Looks...

They say a picture is worth a thousand words...

Today I found out that not only does a picture have a thousand bad things to say about me, but it also can slap, and kick you. In the end the outcome is certain, it hurts.

I see pictures of myself and realize I am not a very good looking person... people assure me otherwise, but lately I've felt that is just to make me feel better. I see pictures of me from the side, and am absolutely disgusted by what I see. I... yeah.

I need a haircut too, my hair is growing a bit too long now, but unfortunately I am worried that once I get that haircut, my speedy path to baldness will become more visible.

All things combined this has left me with very little self esteem. I try to look at the bright side of things, but when a picture is shown to me, anything positive is quickly eradicated by the simple sight of a picture.

How does one deal with this though? I try to walk when I can, though these days that is less than I would like. I am really stumped. I still drink coke, more than I should, and still laze around the house, but that doesn't mean I am not active. 3 different sports, 2 jobs which I am on my feet at both for a good 90% of the shifts... I just can't seem to get myself looking a bit better.

Maybe its just a few select pictures that have me feeling so down, but its almost like I have a slouch too... great, now I am sporting a hunchback of Notre dame appearance... fantastic.

To top things off, I've been having serious communication issues... its like whatever plagues me is reaching out to people and fully turns them off from my presence... I mean, its apparent its a problem when I can't even get a hello out of some of my closest friends.

Of course, they may be busy, or have other pressing matters to attend to, but still, the fact remains that day after day I feel more and more alone in this world than I ever have.

Its a mood though, its obvious. Look at the signs. I am not like this often. Its usually when I get home late at night that I have these issues. Of course this will pass...

I am having doubts now too... School especially. I want to teach, but now I wonder if UNBC is the answer... maybe I should be taking courses here at the college...

Am I truly ready to step out into the world again? I cracked under the pressure in Kelowna and have done nothing but hide in the shadows since that fateful year. What does the world have in store for me?

So, as it stands, I've got a lovely list of things that need to be taken care of in the very near future.

1) Get out of this mood.
2) Try to figure out what I've done to cause these communication issues.
3) Finish my application process for school... No harm in at least applying.
4) Lose 20-30 lbs... fast. (without starving myself at the same time)
5) Slowly cut back on my gaming addiction... Maybe close an account or two. Not quit outright.


Lastly I suppose I can work a bit more on being a better person for those around me. Maybe thats what is missing... I don't have the world's problems on my shoulders right now, and its making me feel worse because of it...

What am I going to do?