Frustration.

I am frustrated... I think.

I'm bored, and sit here and watch as my friends all go off with their relationships and have quiet nights with each other. I guess its frustration... I don't know for sure. All I know is that it sucks. Its 8:30pm and I am bored to my skull.

I've burnt out with WoW. I will still play, but the fires are dwindling, and besides raiding, I dont have as much to do online as I'd like to. I love grinding, but my wrists are getting worse each character I grind. So I need to stop that, for a bit atleast. Fear not, I'll never quit, thats just not my style.

Which leaves me with little to do. With everyone off doing things as couples, I sit here twiddling my thumbs staring at a computer screen, or, like I am now, writing a blog bitching and moaning about my problems.

What to do?

Ariana's birthday party was nice, we bowled, had fun and had some laughs. With very little alcahol consumption it actually went quite nice. I don't even think I was that loud... *gasp* We had some nice times with cake and snacks afterwards, with presents galore for the little princess.

Anyways, this is a rant that I felt needed to be put. Don't get me wrong, I am not mad that people have relationships and are doing things together, hell, the LAST thing I want is to be a 3rd wheel, or have people drop plans together to include me or do something different. I guess I am just.. meh. Grumpy maybe. Will grumpy work? Regardless, I dont know whats wrong with me, save for the obvious.

I'm ranting, and noone wants to hear it, maybe I should go clean or something. I just don't know anymore.

Impatient.

The one word to define me.

On the outside I may seem quite patient, but every day that passes I feel Im wasting my life somehow. Not living up to my full potential. I am impatient to get my life going.

I'm excited for tomorrow. Pending weather of course, we get to start running. I want to get running so badly. I can't wait!

We went to Terrace on Saturday to get some presents for Ariana's birthday party (Can't believe she's 6. Why, its just like yesterday when I remember her moving in next door. Crazy world. Regardless, I got her a soccer ball so she can learn to play with the actual ball used, as opposed to a big light ball. She can practice while we run.

I am slowly starting with more changes in my life. I am going to be phasing out dress pants in the near future. I just think it is time I shred off some of the past, and start changing the way I am. I'm not usually a material type person, not caring how I look and whatnot... but I do want to make a few changes. We'll see what happens.

So, we shall see what happens. I am looking forward to the coming future. While I am impatient to get my life going, to get my relationship started, and to figure out where I want to be in the future; I need to make sure that I don't rush into everything too fast. Doing so could bring about my downfall.

Anyways, yeah, i'm done for now. Going to probably post again later.

Just the two of us...

we can make it if we try.

Stupid radio, always playing old songs that stick in the head.

So, the ever beautiful Nives and I have been hitting the track hard the past 2 weeks. Usually 1-1.5 hour sessions, we make some good progress towards our goal of a better body, and a happier feeling. It is good, and I am glad we do it. I wish it was all three of us somedays, but work does interfere.

One of the biggest things I am loving about doing these walks, save for spending time chatting with Nives, is that I get to spend time with Ariana. I want to see her succeed in life, to make something of herself, and getting her out in the fresh air, walking, playing, being social and interactive is a fantastic start. She is warming up to me slowly, a lot more than before which is good too, seeing as she'll be there most nights when we walk.

So, my legs feel good, my midsection is slowly toning itself, and my forearms feel great from the dumbells.. just need to get some more bicep work, and chest work. Need to get to the gym for that.

Monday we start running. I am really looking forward to getting the running going, to build stamina and that extra bit of work on my legs. I love my legs, I was told years back that I had awesome calf muscles. I want that back.

I am starting to feel happier everyday. I had a brief while there when I was really down, but now I am starting to get that climb upwards going, and aslong as I can feed off the motivation, dedication, courage and confidence of my two lovely ladies to keep me going, there is no limit to what I can do.

Work has been going well too, I have been working hard, and making progress with the students. I love my job, and pray that the school stays open and my job is there for me the next year :)

Been spending time at the SPCA a bit, hoping that a cute little kitten comes in that may make a great friend for Loki. I want two cats. I think Loki needs some friendship other than the human kind, and after the events that transpired yesterday with a little kitten and a hemo spec'd dog, I dont feel that comfortable with Loki outside. We'll see what comes of it all though.

I look forward to the next couple weeks. I intend to see this exercise thing through, and I'll be damned if Nina can escape my grasp when I am determined. She's going to be running everyday, mark my words :P

Showers...

are quite enlightening.

I think whenever I have some form of mental blockade to get through, I should just go have a shower. They seem to calm me down, and allow me to think properly.

I have always been a patient person, why am I turning into this alter-ego of a Ryan whenever the slightest thing hits me. Like, I am better than that. The world doesn't need the satisfaction of seeing me like that.

Patience is a virtue.

I am in no rush. I want to find someone yes, but also want to travel, and enjoy life. Stressing myself over being with someone is no way to enjoy life. I need to sit back, relax, and let the world revolve, and not worry so much.

Here's to enlightenment. /cheers

Seriously...

What am I doing? Seriously!

I sit here and mope, pout and bitch because the world won't work the way I want it to. How the fuck is this beneficial to me? Its bad enough I am withering away, and my health is on a steady decline... yet I still find time to push that aside and bitch about why I am sitting here lonely, and why I am not making moves to change that.

This is a useless, viscious circle that I've gotten myself into. Making progress, and then taking it away from myself by being an idiot. For fuck sakes, what is the use!

I sat up til 4:30am last night feeling sorry for myself because I didn't go out after my raid. But why should I feel sorry for myself, when I am the one who stayed in... like... bah! Add insult to injury, went and looked at all those happy faces from the pictures that are up from Rain. Assaulting myself mentally afterwards trying to get a solid reason out of myself as to why I am not there, enjoying the night, having fun and doing something.

It is raining now, which I believe is a direct result of my present mood. I am on the verge of just stopping completely. This is stupid. I am tired of it all, and don't know what to do to remedy it.

Do I move away? Do I just start going out on my own? Do I quit what I am doing now to make more room? Do I get out of my current living situation?

I wish the answers came easier.

God I am so tired of this.

/wrists.

The downside of it all.

Afternoon folks, its been a while I know, which in a way is a good thing, seeing as how I try to just post here when I am really having troubles, or if something really good has happened... the latter has not shown itself lately.

The last little while hasn't been too bad. I've had my bad days, and when they come around to visit, they bring the whole family. I feel as if I am getting more and more impatient daily, the need for someone in my life, and its not doing me any good. I need to sit back and relax, its just hard, when as each day passes, you convince yourself that its never going to happen. Yes, yes, I am quite skilled at convincing myself within that I have no hope of going anywhere in life. Its a curse that I can't get rid of.

Bowling is now over for the season. I wish I started playing from the beginning when I was asked. Bah, useless antisocial Ryan. He was good for nothing, and franky I don't want him back into my life. The final night was a long one. I didn't stay the entire time, my stomach pains came back and forced me to get home to my bed. /sigh.

So, here I am, wondering what I am supposed to do, how to go about things. Do I sit back and wait a bit, until I get my sanity together? Do I get out there and recklessly try to figure it all out? I was always a patient person, but even patience gets eager.

Let us hope my negativity doesn't act as a catalyst to crumble the foundation of our circle of friends. Lately things have been tense in parts of the circle, and I don't want to be responsible for that, or don't want to anymore if I was before.

Nothing is ever easy.

The problems within...

How does one make up for so much lost time?

I often ask myself how I am going to get caught up, for all that I've missed; chances and opportunities that have come and gone. Honestly, I have no answer. I've sought to find it, but so far nothing. Now here I sit, drifting backwards more and more.

I seem to be gradually drifting away from most of the circle of friends too, and that worries me. I don't know how to remedy that problem either. I know it is something that I need to deal with, but anything I try, will most likely backfire, and set me back farther. I don't want that to happen.

This morning, between the time I left the house to walk to work, and arriving at work, the power went out. Now, I don't know if I was somehow responsible for that... I really don't know. All I know is that it left me with a very uneventful day.

I wanted to do something, I wanted to go for a walk, get some exercise, coffee, anything.

Unfortunately, noone else was in the general area or wanting to talk to yours truly, so my desires for the day went unfulfilled, and left me feeling quite empty today.

I keep most of my depression to this blog. I am slowly building up the walls, and soon the stone like exterior of Ryan's emotions will be back, stronger than ever. Lack of emotion will help me I am sure. I've done it before, I can do it again.

I don't even have the passion to write tonight... god I hate this.

My life...