From my early readings in Solamnia with the Knighthood, I strove to hold up their ideals in everyday life. Putting the needs of others ahead of yourself, never running from a battle, be it physical or mental, and most importantly of all, self sacrifice, the act of putting thy own life before that of another. Now, don't get me wrong, I knew this wasn't possible, but my imagination always got the best of me. (Though you may find this amusing, thats fine, but I always wished I could conjure magic, I wished I could create a ball of fire in my hand, and send it off towards someone who stood in the way of my dreams and incinerate them. Or to thrust my hand at the ground, and watch as a pillar of flame burst from a building. Crazy I know.) So, The White Knight, a beacon of the holy order, what I strived to be. Picture that on the left side, Gleaming plate mail, helmet with a Griffon feather attached to the top of it, a white cloth tabard, with the standard of the order stitched into it. A knight of Truth and Justice. In his hand, a Sword, 1handed most likely, surrounded by an aura of pure white fire burning on the blade. At his feet, his tower shield, strong enough to defend from anything that came his way.

Now, crossing the void in the middle, where light meets dark in pure chaos and anarchy, stands the Death Knight. My Evil side, this knight wears plate mail aswell, however, his is black as the void itself, with red trim, a menacing sight for anyone to see. His look, so evil, fits in perfectly for it is exactly how I feel, looking back at the way I have acted. Instead of upholding the values I try to keep to, I went and fell off the track, into the depths of darkness. Now, back to this Death Knight. His helmet, With a bit more red than black, fearsome though, has the wings of a bone dragon coming off the sides. Spikes are adorned all over his armor. In his hands, unlike the Holy Knight, blade down, stands a massive black bladed 2handed Sword. A sword altered so that sharp bits of blade grow out from the black in different angles to catch his opponent with different swipes and disarm him. Pulsing from this hideous blade, an aura of pure evil.

Standing side to side, with the eternal struggle of Good versus Evil in between them, this tattoo should be a work of art. A small bit of white/black as a background around the two.

Frankly, I can't wait. This is going to be a work of art. Now, to get the art underway.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

Emotions...

have a tendancy to creep up on your when you least expect it. Casually I was digging through a box of papers, looking for my epic grade 12 I.D. card with me holding the calculator, and I came across these small little cards that She used to mail me. I remembered the poem she wrote on the back of one of them. Finding that card, I read the poem, and it began. Write before work too, what am I thinking.

Before I head to word, red-eyed and all, I'll leave you with the writing on the back of the card.

Dark night, dark day
Led astray we ran away.
We fight for life
Can't you hear?

We are fighting for our lives,
In the darkness of the night.
Can't you see,
What will be?
Power of light,
Give us your might.
We are fighting.

She always told me to fight, no matter what. Why didn't I heed her words in this time of saddness, I might've been able to change everything!

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

Running...

Ever have a dream where your running? Just running as fast as you can, right off a cliff? It was weird for me to wake at 7:00am this morning in a cold sweat because I hit the bottom after running off that cliff. I don't know what it means. In a way I am kind of worried, but I wouldn't know the first thing as to what it means. I spent a few moments last night chatting with . In a way, talking to her is becomming easier, but at the same time, a piece of me dies everytime I ask her if she's excited because its only 2 days left, or if she is going to be alright. I suppose thats the consequences for not being able to get someone out of your head, even now.

I however, countered my agony of waking up from a new form of my death that I've never seen before, by doing that what I just finished doing in my dream. Running. I ran for 30minutes on the exercise bike that l left behind, it helped. I was able to watch my sports highlights all the while getting a bit of exercise.

Anyways, Loki is whining, I must go and feed my king, for if I don't, torture me he will do.

May the good spirits watch over you always.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

Time...

takes its toll on all of us in different ways. Today I was supposed to take my road test for my "N" liscence. I arrive at the office at 12:45pm, only to find out that I am being charged a late fee. "Late fee?" I ask. She informs me that I didn't cancel my last appointment, so I'm being charged a fee. Low and behold, my appointment was at 10:30am today, not 1:00pm. So, I had to reschedule for December 6th, I get dinged $25 bucks, and I lost the afternoon of work, and why?! Because the lady who I talked to on September 25th, said that my appointment was at the same time, (1:00pm). So, that has put a thorn in my side.

We shall see how the remainder of the day goes. The days to social interaction are counting down, Friday night is Bowling, Saturday night is much fun at Jon/Nina's. *Cheer* Frankly, I can't wait to let myself unwind with friends. I've neglected everyone for so long.

I've got a sketch book now, I think its time I started my art again, I always was a good artist I thought.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

Snow...

Fuck! Thats all I can say. Of all the types of weather I didn't wan't for my driving test today, Snow was at the top of the list of candidates, right next to earthquake, and volcano eruption. This should make for an interesting test...

With that said, I know that my test is this afternoon, so there is still time, and I pray that it will be melted by the time I take my test. I've never driven in snow, and doing it for the first time, while being tested, probably isn't a good plan.

Anyways, I must admit, I slept alright. I'm up early, 7:40am, but besides that all is well. I didn't wake up with the shivers and shakes, with those horrible feelings in my gut. I woke up, just well... Me. I think thats a good sign.

*Edit* I think is mad at me, she doesn't talk with any emotion to me or really anyone anymore, and that worries me. I made mistakes, she let me know what they were, and I'm trying to change, I'm trying to get turn back into the Ryan she met, the Ryan she fell in love with, rather, the Ryan everyone fell in love with. I don't want to be known as the social outcast anymore, and it hurts to think that is mad at me because of it. I know I should've changed before all this had happened, but like I said before, you don't what the greatness of what you've lost, until its already gone. I won't be fucking up again, that much I know.

Take care world, may your day be as bright as I hope mine will be. /bow

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

Social Steps... Part 2

So, sitting at home, I got to talking with Andrew, and we decided I needed to get out. So, we figured, meh, lets go see Borat. Now, I'm not a huge fan of comedy, I'm a fantasy nut, but I must admit, I found this movie to be hilarious. Constantly laughing, it was a great movie, ideal to change a sub-par night, into a good time. To top it off, as we were leaving, I thought I noticed a girl I knew back when we were ten. Andrea Loftus, or maybe it was her younger sister, who knows, she just looked a lot like her. Weird eh?

11:15pm, I've made it through this day, with very little emotional meltdowns which is good. It was a nice change, the lady at the theatre said she hasn't seen me in forever, wondered what happened to me. That kinda let me down, when people you don't really know, are asking where you went to, when you've been in town all along, that kinda, well... isn't good.

Tomorrow I start tutoring. I'm excited, its a little extra change in my pocket, and helps me strengthen my teaching skills for at work. So, hopefully I can have myself a good nights rest, and then have a good day tomorrow.

Ooh, I guess I should also mention, I go for my "N" test tomorrow at 1:00pm. I'm quite confident in myself, given my current condition. If all goes well, I think that will be a huge step towards myself back in gear again. Heres to hoping.

I do apologize though, to everyone for having to put up with me. Nina and Kristen, thank you for the company on msn today, it really helped. Its been a while since I've chatted at length with you guys, and it was a great pleasure to do it again. Hopefully things won't be too catastrophic over the next little while, and thought you may not think your helping, everyone is being a great help, yes , even you. Although you think that all you've done is hurt me, your wrong, your helping me now, just being able to talk to you is a huge help.

Anyways, I am going to sit online for a bit longer, maybe watch a bit of TV, and then get a good nights rest. This test is going to be tough tomorrow, but I'm confident!

I've come to the conclusion that I need a tattoo too, I need to go all out and be sporatic. So, tomorrow I'm going to go buy a sketchbook and start my masterpiece.

Good night my friends, thank you for your endless support. Good night my dear, sleep well.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

The Wheels of Time turn...

Well, Yesterday had a few high points, and low points...

I'm thankful to have friends right now, I really need them. Eso and Anita took me for Lunch at Solley's and it was quite refreshing to rekindle my friendship with alcohol. I ate, which is something I haven't been doing much of, and I got to chat with friends I don't see often, because I've allowed myself to become a social outcast. As I said earlier, I chatted with and in a group chat, and that went alright. Though hard. I started to meltdown around 5ish. I couldn't control myself. Thoughts were flying around in my head like mad, driving me mad at the same time. It was horrible.

Shortly after my little meltdown, Jon came by, I was thankful he did, we just sat around a chilled, I showed him FF12, and then we watched random bits of television until Nina showed up at around 8:30. They left shortly after. I had called my dad for advice. Frankly, you may read this, and say to yourself, "Damn, this guy is fucked up". For the most part its true. I can only be who I am, no more. I am trying to take the steps nessecary for me to get over this, and get on to the road to happiness, but I keep letting myself get brought down.

The night was hard, I didn't get much sleep, I was bothered by once again, thoughts terrorizing me. I went back to the happier years of our relationship, sitting at 's house sitting house, watching TV and holding each other throughout the night, being surrounded by friends, laughing, enjoying each others company. To times where I was happy, and she was happy. I was reminded of times we'd sit there, on the phone when she was at school, and talk about children, and what we'd name ours. She was determined to have a boy named Damien, I, was to name the girl. Those kind of thoughts can crush a man in my state of mind. But, I look at it and smile, our relationship wasn't all bad, we had our moments. In a way, I'm happy we are all playing WoW, especially the girls. I know it will come to an end, but for now, I'm happy.

Work was a bit rough, I found myself dozing off at Recess and Lunch, relaxing on the couch in the staff room. Alas, I also got stuck thinking there. Deep down inside, I worry for , I don't want her to make the same mistake that she made with me. She loved me, and tormented herself for months and months because of that. I want her to be happy, not just jump headlong into this, and wind up getting hurt.

I'm going to see what happens today, see if I can handle the night. is at school I believe, I may go to cards, I haven't decided.

All I know is, after you lose something, you realize how badly you want it back. I can honestly say that I would give anything, including my life, to have her back. I would give up everything I have, to try again. That, I'm afraid, is THE hardest thing I am trying to get over. The fact that I do still love her, despite her unhappiness, and would change any way possible, to have her back.

*sigh* This is going to be hard.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

What can I say...

I had the honor of chatting with , and at the same time. It hurt, what else can I say. To chat with the man who will be taking away my , the woman who I thought I could have a good life with, is hard. However, it wasn't all bad. He seemed friendly enough, and in the end, I wish the best. We were never meant to be, its apparent, its just hard to accept it. Thats my problem, I can't accept that I've lost her. I can't accept that I put my life on hold to move to Prince George, to drop everything to be with her, and to lose her just like that. It hurts. Its not her fault though, it was my fault. The decisions I made throughout the past 1.5 years of her unhappiness are the reason why I sit alone in this suite, typing to a blog, biting back my emotions.

I will be there Saturday, I will be having fun. I will welcome as a friend of 's, and hopefully one day, I can call him my friend. I would hate to lose as a friend because of my foolishness. That, my friends, would be the ultimate loss.

Just thought I'd make a post about it, it wasn't a bad conversation, it was awkward. It seems this is just really hard, and I'm having trouble coming to terms that my life is about to make some durastic changes.

Take care my friends,

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

The Next Day.

Well, I made it through that night, and I woke up to boot. /selfcongrats. I ended my evening with an email to , which, to my happiness, was replied to, upon waking up this morning.

I asked her to explain things, and she did, in quite a bit of detail. It seems she has been quite unhappy. Since about our time in Prince George. Now, in a way, this makes me feel horrible. How can one person live with this kind of pain for a year and a half, and not do something about it? In a way, I'm glad she endured it, because it left her with a great person to turn to now. Evin will be good for her, as far as I can see, there is potential for her with him and I couldn't be happier. She tied up some knots for me, and let me know what went wrong for her.

What can I say! I enjoy my games, too much it seems. Because of that, it has costed me the greatest thing in my life. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not out. I have gone and cancelled one of my accounts, and stopped raiding (I gave my hiatus post earlier this morning). This will be good. I am going to change my life around, and see what happens. I'm going to be more social, I'm going to start running, and eating healthier. For instance, today Monday, November 13th, 2006 will be my last day of drinking coke, with the exception of alcoholic beverages, which I am going to start drinking again. I am looking forward to these changes. By stopping raiding, I can slowly kill off my gaming altogether. I'll still have my PS2, and Final Fantasy XII, but it is a lot easier to tear myself away from that, as it is to tear myself from WoW.

To my friends, I apologize for the drama this could potentially bring forth. Losing WoW, and Coke, and is going to be life-threatening to say the least. A deadly combo for any gamer.


Back to the email. It gave me a brief timeline of the problems we had. It seems played WoW to get me to notice her more, and that just crushes me inside to know that I was that blind! Seriously, you have a gorgeous woman, with a fantastic mind, and potential for anything, sitting right next to you, and you can't notice her?! Fuck Ryan, give your head a shake, you screwed up bigtime here, and you have noone to blame but yourself. You screwed up to the point where there is no return, and she left you. Get on with your life. Or end it. Whatever works.

Its 9:00am, Im rambling a bit here, going from place to place, for that I apologize. I really should get a hold on my thoughts, but there is only so much room in this head.

I sit here and write this, in a bit worse of a mood than when I wrote my reply to 's reply. I could probably give in to my emotions and have a muched needed "emo" moment, but that would do no good. I'm glad she told me the full truth though, it lets me know what the hell I've done wrong, and how I've hurt her so much. I can only hope, no. There is no hope, I WILL never let this happen again to any relationship I am in. I refuse to let someone become hurt like . Never again!

I am going to enjoy this day off. I am going to go back to bed for a bit, then probably go for a much needed walk. Cool myself off, collect my thoughts, yadda yadda. From there, who knows. I may put some more time into this execise bike that left here for now. I need to get back into shape anyways.

In conclusion, I've learned that I have problems, and I intend to address them, deal with them, nay, conquer them, and find happiness. Though it may require me to travel the world, I won't let myself hurt anyone else.

May god be my witness, , I am truly sorry for what I've done, and my only hope is that after all is said and done, you find happiness with , then it will be worth it. Worth the wasted time with someone who hurt you so, to find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Take care world, I shall be back.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

The Story Begins.

Well, I must admit I never thought I'd ever make a blog, but after thinking, it does give me a type of emotional outlet to get these horrible thoughts out of my head. The last few weeks have been nothing but hell in a cell for me. While dealing with the ever painful loss of my beloved , I am now starting a new job, and need to work hard to get a good first impression. We shall see how that goes.

It hurts. Thats about all I can say on the subject with . I never thought it would happen. I would fall asleep thinking of the fun we could have together, traveling the world, enjoy life to its fullest... in time. Time, my mortal enemy, striving to drive a wedge in between me and my happiness, has succeeded in taking me down. What I thought was forever, turned out to be disappointment, as we have gone our seperate ways. How? She was unhappy... You ask why she was unhappy? Well, unfortunately, I am still a little unclear on it. We seem to have hit a bump, that left staying up til the wee hours of the night, chatting with friends from World of Warcraft, while I slept to get ready for work. Now, I have my theories on how her unhappiness got brought into light, but I won't state those here. I wish I could go back into time, and remedy whatever ailed , and brought about her unhappiness, but I cannot. I try to move on, but again, I cannot. It hurts.

I was happy, I really was, but unfortunately, the world cannot be happy at the same time as me. That is the theory that whomever resides within my head thought up. Because I thought I was actually happy, something had to happen to balance that out, thus, became unhappy, and needed to get away. Either works.

So, here I sit, in a cold empty basement suite, lonely as ever, wondering what will become of my life, and how I will make it through each day. Loki sleeps at my feet, as a constant reminder, that I can be happy, even in solitude. It is going to be a hard, long road. People assure me I can make it, and as time passes wounds heal. I wish I could believe that. I look up at the picture of and I, a picture that I am actually smiling in, one of those "Nothing else could be better" type of smiles that is rarely seen on my face, and I wonder where it all went wrong.

It seems I dwell on things too much. I am going to try to continue on, get through one day at a time. I suppose work, cards, and hockey will help, but I doubt it will be enough.

I sit here and come to the conclusion that I really am quite "emo". Hell, I just need to start cutting myself, and I'm on a whole new level. Down the tracks, not across right?

Ohh well. Besides dealing with the toughest loss I've ever have to deal with, I suppose I'm doing alright. My new job is going great, I really like working at the school. That and now I can make most of my raids in WoW, and still talk with my friends.

I think I'm going to try and be a bit more social. There is a welcoming party at Jon/Nina's on Saturday, and I really would like to attend, its been a LONG time since I was social on that kind of level, and really think it would be a good idea. However, I am torn. is bringing in a friend of hers , from somewhere down in the southern states. Now, as I stated before, in my theories, part of me thinks said individual might've played a key role in what I considered happiness, to come crashing down. Regardless, he is coming to visit, and I want him to be recieved well by my friends, and friends. I want them to like him, despite the way I feel about him, so I've opted to bow out of the festivities. However, I think if I did, I would live to regret it, so chances are I will be attending on Saturday night.

Finally getting the suite cleaned up, I've procrastinated long enough, and with noone to rub that procrastination off onto nomore, I have no choice but to start cleaning. Laundry is taking its time, but it is nearly done. took her clothes home, so there really isn't much left in this house.

I went to watch Hockey tonight, I was really glad I did. It was nice to get out and see some old hockey friends. Hopefully I'll be playing next week.

Looking at this, I think I've hit all the key points that have been depressing me so much these past weeks. I wish I could turn back time, but in the end, I think the unhappiness started early, and well.. I really don't want to turn back time that far. I will miss you , and I must say, it would pain me greatly if you did end up with someone from online, and moreso if said individual did infact break us apart, but it is in the past, one of those forgive and forget type things.

I wish you the best in the world , and if you ever need anything let me know. I hope you know I was happy until the day we parted, which I think makes it all more painful. You went from unhappy to happy, I went the opposite, which is probably why I feel the way I do still. Of course, I still won't show any emotion in public.



Good night my friends, thank you for reading my first blog post ever.

Sincerely,

Ryan Last, Exiled.