Do you ever sit there and wonder if you've spent far too much time worrying about something that you really shouldn't have? Something that you have no control over? Yeah, I know... guilty as charged.

I've been busy. Too busy sometimes. I have a pretty steady day most days, and while it may be a bit more socially focused than I am used to, I have no complaints. I try to get as much time with friends as I possibly can, without sacrificing school, or my health.

Lounged about yesterday for the greater portion of the day with a couple friends. Watched TV and whatnot, and just vegged, and had vegetable lasanga to boot. It was good though, something I don't do very often. I have no complaints. Besides, its always nice spending time with them. Cheers to that!

I do need to find days that work to hang out with a few other friends that I haven't been able to see much at all the past few weeks. I'll try my best!

School has been going well. I have a math midterm tomorrow. Not too worried about it. I like math. English/Psychology are next week, yaa! I am looking forward and yet at the same time nervous to find out how my presentations went. We get our marks back today. Hope it went alright...

Starting to feel those winds blowing again though, and wonder what kind of change is in store for me this time. I don't think it will be a monumental change, but I do forsee some form of difference... something... I just don't know what yet. Maybe some lovely lady will just drop into my lap. That would be a change for sure! Hah!

Back is tensed... stress maybe, I don't know. Might need to sit in a hot tub in the near future. I wonder if the Racquet center's still works, or if its still even in there, hehe. Mmmmhmm I love hot tubs.

Not too much to complain about, in all honesty. No time to, really :)

Thinking outloud... excuse me. Some may read this and think ill thoughts or whatnot, and I assure you this isn't the case. Its simply me writing down my thoughts.

We all know I've had my moments for the last period of time. I don't know how long its been, but regardless, I've had my faults, my falls, and my screw ups.

I think I've been doing well coming to grips with what has been troubling me though. I now realize that just because you feel a certain way about someone, doesn't mean they will feel the same back. While its basic logic, it is very tough to come to terms with, and I believe I can say now that I have.

I need to allow myself to realize that sometimes the best things in life are around you, even right in front of you, and being caught up in emotions might make you miss them. I don't want to neglect my feelings, but at the same time I don't want to let myself be overwhelmed by them. I just want to be happy, to make others happy.

Damage averted...

Calmed myself with the help of two very helpful individuals. Thank you both.

*deep breaths*

Ok, I'm good.

Lots to look forward to.

My faults...

Why do I allow myself to do this?

Why do I give even the slightest of hope to the heart?

The higher I let myself fly, the farther the fall... the more pain endured... the more pain suffered...

Feelings flourish... I need to bottle them up... keep them away...

Safety...

...

Why?

Why me? Why now? I was supposed to be stronger...

What good is it...

In trying to change things. Seriously?

Granted I am a tad under the influence, but regardless.

I'm fucking tired of my life. The way I am, the pushover that I've become.

Lord fucking knows my backbone is displayed out in front of me in the off chance someone wants to beat me with it first.

I'm mad at myself.

I allow myself to fall into these dark patches... I can't get out.

At this rate, the only thing that I have to look forward to is an early death. Thanks Doctor!

...

...

So tired...

Angels...

Probably not the best song for me, but it hits so hard. We all know how I am with my music. So few songs in this world make the hairs on my arms stand up, but here is another one. Within Temptation's Angels.


Sparkling angel I believe
You were my savior in my time of need.
Blinded by faith I couldn't hear
All the whispers, the warnings so clear.
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door.
There's no escape now,
No mercy no more.
No remorse cause I still remember

The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.

Sparkling angel, I couldn't see
Your dark intentions, your feelings for me.
Fallen angel, tell me why?
What is the reason, the thorn in your eye?
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door
There's no escape now
No mercy no more
No remorse cause I still remember

The smile when you tore me apart
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.

This world may have failed you,
It doesn't give the reason why.
You could have chosen a different path in life.

The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.

Two posts in one day, an hour apart... Not a good thing I suppose, if we know enough about me and that blogs usually come during dark times.

I have come to terms with myself and realize my limitations. I can't make everyone happy anymore... if anything I am having a negative effect on my friends. For that I am sorry, I never meant to cause trouble, I just wanted to help.

Its getting to that point where I need to unsheathe my daggers and don my armor once again.

Those Dreaded Dark Clouds...

I see them approach on the horizon. I know they are coming for me... I just don't know how to avoid them, how to get rid of them.

Have you ever found yourself in a position where you know that things can't be changed, but you still dare to hope? I've been in that position for a little bit now... but I think its finally hit me that I need to just let go of those thoughts and just focus on my life at hand.

This weekend was simply amazing though. These past two weeks rather. All drama aside, it was great to see one of our wonderful Kristin's come back and visit. Of course, circumstances weren't the best, but she still had a chance to visit and we thank her for that! It was wonderful to see you again!

I spent a lot of time this past week with another Kristin, working to help her setup anything she needed for the wedding, the party before and whatnot. While it was tough at some points, it was definitely worth it, as it was a huge success!

The wedding on Saturday was amazing. While the weather wasn't very pleasant it didn't damper our spirits one bit. I had the honor and pleasure of accompanying two wonderful Kristen/Kristin's to the wedding. The three of us were quite the stunning trio I must say. With the wedding itself, and the reception it was a great night to say the least.

A huge congratulations go out to Doug and Meagan on their wedding. I can't thank you enough for the opportunity to attend.

With weddings though, come the thoughts. I did well to keep my thoughts to myself through the wedding and whatnot, but one can't help but think about himself and where his life is taking him, when he sees something as life-changing, as a wedding.

I spent a few hours last night having discussions with a friend about such things... where life takes us, the things we can do to try and turn things in our favor, and ensure a happy life... Alas I need to remove one key component from my life to help with that. I need to stop thinking. Simply put, my mind is my biggest roadblock. I also realize I need to start leaving my safe zone, and start getting out of the norm that is me.

Those are things to look forward to. That and somehow remove these black clouds that are fast approaching.

Sorry it couldn't be more pleasant. There was definitely a lot of positives in these past weeks, but how often does positive material make it to this blog. Like... really...

This was a random post though... it had no real direction, so I apologize for the lackluster writing and the fragmented sentences. I'll try for a better post next time.

For the Dreamer.

Time has passed, I have watched friendships fade into nothingness. I have stood by and stared blankly into the distance as I saw my world crumble around me, yet did nothing to stop it.

Time has passed. But, just as time has passed and I watched chaos rule, and watched the pain and suffering, time has also passed and allowed me to bring myself back from the brink of destruction.

Time has allowed me to heal the wounds of that same past. Allowed me to find a new road, a road less travelled, a road that while, at this time, may seem wrong, may seem... foolish... it could bear the greatest fruits of all. That road is the road I now walk. Yes, its a long road, and at times is empty, devoid of all life save my own... but at other times, is filled with the love and joy that I share with my most cherished of friends. While this road I walk now may have its faults, and there may be times when I find myself face first in the mud, because I wasn't watching where I was going; I know, in my heart, that I will always get up and continue on my way, because this, this road that I have chosen for myself, is the road that I want to be on. That is my decision. No one can take this from me.

Life hasn't been bad these past few months. I have spent my time busy with the school district maintenance department. A job that I found would be far more beneficial than spending my time on EI. I feel at this point in time, despite missing softball for the most part due to fatigue, that it was a great decision. I learned a lot this summer. Far more than I expected. Many different trades, although just touching the surface of them, has given me a lot of knowledge for the future.

I have spent my time with friends. Seeing my darling dearest and her newborn when I can, and when she is feeling like visitors. At other times, I sit and read the postcards, and feel the pain of the feelings that won't get the chance to flourish outside of my own body. Other times still I can be found having a few drinks and rocking out to Rockband with a larger group of friends. Great times to be had by all. I spend time in deeper conversation with friends... discussing the important things in life, and often times find myself asking aloud why things that seem so good, can't be brought into reality. But sometimes there aren't answers... or that the answers are not the ones I want to hear...

I am three days away from my first class... I have waited a long time to take this step, to cross this threshold again, and I won't let anything stop me this time. I shall succeed and not even my own fears or my own words, can prevent it. I shall work hard, and do things properly this time. I won't fail.

To you, my Aggro. I miss you dearly. Regardless of what happens in life, I want to thank you for everything, and just hope that time does not allow us to drift too far apart, and that no matter the distance, we can still be friends. If I can have but that one request, I shall be ever so grateful.

I sit here now, listening to Requiem For a Dream, and I am inspired. This song fills me with so much energy that I don't know how to even begin to contain it. My spirit soars just hearing the opening few notes. I have a lot of energy contained... years of it... and this song has such an overpowering effect on me... it allows me to feel that energy on a much larger scale... to bask in it... A wonderful feeling indeed. My heart races as the tempo builds... Very few songs that my ears have heard have had such a result... its weird, I know. I'm crazy. I get it.

As it stands, life will go on. While I am still the single man that the world fell in love with nearly two years ago, I have changed expontentially in every other facet of my own self. I am proud of what I have become, what I have worked to overcome.

I won't let you down. This I promise.

To my friends, my loved ones... I now, as always, wish you the best in your lives.