The life of a fool.

This is my controlled space where I try my best to get most of my venting done. A lot of you don't read this because of that, and that is fine. Of course if you stumble upon this, please note that its simply putting my thoughts to words. I don't name names anymore, but alas, sometimes you still realize who you are when you are talked about.

Why do I feel like a fool? Let me tell you.

People have always told me I worry too much, that I put more concern into the welfare of others, than I do of my own self. Absolutely, and let me be the first to tell you that hasn't stopped. Despite everything I have been told, the advice, which I take to heart, but obviously it stays there and doesn't make it to my brain, I still find myself second, and everyone else who matters to me first. Due to that, I have watched my health plummet yet again. Not to the point where it has been, but I find myself dizzy at times, and very weak at others. I am eating more, yes, eating better yes, but still, the health decreases rapidly. That makes me feel foolish. That I can be so stupid not to realize that everyone is concerned about me, and in turn I still neglect myself and worry about you all.

When will I learn to put myself first? The only thing that I ever want to do to put myself first, is to get on that bus. But even then, I am unsure about that, simply because if its an inconvenience to you, then I'd be more concerned with your feelings on the subject and not mine. A lovely predicament I've gotten myself into it seems.

I understand fully that people have their own lives, and I can't be apart of them 24/7. Totally understandable. Hard to convince myself of it, but its understandable. I would be lying through my teeth if I said I was fine every time I found myself sitting alone. I am sure there is some medical term for that... Dependant or something. I need to feel like I am doing something. I need to feel like I am making a difference, that I actually have worth. Therein lies my problem... a lot of the time I am just sitting around, even online by myself, it makes no difference... thats when the thoughts start to brood.

Yeah, you probably look at me and say "Jesus Christ, what the hell is this guy's problem?". Truthfully, I think the problem lies within the fact that for once in my life, I am not needed. Its gotten to that point now. My friends have, for the most part, figured everything out, and I am no longer needed as that person to vent to, or that "bitching post"... Sure there are occasional times, thats fine... but not nearly as much as it was before.

Where does that leave me now though? What do I do with my life now that everyone has figured their own out?

Do you start to see where I have my problems? I am lost. I am a hypocrite, helping others to find their way, offering any assistance I can into their lives to make things a shred easier for them, and in turn I have become so dependent on that, that I have forgotten how to take care of myself.

I know this is a lot of bitching, and I apologize...

I am just finding it hard to cope with the fact that my life as I know it is about to change drastically and well.. I worry that I might get left out of even my own life.