Breaking Down Again...

I thought I was fine. I thought things were on the right path, that I was doing good finally. While I do admit I feel I am on the right path, I have just come to realize how narrow that path is, and how easy it is to fall off and hit rock bottom again.

The slightest thing, like seeing poetry written without dates, but reading the words, one can only assume its recent. It tears me apart, and inflicts more damage on myself than I could ever dream of doing. Reading words about awaiting a knight, a new knight, to take her away from this madness just crushes me. Her hero, now tainted and stained has been cast aside for a younger, newer one. One with potential, the proper bloodline of a hero. The pain.

I don't know what to do now, Im back at the bottom of things. I know the climb is a bit easier, because I know where the footholds are that will help me advance, the feelings right now are just as bad as they were a few months ago.

Where did I go wrong?

You'd think that someone like myself, someone who prides himself on his lack of emotions, would be able to handle something like that? I thought so to, but obviously based off my writing, that just wasn't the case.

Someday I'll be able to handle it all. Someday.

With the holiday season coming up, I am going to be a wreck. My dark dungeon seems like the ideal hiding spot, but that would be the old me. I will be out, and continue the social life, but its going to hurt. The memories of our first christmas, still etched into my skull. The look on her face, when she comes home to that little tree, with the lone ornament "Our First Christmas" the knowledge that there were many more to come..

Then I start racking my brain. How could someone plan so far into the future, at a time like Christmas, when they were so unhappy. I.. *sigh* those kind of thoughts kill me. I can't accept that there was unhappiness for so long, yet there were times when we were so content with the future that was coming. Look at Loki for example. I try to ensure that he is the happiest cat ever, with the knowledge that he was brought into a home of unhappiness, a home that wasn't going to be the one he thought he was coming into. A home of seperation. If I could turn back time, my one wish would be to spare him that ordeal, and would just have him by myself.

This should be a swift recovery I hope, I log into WoW and chat with my friends and things start to look better. I get to play Hockey tonight, and its the last week of classes before the holiday, things are good.

To the happy couple, I suppose it would be nice to wish them the best, and safe wishes for the holiday and whatnot, but right now... I can't. I'm sorry, but it would be wrong to wish false words of praise and happiness onto someone, despite everything.

Take care,

-Ryan Last, Exiled