Never a dull moment...

So I head to PG in a few months. Video Games Live is going to be amazing, and I am so excited at the chance to see Aggro again! It has been far too long, and I've just been dying to see you again.

That is going to be the one big constant for me to keep me going. The chance to see you, see PG, and enjoy myself.

With all that is going on right now, I need this.

Only a few more weeks for K. The apartment is empty, and she's at her folks now. Really sad indeed. :(

=========================

I've had to take drastic measures in other aspects of my life.

What am I to do? My life is confusing enough, and I think at the moment that your presence in my life, even if its just through a simple internet website is just a risk that I am not willing to take.

Am I heartless for not replying? No, I don't think so. You have a good life now, and I am happy for you that it is going so well. But that is where it stops. I don't want to complicate your life anymore than I want my own complicated.

I don't regret anything. A very special person taught me that. What is the use in regretting things? Things happen for a reason, and if you spend your time regretting the past, you won't enjoy the future.

Can we chat? I'm sure that might be a possibility one day. I am sure you know my email still. That's really the best I can do. From there, who knows.

Right now, all I know is that my life is being torn asunder with people moving, people getting married, and people just all around changing their own lives. As such, I have my own problems to deal with.

As for the past. I am not concerned by it. Do I harbor any ill wills? Not in the least. Nor am I bitter, or mad. Things have happened, and that's just the way it is. If there are gray areas, they will forever remain gray areas, but gray areas that are buried long ago. They aren't a concern of anyone's now.

Don't regret your decisions. You shouldn't have to, for yourself, for me, for anyone. Just enjoy your life. Happiness is all I ever wanted for anyone.

==============

That's the best I got at the moment. Thanks again friends for listening to the insane babbling of a fool.

-Exiled.

A long, delayed post

Ahhh! Good ole Blog, how you’ve stuck with me all these long nights. Though we haven’t spoken in quite some time, you are always here as an outlet for my thoughts when all other options have been exhausted. I’ve neglected posting for far too long, and I think I’ve had enough excitement in the last few months to warrant writing something.

Where do I begin?

I survived my first semester of school. Was great to get back into the classroom again and learn. Maintained a B average, which I am pleased with, considering it is my first year back since 2002/2003 in Kelowna. (We all know how that went!)

Things are still quiet in the relationship department. No surprise there I suppose. Though, for a brief fleeting moment, I saw a shred of hope, but that was quickly doused by my own inexperience and frankly, my own foolishness and haste. Let that be a lesson learned. She was a nice girl though, and I thoroughly enjoyed talking to her, and getting to know her. But hey! At the end of the day, we still talk here and there, which is good.

Christmas came and went, and things continued on their way. I was unable to find work, but that doesn’t bother me, seeing as how I decided to push school and went for five classes as opposed to taking three and child care working. I figure I will Child care work in late April – late June, and then work maintenance crew if possible during the summer. That’s the plan. We will see how it goes.

I’ve missed my Aggro dearly. Yes, I know she’s busy with her own life and whatnot, but that still doesn’t make me wish to visit any less. I still wish you could have came down for my 25th, but I understand completely… I wasn’t able to come down for yours either. But! That is why I am coming to visit in May! Video Games Live, and a visit with my Aggro! What could be better?

Life around me is changing ever so rapidly and I am afraid I am being drowned by the chaotic maelstrom. There are two weddings this summer! A great part of my circle of friends are getting married, and some of my best friends to boot! I am very proud and excited and happy for them. I can’t wait to see them all married and starting their lives together. That’ll be awesome!

Two more friends are moving away… I don’t know what to say…
I’m happy for them, ecstatic, don’t get me wrong… I guess in the long run I will really miss them. I’ve enjoyed having a friend who liked hanging out with me, going for coffees and spicy chicken on wine nights, and whatnot.

Granted, people just say it’s because she’s the other one that’s single, but I don’t think that’s true. We have fun hanging out! I don’t even think we could argue if we tried… unless it was about which whiskey was better…. Haha <3

I moved to a new place in December. Life was getting too expensive to live in my old place, and to be frank, the memories were still there, and by moving I feel just a bit more “cleansed”… Yeah, some say it might be harsh to say that, but what am I supposed to do? I want to have a fresh life, in every way, shape and form… Except Loki. Loki maybe have come into this world with two people that cared for him, but he’ll always be there to keep me company, and truth be told, he does a good job cheering me up. Always wants to play with his Valentine’s day heart toy!

I have been trying to get time hanging out with anyone I can these days! Yeah, I don’t much care for sitting at home by myself… Like we ALL didn’t know that before, right?

I’m really gonna miss you when you move K. Like, seriously… What the hell am I going to do without my Whiskey partner! Ugh… Well… We will make this last month a wicked good time! That much is for sure! I’ll worry about the rest after.

Take care my friends... I know this isn’t the longest post I’ve made, but figured I’d write at least something.


Forever yours,

Exiled.

The Struggle

It has been a tough week.

Simply put, I haven't been sleeping. Sleep finds me when I am exhausted beyond comprehension. That is not a good thing in my books. To be honest, it is the worst thing! I need sleep, at least a bit.

What worries me most is that when I do pass out, there is no way for me to wake myself up. Alarms rarely work, and I usually end up on the couch again, so I don't have an alarm clock with me. Hmmm, maybe I should grab one.

School has been rough. This essay I have that is due on Wednesday is back to square one, and I am really feeling the pressure. But what am I to do? I picked a topic, and it turns out I feel a bit too strong about it. Thus I have to try for a different topic. Ugh!

Trying not to stress about life too much beyond that. Yeah... life is life. Its lonely, but what can I do. I don't put the effort to get out there, so I am just left with my wallowing. Yeah, that's something that women look for, Hah!

Moving is slowly... well... "moving" along. I got rid of a bunch of stuff, and hopefully next weekend we clear out the bigger stuff to the Salvation Army and whatnot. I am taking very little with me. When the time comes to furnish a new place, then I can buy new stuff. For now, I don't need a lot of it. The couch and bed etc are probably going to find themselves at the dump, since they are old, and on their last legs.

Cleaning the house is definitely a chore, hah! I can see now why some of you are cleaning constantly. Its tough to clean up when you've let it slide in certain areas. I need to get rid of alot of dishes etc too! Taking very little with me to this new place.

Hockey was a gong show tonight. I played absolutely horrendous. Too much on the mind no doubt. It doesn't help that I am being considered for trade. I don't mind either way. If I get traded, I get traded. I just want to have fun. Hopefully next week though I will play better.

I was an absolute hermit this weekend too. I know the Kristin/Kristen combo must be just frustrated with me. I wasn't at bowling, nor did I want to go out on Saturday. I just sat at home, and dreamed about sleep.

I am going to try and lay down here shortly, and hope that I can find at least 4 hours of sleep. That would be ideal.

Either way, once this week is over with, I will be a very happy man.... until finals.

That fire within me that burns so bright...

I stare up, at the stars, and can’t help but feel humbled by their greatness. Such things fill me with wonder. I lose myself within my thoughts when I stare at the stars. I reflect, I contemplate, I dare to let myself dream.

One thing I do know is that a passion is starting to ignite within me. What it means at this point is beyond me. I know only that at times in the day I am at such a high in my moods that I could call out to the heavens themselves. I can’t stop smiling, and my heart races… I miss that feeling, and am truly pleased to know that it is starting to find its fire to burn brightly again.

This Sunday night I had such a chance to gaze to the heavens and be rewarded with such a sight as the stars themselves. So long has it been since I gave myself the opportunity to do such a thing. I feel I made progress, and at the same time, feel that I let myself sink a bit too. Regardless, I have things that I want to write about, and this is my outlet to do so. Take my words as you will, interpret them as you see fit, but know this. You can’t truly comprehend what goes on within my own self, so don’t read too deep, less you join me, lost in the endless sea of confusion that is my feelings.

I slept a few hours last night. My computer has found a new home in the living room, due to power issues, so it allows me to take refuge on the couch, and watch a movie while I try to sleep. I had the pleasure of watching “King Arthur” again. While it may be a lackluster film by some standards, to me it is a very entertaining piece. I see Arthur, on his horse, and think back to mere days ago, and the comments that we shared. I can’t help but smile, and then of course the “pain” within my chest as I curse myself for not coming back. I can’t allow myself to regret though, you taught me that… but that unfortunately won’t stop me from feeling pain at times. I do so like the thought of being that White Knight though…

I sit here writing this, battered and bruised from that same Sunday night, when I found my competitive side ignited by the sport that I enjoy playing so much. I welcome that pain, for it reminds me that I worked hard. That pain is easier to deal with, and some days I would welcome it over that which I’ve dealt with…

Of course, your reading this by now, and wondering why on earth you even bother. Nothing can make him happy you say. That’s not true. Happiness is there, and I can’t deny it. Its just times I find that there feelings of sadness far outweigh the feelings of joy when it comes to me writing on my blog. But maybe that’s why I do it. By writing on my blog I allow myself to focus more on the happiness outside of this webpage. Sometimes bits of negativity seep out though and you are left with things like my facebook status and whatnot.

I have not been received well these past few weeks by some people. Why? I have done nothing wrong, except try aimlessly to be the best person I can be for those I care about. Yet that turns around and gets me labeled as some form of monster, some form of beast of burden that is only out to cause grief within the world. While I try not to let the judgements of others weigh that heavily upon me, when it also makes the lives of my friends more difficult, then we have a problem.

I can’t help it that I enjoy the company of others. I’ve spent so many years isolated, removed from society and spending my time within a world that can never be my own. While I still find myself within similar worlds today, it is not nearly as intense as it once was. I feel that is a step in the right direction. In turn it allows me time to spend with friends. I just worry, as per usual, that the time that I spend with them tries their patience with me, and I will find myself pushed away once more, and left to rot, so to speak.

And of course feelings will start to develop, how can they not? You spend time with someone, it is only natural, a strengthening of a friend relationship. I am simply able to contain them though, keep them in check. I would not want to ruin my friendships. I dread losing you all the most… that biggest fear.

In mere weeks my life will take a change. While not a large change, it is a change none-the-less. I will be moving from my current living arrangement into a much more, cozier, easier to handle place. Simply put, the life of a single man with a cat can not hope to survive in the world at this rate. Especially while trying to go to school.

School has been good thus far. I am enjoying getting back in touch with my educational side. A few more years and I might just be a teacher. Where that takes me is beyond me. London was mentioned, and while it would be a wonderful place to go, I just don’t know how serious something like that would be. But hey! I can be adventurous, who knows where things will go!

I am working on my research assignment for English, and find that I might be in a bit of a predicament. The survery I wanted to do won’t be able to be done in time due to a lengthy process that needs to be taken in order to get said survery completed by students. Such is life I suppose. I will find other means of course.

I am walking more, but eating less. I feel bad for the way I am, but at the same time, there isn’t much I can do about it at this point in time. I just don’t have the motivation to eat these days. With sleep so sporadic and my mood so tempered these days, I find food an inconvenience, something that at times, can set me off and ruin my day completely. So in turn, I don’t eat much.

I know its depressing, but I do sit back and wonder what life will be like when I am gone. Do I fear death? It is a question that makes me think… In turn the only thing I can come up with is how would I be dying? Would I die in defense of someone who means something to me, or old age, or simply an altercation gone wrong outside of some local bar? Different situations can bring about different answers, Now don’t worry, this is merely idle thoughts that come up when I stare at the stars on a clear Sunday evening, one of the many things that I wonder about.

What am I going to do with myself? The thought of things changing when I move into my new place is a good one. I am sure my eating habits will change, as I will find myself closer to home, and living under a woman who has been like a second mother to me. Rest assured I’ll be fine.

Life is going onwards without me though, that much is apparent. I will be 25 soon… Quarter of a century old… Scary thought. One friend has already had her 2nd child, and two of my friends are en route to becoming fathers in the next half year or so. I envy that. It is funny though, to see back and say to yourself,

“So eager to grow up and get your life started and begin to worry about other’s lives, but you haven’t even begun to live you own.”

I find it hard to argue my own logic. I haven’t lived my life at all. I mean, I have done some things, but in the grand scheme of things, I need to get out and do something. I just don’t know what.

You know, it saddens me greatly to think that it has been over a year since we’ve seen each other. It is just one of those random thoughts that I somehow come up with. Lord knows I’ve tried to see you. I’ve been thwarted at every turn. Is it a stronger force that I don’t yet understand telling me that it can’t be? Or is it simply a bad time? I don’t know the answer, but I do know that I miss you.

I know my thoughts are scattered. Running off 2 hours of sleep tonight, and then only 2 and a half hours the night before definitely doesn’t help me out. I will try to get more sleep though, I promise.

I think I am getting to the point where I am going to start needing the advice. So long have I tried my best to help others in whatever they need… but now it has become a realization that I am in fact in need of help. I want to get things straightened out, back on track… I just need help.

Wherever life takes me, whomever stands by my side at the end of the day, I am thankful for having the honor of being friends with you all. You’ve made my life so much more and I can’t thank you enough for that.

Til next we meet,

Never give in, never give up, always dare to dream.

-Ryan

Do you ever sit there and wonder if you've spent far too much time worrying about something that you really shouldn't have? Something that you have no control over? Yeah, I know... guilty as charged.

I've been busy. Too busy sometimes. I have a pretty steady day most days, and while it may be a bit more socially focused than I am used to, I have no complaints. I try to get as much time with friends as I possibly can, without sacrificing school, or my health.

Lounged about yesterday for the greater portion of the day with a couple friends. Watched TV and whatnot, and just vegged, and had vegetable lasanga to boot. It was good though, something I don't do very often. I have no complaints. Besides, its always nice spending time with them. Cheers to that!

I do need to find days that work to hang out with a few other friends that I haven't been able to see much at all the past few weeks. I'll try my best!

School has been going well. I have a math midterm tomorrow. Not too worried about it. I like math. English/Psychology are next week, yaa! I am looking forward and yet at the same time nervous to find out how my presentations went. We get our marks back today. Hope it went alright...

Starting to feel those winds blowing again though, and wonder what kind of change is in store for me this time. I don't think it will be a monumental change, but I do forsee some form of difference... something... I just don't know what yet. Maybe some lovely lady will just drop into my lap. That would be a change for sure! Hah!

Back is tensed... stress maybe, I don't know. Might need to sit in a hot tub in the near future. I wonder if the Racquet center's still works, or if its still even in there, hehe. Mmmmhmm I love hot tubs.

Not too much to complain about, in all honesty. No time to, really :)

Thinking outloud... excuse me. Some may read this and think ill thoughts or whatnot, and I assure you this isn't the case. Its simply me writing down my thoughts.

We all know I've had my moments for the last period of time. I don't know how long its been, but regardless, I've had my faults, my falls, and my screw ups.

I think I've been doing well coming to grips with what has been troubling me though. I now realize that just because you feel a certain way about someone, doesn't mean they will feel the same back. While its basic logic, it is very tough to come to terms with, and I believe I can say now that I have.

I need to allow myself to realize that sometimes the best things in life are around you, even right in front of you, and being caught up in emotions might make you miss them. I don't want to neglect my feelings, but at the same time I don't want to let myself be overwhelmed by them. I just want to be happy, to make others happy.

Damage averted...

Calmed myself with the help of two very helpful individuals. Thank you both.

*deep breaths*

Ok, I'm good.

Lots to look forward to.

My faults...

Why do I allow myself to do this?

Why do I give even the slightest of hope to the heart?

The higher I let myself fly, the farther the fall... the more pain endured... the more pain suffered...

Feelings flourish... I need to bottle them up... keep them away...

Safety...

...

Why?

Why me? Why now? I was supposed to be stronger...