Thoughts torment.

We all know that I think too much. The mind is an amazing thing, but has also proven time and time again that it can cause nothing but trouble.

I think about relationships. If my need to be in one is simply just my insecurity with being alone, or if it is a feeling that I need to know that I am appreciated. I don't know. Remember, I am not a doctor. Part of me is afraid to have my heart broken again though. I don't take well to that sort of thing, and I think it is a wall too high to climb over lately. I wish I had the answers.

I've often thought about moving. I don't know where, I don't know how I'd get there, but I've thought of moving. Maybe it would help me? My closest friends would be hurt by such a sporadic move on my part, but that would probably be it. Truth be told, I doubt the rest of the crew would be too lost without me. But how am I to know, there isn't too much communication in those sorts of things. Remember though, this is simply my thoughts. Don't read into this as I am determined. Note the title? Its just whats in my head.

I am trying to think of myself though. I do extend a helping hand whenever it is needed to anyone really, but that has taken its toll on me, and now I need to focus a bit more on myself. Now, don't go reading this as a "I don't want to help anyone anymore" mentality, I just simply feel that I've neglected myself and really need to sit back, and deal with my own demons.

That is where the moving comes into play. Would moving help me? Would it cause more problems? Would it leave me feeling lower than I already feel? So many questions that need answers.

At the same time, I don't think I could move away from my friends, especially my closest friends. While I am there for them when they need me, they are there more for me when I need them. To walk away from that would seem foolish no?

I've started a new job at Lax Kxeen. I am not as excited as I've been about jobs in the past, because the mornings are quite stressful. I will leave it at that. The afternoons are nice though, I really do enjoy working with my old teachers when I was in elementary school. I will keep with it and see what progress I make. If it gets to me though, I won't feel bad for stepping back. Sometimes it just can't be helped.

Bowling season is underway, and Hockey is fast approaching. Curling will be next month too, so things are, as I said in my last post, going to get busy. With all this underway, moving seems like a hard thing to consider. Especially because I'd be letting down teams now, as well as friends.

I am planning on taking another trip to Prince George around the 26/27th of October. I am not going to lie, I miss hanging out with Rachel. That is all there is too it. There is a void within me now, after being able to hang with Rachel/Ric/Jane/Rob/Lane and folks. While the void doesn't eat at me, its there. Thankfully it can go periods of time without feeding, just like me.

Now don't get me wrong. I have a blast hanging out with my friends. Just lately we don't see much of each other. We do in WoW, but not as much in person. I'd love to get a movie night or something with a few friends, or even another potluck dinner. I think that would be awesome. Something to bring us all together with. That is something to consider in planning. I think most of the friends are doing something for Thanksgiving, but that is out of my hands as others are planning it.

I'm having fun in Lord of the Rings Online too. The people within Rachel's kinship are really great. We have fun chatting, and they come down and help me out, since I am still a bit behind. But definitely fun to talk with. I find certain aspects of LoTRO quite fun, as I was showing Anita last night. The Emotes are simply hilarious. From handstands and pushups all the way to cowering in fear. They actually do emote too. I am waiting still to break my instance cherry in LoTRO. I think Sunday we are going to try for an instance. We'll see what happens though.

I've also contemplated a second job. Mon/Tue/Thur/Sat nights maybe. Something to help pay off the debts and whatnot. Its still up in the air though. I refuse to work where I'd have to shave the goutee. I don't mind doing upkeep on it, but I am not shaving it. It is going to be a tough call.

School is stil another big thought in my head. Currently if I went for a 6 year program to get my teaching degree (4 years for a Bachelor Science with a major in Physics or Psycology and then 2 years teaching program (its quite extensive at UNBC)) would put me at 30 when I was done... mentally that is huge. 30 years old... good lord. But at the same time, that leaves me 35 years to teach... thats pretty damn cool.

So that is the task at hand, figuring out how I am going to go about an education for teaching degree, figure out my work, figure out my relationship situation, and figure out my head... That doesn't seem too much for one person, right?

Til next we meet my friends, hopefully it will be a bit better of an update.

A Long Overdue Entry.

Well Blog, its me again. Hope you weren't too lonely while I was away gallivanting.

Things have been alright. I was a little disappointed yesterday when I found out that my position at Kanata wasn't given the hours, so they couldn't keep me. It hurt to have to tell the kids, especially the ones I helped last year, that I wasn't coming back. I am sure they'll find someone great though.

I just got back from Prince George. I took another trip to see Rachel and hang with Ric/Jane and friends, and I definitely had a blast. Spent a lot of time with them, despite the three of em all being sick. Rachel worked, but even that didn't put much of a dent into the week. We drank, danced, watched a bunch of movies and just relaxed. It was bliss.

I find myself really liking Rachel though. A beautiful smart woman, not to mention a D&D and MMO gamer. Absolutely a blast to hang around with, and makes me feel like a million bucks. We get along great I find. How could a guy not like that? In the end though... I just know my feelings. Not too mention she heads off to Europe for 3 months in the summer. And then moves farther away after that for educational purposes. Now don't get me wrong, I am the last person that is going to let something trivial like distance stand in my way, but to think of holding back someone else from doing the things they are meant to do, is a different story. All will be fine though.

No matter though, I did cherish my time with her and we are good friends. I am happy with that, and will continue to be happy with that. Of course, I'll still go and visit and whatnot. She likes the Lemon Hart. Good ol' Lemon Hart.

We had fun. I have no regrets. Oh, and Superbad = teh shit. Wickedly funny movie.

I went to the doctor today, and had a chat with him. I was hoping for a referral to deal with my tonsils, but it turns out that 1) He won't give me a referral because at my age, there is a higher chance of fatalities with this operation (lots of blood loss) and 2) The tonsils aren't the problem. It may be the adnoids, he isn't quite sure. I need to go visit when the problem comes back. I did find out that I've lost a significant amount of weight from when I went for the sleep study. Before I left for California I was down over 40lbs from that weight, now I am still down about 28lbs. The doctor figures if I lose another 8kg (20lbs) I'll be just below the average weight for my height/age. I am stoked.

Played Softball tonight... Oh how I missed playing. I feel I did quite well too. Went 3 for 3, with a single, a triple (missed 2nd base, had to run back, so I guess its a double) and an in the park home run (we played at Rosevelt). Oh... and I was walked. I was happy though, my in the park homer, which Nina hates me for because I made her run from first - home turned out to be the mercying run. Yaaa!

So, life gets to get a bit busier here soon. It is crazy to sit back and look at my schedule coming after Thanksgiving.

Monday: Free night.
Tuesday: Raid
Wednesday: Curling
Thursday: Hockey
Friday: Bowling
Saturday: Raid
Sunday: Hockey.

Suffice to say, it is busy. I can't wait though, those things will help me with my task ahead.

I find myself stepping back a bit from worrying. I guess I have been worrying far too much about everyone and not nearly enough about myself. So I am going to find that balance. I will still worry... c'mon, its in my blood. But yeah, not going to worry as much. Besides, everyone seems to be getting better these days anyways.

Life seems to be looking up. While I am still in my single role, I am not finding myself complaining about it nearly as much. I accept my status in life at the moment, and am I patient person. My heart knows what it wants.

Other than that now I am just passing the time waiting for work, and enjoying being around friends, and chatting the nights away. Ooh, and enjoying playing LoTRO... except being ragged on for being a dwarf... that kinda sucks.

Alright, I am rambling now. Take care world, til next we meet.

-Exiled.

The Betrayer.

The days just don't seem to be going fast enough.

I am chomping at the bit to hit the road again, and go for another visit to the PG area. I can hear my Lemon Hart calling to me from Rachel's freezer... the sweet succulent taste of that rum.. /drool.

I'm going to remember that Frets on Fire disc too. I showed Ric frets, and he seemed to take a liking to it. Its a bit better in a sense that you get the hear the lyrics, which rocks.

Going to get my license out of the way too. It is pretty sweet. My dad is going to buy a new vehicle, and they won't give him much for his trade in, so there is a good chance that Cavalier is going to be coming my way soon. I am very stoked. Its a great car, good condition. Perfect for those long travels, and getting around in town. /cheer.

Not too much else. Going to be out and about here and there. Bowling, Curling and Floor Hockey start soon, so my days are going to be just packed. I can't wait. I am going to get back into shape.

I'll leave you with the lyrics to a very epic song. World of Warcraft, for those who are familiar with Illidan. This song won the song contest at BlizzCon 2007. Enjoy.


Smoke rises from the ground he treads on,
death follows him behind.
Parts of the battle in the dark brings,
clouded tormented mind.
Banished for eternity,
wrapped in his dark legacy.

Illidan; Betrayer,
The Burning Legion comes
Will you stand before them,
Or will you turn and run
Dealings with Kil'jaeden
Have left you despaired
Yet you are declaring,
You Are Not Prepared!

Your closest comrades now desert you,
Looking round for higher pay.
Soon will come your devastation,
inching closer day by day.

Illidan; Betrayer,
The Burning Legion comes.
Will you stand before them,
or will you turn and run.
Dealing with Kil'jaeden,
have left you despaired.
Yet you are declaring,
You are Not Prepared!

Illidan Stormrage,
you've damned your cause.
Forsook your morales,
when they gave you clause.

Illidan; Betrayer,
The Burning Legion comes.
Dealing with Kil'jaeden
have left you despaired.
Yet you are declaring,
You Are Not Prepared!

The Life of Ryan Last.

Well blog, it has been quite some time.

The last month has left little room for blogging, and while I do regret not getting around to it during my trip, I feel now I will be able to put everything down in one fell swoop.

Lets start out with the first very important point: Bus trips are long, painful journeys. While I feel stronger from enduring over 130 hours of bus seat horribleness, I feel absolutely drained.

California was wonderful though. A cultural, climate, and social shock awaited me at every turn during my time there. I was a minority for the first time ever, in a place that housed over 4 million people, and reached temperatures of 105 degrees during my time down there. (Yes, it gets hotter)

I enjoyed myself though. Opened my mind and my appetitie to all the foods that America has to offer. Mexican, Chinese, Japanese, even American fast food, such as In n' Out burger, and Legends. Food is a whole different ballgame in America, they take it quite seriously. While I did enjoy the food immensely, I paid the price... I gained a few pounds during my time down south.

I am very proud of myself for following through with the trip too, the simple fact that I knew nothing about the Earl family save for their names, and their location. I took a risk, while it was for the most part controlled, it was still a risk. I was pleased with my results.

Between Zoos, malls, beaches, BlizzCon, Disneyland, Roller-coasters, family dinners, racing at the race track, and 4 hour arcade sessions at Dave and Buster's I found myself with little time for WoW (Yes, I still played, but not nearly as much).

I am glad I went, no regrets.

The trip back from San Bernardino was interesting... barely making my bus in LA, nearly missing the bus altogether in both Sacremento AND Seattle, plus an overextended stay at the border, and a missed Vancouver bus that was caught up to in Coquitlum, followed by a broken down bus near abbotsford, and a bus driver who smacked a pole just pulling out of Hope... it was eventful to PG.

Ahh, Prince George. Definitely a highlight of the trip. I really had a lot of fun getting to hang out with Rachel for an extended period of time, not just a brief dinner. Getting to chat more with her helped strengthen a friendship which I couldn't be happier with. Seeing Ric and Jane was great too... hell, just being around the three of them together, watching a movie and getting stupidly drunk made me feel just fantastic. I really enjoyed being there.

I will be making another trip back up to Prince George, as soon as I can. Fear not Rachel, Aggro is coming!

So, that has been the last month. I am home now, in my dungeon, alone... haven't gotten Loki yet either, so its truly alone lol... installing LoTRO to play with Rachel and then Ric/Jane too when they come back from their break. Hopefully my computer won't crap out on me... ugh, I pray that it works.

I have had a lot of fun this past little while, and it has helped me a lot. I feel like a better person for the decisions I've made. I stand by them, and wouldn't have it any other way.

I hope to get back to blogging more frequently in the near future.

Order Must Be Restored.

A riddle if you will.

A quest of love,
Ends with me.
Yet I am made,
Endlessly.
If I drop,
I say my name.
If I touch rock,
Freedom gain.

I never liked riddles, but always enjoyed this one.

Life goes on. Finding myself bored most days, with no work. I have noticed a growing trend, that I don't like. I am getting lazier, getting fatter, and frankly getting more depressed. I do find highlights in my days though. Talking with friends, going out and about, and even just going for walks. The walks really help.

I am still looking forward to heading out to California. Really glad Caity and Logan don't live in the northern part of the state too. For obvious reasons.

This morning I need to get my EI dealt with. Gotta finally get that ball rolling.

I hope that special someone finds me soon though, while I have always been a patient person, and display a calm, cool, and collective face... I am finding myself chomping at the bit. I don't like this single life one bit.

True Feelings.

How does one deal with their true feelings? I am finding myself getting to many crossroads in my travels, and the road that I want to take, is blocked. I see the other roads, and they seem clear, and easy... but it isn't what I want. So, how do I deal with the feelings?

I often mentally abuse myself because I am too caring, and I set myself up for hurt. I worry far too much about everyone around me, and very rarely take a moment to look at myself. Now, I am not saying that I have to stop completely, because I could never do that. What I do mean is that if I care too much, and try to help those around me, I am going to eventually become a pest and need to be removed. I don't want that.

I realized that I need to get my life going. I was kids. A beautiful daughter named Sera. (Yes, Sera is going to be my first daughter's name.) I want to have a wife that I love, and would do anything for. I want to be happy and have that life that I wake up in the morning and want to be apart of. Not the cold embrace of my empty room.

Of course, these are just mental observations. I realize I need to get out there, that these things won't just come find me, but certain feelings stop me from moving forward.

Nothing is ever easy.

Other than that, things are going good. Work is over for the summer, I am growing a goutee (It isn't half bad), and am spending time with my lovely ladies Nina and Anita. <3 ya girls!

I am really happy that I've been talking with Rachel and Kristen a bit more too. The three of us are all dealing with being alone, and it is great to help up each other when we need it. That and its been a while since Rachel and I talked much, so I think it is really good. Except the fact that the world sees just how fucked up I am lol!

Alright, I need to crash. Been a long day.

Happiness will find me. It has to.

To the depths of hell with me.

The title says it all.

I try to do what deep down, feels like the right thing, and all I do is hurt people. I hurt their feelings, which is the worst of all.

I don't deserve the friends that I have. The best ones I hurt the most. I'm sorry.

To hell with me. May I burn for all eternity.