That fire within me that burns so bright...

I stare up, at the stars, and can’t help but feel humbled by their greatness. Such things fill me with wonder. I lose myself within my thoughts when I stare at the stars. I reflect, I contemplate, I dare to let myself dream.

One thing I do know is that a passion is starting to ignite within me. What it means at this point is beyond me. I know only that at times in the day I am at such a high in my moods that I could call out to the heavens themselves. I can’t stop smiling, and my heart races… I miss that feeling, and am truly pleased to know that it is starting to find its fire to burn brightly again.

This Sunday night I had such a chance to gaze to the heavens and be rewarded with such a sight as the stars themselves. So long has it been since I gave myself the opportunity to do such a thing. I feel I made progress, and at the same time, feel that I let myself sink a bit too. Regardless, I have things that I want to write about, and this is my outlet to do so. Take my words as you will, interpret them as you see fit, but know this. You can’t truly comprehend what goes on within my own self, so don’t read too deep, less you join me, lost in the endless sea of confusion that is my feelings.

I slept a few hours last night. My computer has found a new home in the living room, due to power issues, so it allows me to take refuge on the couch, and watch a movie while I try to sleep. I had the pleasure of watching “King Arthur” again. While it may be a lackluster film by some standards, to me it is a very entertaining piece. I see Arthur, on his horse, and think back to mere days ago, and the comments that we shared. I can’t help but smile, and then of course the “pain” within my chest as I curse myself for not coming back. I can’t allow myself to regret though, you taught me that… but that unfortunately won’t stop me from feeling pain at times. I do so like the thought of being that White Knight though…

I sit here writing this, battered and bruised from that same Sunday night, when I found my competitive side ignited by the sport that I enjoy playing so much. I welcome that pain, for it reminds me that I worked hard. That pain is easier to deal with, and some days I would welcome it over that which I’ve dealt with…

Of course, your reading this by now, and wondering why on earth you even bother. Nothing can make him happy you say. That’s not true. Happiness is there, and I can’t deny it. Its just times I find that there feelings of sadness far outweigh the feelings of joy when it comes to me writing on my blog. But maybe that’s why I do it. By writing on my blog I allow myself to focus more on the happiness outside of this webpage. Sometimes bits of negativity seep out though and you are left with things like my facebook status and whatnot.

I have not been received well these past few weeks by some people. Why? I have done nothing wrong, except try aimlessly to be the best person I can be for those I care about. Yet that turns around and gets me labeled as some form of monster, some form of beast of burden that is only out to cause grief within the world. While I try not to let the judgements of others weigh that heavily upon me, when it also makes the lives of my friends more difficult, then we have a problem.

I can’t help it that I enjoy the company of others. I’ve spent so many years isolated, removed from society and spending my time within a world that can never be my own. While I still find myself within similar worlds today, it is not nearly as intense as it once was. I feel that is a step in the right direction. In turn it allows me time to spend with friends. I just worry, as per usual, that the time that I spend with them tries their patience with me, and I will find myself pushed away once more, and left to rot, so to speak.

And of course feelings will start to develop, how can they not? You spend time with someone, it is only natural, a strengthening of a friend relationship. I am simply able to contain them though, keep them in check. I would not want to ruin my friendships. I dread losing you all the most… that biggest fear.

In mere weeks my life will take a change. While not a large change, it is a change none-the-less. I will be moving from my current living arrangement into a much more, cozier, easier to handle place. Simply put, the life of a single man with a cat can not hope to survive in the world at this rate. Especially while trying to go to school.

School has been good thus far. I am enjoying getting back in touch with my educational side. A few more years and I might just be a teacher. Where that takes me is beyond me. London was mentioned, and while it would be a wonderful place to go, I just don’t know how serious something like that would be. But hey! I can be adventurous, who knows where things will go!

I am working on my research assignment for English, and find that I might be in a bit of a predicament. The survery I wanted to do won’t be able to be done in time due to a lengthy process that needs to be taken in order to get said survery completed by students. Such is life I suppose. I will find other means of course.

I am walking more, but eating less. I feel bad for the way I am, but at the same time, there isn’t much I can do about it at this point in time. I just don’t have the motivation to eat these days. With sleep so sporadic and my mood so tempered these days, I find food an inconvenience, something that at times, can set me off and ruin my day completely. So in turn, I don’t eat much.

I know its depressing, but I do sit back and wonder what life will be like when I am gone. Do I fear death? It is a question that makes me think… In turn the only thing I can come up with is how would I be dying? Would I die in defense of someone who means something to me, or old age, or simply an altercation gone wrong outside of some local bar? Different situations can bring about different answers, Now don’t worry, this is merely idle thoughts that come up when I stare at the stars on a clear Sunday evening, one of the many things that I wonder about.

What am I going to do with myself? The thought of things changing when I move into my new place is a good one. I am sure my eating habits will change, as I will find myself closer to home, and living under a woman who has been like a second mother to me. Rest assured I’ll be fine.

Life is going onwards without me though, that much is apparent. I will be 25 soon… Quarter of a century old… Scary thought. One friend has already had her 2nd child, and two of my friends are en route to becoming fathers in the next half year or so. I envy that. It is funny though, to see back and say to yourself,

“So eager to grow up and get your life started and begin to worry about other’s lives, but you haven’t even begun to live you own.”

I find it hard to argue my own logic. I haven’t lived my life at all. I mean, I have done some things, but in the grand scheme of things, I need to get out and do something. I just don’t know what.

You know, it saddens me greatly to think that it has been over a year since we’ve seen each other. It is just one of those random thoughts that I somehow come up with. Lord knows I’ve tried to see you. I’ve been thwarted at every turn. Is it a stronger force that I don’t yet understand telling me that it can’t be? Or is it simply a bad time? I don’t know the answer, but I do know that I miss you.

I know my thoughts are scattered. Running off 2 hours of sleep tonight, and then only 2 and a half hours the night before definitely doesn’t help me out. I will try to get more sleep though, I promise.

I think I am getting to the point where I am going to start needing the advice. So long have I tried my best to help others in whatever they need… but now it has become a realization that I am in fact in need of help. I want to get things straightened out, back on track… I just need help.

Wherever life takes me, whomever stands by my side at the end of the day, I am thankful for having the honor of being friends with you all. You’ve made my life so much more and I can’t thank you enough for that.

Til next we meet,

Never give in, never give up, always dare to dream.

-Ryan