The problems within...

How does one make up for so much lost time?

I often ask myself how I am going to get caught up, for all that I've missed; chances and opportunities that have come and gone. Honestly, I have no answer. I've sought to find it, but so far nothing. Now here I sit, drifting backwards more and more.

I seem to be gradually drifting away from most of the circle of friends too, and that worries me. I don't know how to remedy that problem either. I know it is something that I need to deal with, but anything I try, will most likely backfire, and set me back farther. I don't want that to happen.

This morning, between the time I left the house to walk to work, and arriving at work, the power went out. Now, I don't know if I was somehow responsible for that... I really don't know. All I know is that it left me with a very uneventful day.

I wanted to do something, I wanted to go for a walk, get some exercise, coffee, anything.

Unfortunately, noone else was in the general area or wanting to talk to yours truly, so my desires for the day went unfulfilled, and left me feeling quite empty today.

I keep most of my depression to this blog. I am slowly building up the walls, and soon the stone like exterior of Ryan's emotions will be back, stronger than ever. Lack of emotion will help me I am sure. I've done it before, I can do it again.

I don't even have the passion to write tonight... god I hate this.

My life...

Low Peaks, and Deep Valleys.

What am I going to do with myself?

This week has been alright, I must admit, there have been a few small peaks in my life. One big peak, and a lot of deep valleys.

Between power outages, mood swings that would make most women cringe, and my body feeling like an Icy prison, I have somehow made it through the week.

I need to find the missing link to this puzzle. I find myself frustrated more and more with it. I just don't have a clue where to look.

Went out to watch the Swollen Members concert on Thursday night with Kristen, Meagan, and Andrew. Was definately a good time. It was nice to sit and bullshit with them, since its something I rarely do with those three. Besides it being my first time stepping foot in "The Underground" it was also my first time seeing Kristen's place. (Self congratulatory pat on the back for finally getting there). While we didn't stay for the entire performance, what we did see I enjoyed. I remember a lot of their older music, and it was good to hear it again.

That was my big peak of the week, getting out and going to that concert. I went 5 days without caffiene, before I cracked and had a coke at bowling tonight. Just a can mind you. However, I am convinced that this is the reason that I've been feeling this way. My mind is punishing me for trying to cut more out of my life I guess.

Anyways, this is enough being emo for the next few hours. Or so I hope. Right now I am feeling an all time low, and really have no way to boost myself from it. Wallowing in self pity ftw.

Good night friends, stay strong lest ye wind up down here with me.

Me, Myself, and I.... I grow weary of this.

I grow tired.

Life is slowly losing its meaning to me again. I'm falling back down into the depths from which I started. The worst part is... I don't know how to stop falling.

I don't want to date. I don't want to be sitting here alone either.

I stand alone in this... I look around and realize that everyone I know has an equal, someone to compliment them. Someone who they can talk to when they really need do, regardless of the time.

I'm wandering. Aimlessly it seems.

I guess I'm just really down lately. I went to Terrace with Nina and it was great. I really had a good time. We were able to talk, and I think thats where it got me, I was talking to someone in the flesh. I was able to vent, listen, and offer opinions. I don't seem to do that much these past few weeks.

I find I am really missing being in a relationship. I miss getting to know someone to the point where you could practically have retold their life. I miss being able to sit down and have a talk, laugh, be together. I miss coming home to someone truly special.

I don't want flings, one night stands or even false hopes at happiness. I want the real deal, someone I can spend my life with.

I just wish it were that easy...

I am looking forward to my trip. I really am. Hopefully there won't be any complications, but essentially my first goal is to get debt paid. Even if it means taking out a loan, I need to get these debts paid soon. I feel like its bringing out negativity, and I really don't need that. After my debts are cleared, I can focus on my tasks at hand.

I am trying to head uphill. I'm lifting weights, and trying to eat better. I am going to stop drinking coke. I am actually contemplating just quitting 100% and never seeing another can... but I've been warned that can have some serious health issues too.

I fear the worst for my current living situation. Upstairs is going to be wanting to make some changes to the way I do things down here, and I can't afford to allow those changes to happen... so what do I do? I'm going to be faced with a problem shortly, I know it.

My Carpal Tunnel is getting bad. I can feel it. I'm scared for what may happen. I need to cut down on World of Warcraft. I think starting tomorrow I just might. I'm limit my time a bit, try and get out more and make some progress on my life.

I so desperately need to get my life figured out. The gym didn't work, we just didn't all work at it with the dedication it needed. However, we did do a few walks, which was good. I think I may need to try a solo route for those sorts of things. We'll see what happens. I'd very much like to do the walks with others.. walking alone just doesn't work.

I know typing this makes it all emo, but it does help... thats what its here for right? My thoughts, problems and feelings, without having to bitch at someone about them. I do however, apologize to anyone reading them. I thought I was getting better too.

I do hope to figure this all out. I will still keep my eye out for that one person meant to be in my life and hope that all goes well.

Yours truly,

Ryan Last.

The Legacy that is me.

Well, its definately been a fun few weeks.

Snowboarding went very well. I think that I got the hang of it. We had a lot of fun, had a few relaxing drinks, and all in all it was a great experience that I wouldn't trade for anything.

Curling the next day was a blast too. Despite my obvious lack of finesse (21 stones through the house) I had fun, when I kept my head on my shoulders. I was in quite a bit of pain from the day before, and the pure pwnage I suffered from the mountain, but played through it, and we had fun. We won 1 game (our first, the earliest of course) and lost the other 3.

I got my right hand fitted for a sleeping brace for my Carpal Tunnel.. Hopefully it'll help me get over flexing my wrists while I sleep... Hopefully.

The last few weeks have been good. I've been keeping busy online, and walking a lot. Hit the gym once /wrists.. Really gotta start doing it more. Maybe this month I'll start making a few trips down in the morning. We'll see though.

So I've decided that I am going down to California in the summer. I'm going to visit a few friends, relax, and enjoy the sun. I need a vacation. I think its been like.. wow.. 10 years maybe? Since my last actual "Vacation". Who knows... maybe it'll be what I need to get out of this rutt that I've been in mentally the last little while.

I don't really know what else to write. I've been really bored lately with myself. I think I'm falling back into bad habits, and I really need to change that. Something to strive towards atleast.

Take care friends, hopefully the day finds you well.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.

For just...

"One more time to escape from all this madness
One more time to be set free from all this sadness
And one last time to be the one who understands

My soul and my spirit will go on, for all of eternity"

What can I say, its a good little bit from Dragonforce's "Cry for Eternity" song.

So, not a ton has been happening since the last time I posted. The last bits of stuff from the past have been removed from my place of residence, which is good for both parties. I can say that its a bit of relief off my shoulders for the simple fact that now Loki can't destroy anything that doesn't belong to me, or Mike (Mike knew the risks when he moved in for this temporary stay). That happened last weekend.

I am getting excited. The Skiing trip is mere days away. I can't wait. I've got my brother's gear, and am ready to learn the art of snowboarding. I came to a conclusion though. Regardless of how I do Snowboarding, at the end of the day I'll look damn good doing it. Yes, my brother has good taste when it comes to picking out gear for boarding.

So, that will be friday morning and afternoon. Upon getting home in the evening, we will be having a fun filled night of drinking while bowling. Friday night league bowling ftw. That too, should prove to be quite fun, and relaxing.

Saturday we have the very anticipated Curling tournament. I won't call it what it is, because I can't remember how its spelt. <3 style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">So yeah, the curling should be great. It'll be a good chance for Eso, Anita, Nina and I to sit back, relax, have a great time, and have a few drinks. I am looking very forward to it. Hopefully the rest of the team is too.

Now, being "Emo" as I am told, I need to make sure there is something bad in every post, right?? Thats how it works right? Im still new to this, but fear not, I won't disappoint.

I went to the doctors today, and found that I have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Bilateral, which I assume means both wrists are fucked. Regardless I am not the happiest of people at the moment, but I will survive. My hands have always been like Ice... I guess this is just them telling me something is wrong.

Anyways, so, yeah, the solution is that I am going to be getting fit for bracers to help ease the pain and reposition my wrists properly. Bracers though... which we all know means stats... Below I have thought up what I figure the bracers will be stat wise. Epic of course, because well... its me, and I can't lie. I am an epic person. Enjoy.



Bracers of Recklessness
Bind on pickup

Armor: 649
Strength 40
Agility 25
Stamina 30
Socket: Yellow Socket
Socket: Yellow Socket
Socket: Red Socket

Equip: Increases to hit rating by 14.
Equip: Increases Critical strike chance by 33.
Chance on Hit to increase the verbal damage inflicted by 15%.


Given that they will be enchanted with +12 strength, and can be socketed with some lovely +AP and Crit chance gems, these bracers should be quite useful.

I call them recklessness, because it was very reckless of me to play so much that I brought this kind of effect to myself. So, now to get an ergonomic keyboard /grumble and learn to pwn with it.

Take care friends. As always, I will try to have pictures up for you as soon as I can. Kayaking still needs to get uploaded.

-Ryan Last, Death on Angel Wings.

Live for the day...

when we must stand and survive.

Ahh, Dragonforce, how I love thee. Fields of Despair may be an emo song by most, but by god it is a great song, great instruemental, and all around a great adrenaline pumper for me atleast. By far one of my most favorite with Starfire right beside it (I love Starfire, but Fields of Despair is just.. wow)

So, my life, yes, yes, I know I haven't been posting nearly as much as I have in my emo state, and I suppose that is a good thing. Some saw this site as a crutch to help me cope with things of the past, and now for me, it is a place where I can just let out all thats happened, accomplishments that I deem to be quite important in my life.

We've had some interesting events the last week or so.. Lets see. Our adventure takes place two weeks ago, when our plans for a trip to Terrace for an Ice Cream cake were thwarted by the evil lack of a babysitter for Ariana. Pwned in the face, yes sir! Anyways, yes, onwards with the story. We decided that we would attempt the trip again last week, and this time we made it on the road. Terrace was good, a little cold, but good nonetheless. We did a bit of shopping, had a drink at Boston Pizza. /lovemeteorpizza. Oh, and a piercing for a certain somebody. Anyways, yeah, so we spent the greater portion of the afternoon there, and we decided after hitting Canadian Tire that it was time to go home. So, halfway to home, the Radiator Coolant hose breaks a leak and we are stranded 1/2 way home.. which, you all know is out of cell phone signal range... its practically the deadzone. Regardless, darkness crept up on us, and before we knew it we were chilaxing on the side of the road, in the cold, with a car that just didnt want to get up and go. Thanks to a few very nice citizens, we were able to get home after one gentlemen got ahold of Eso and he was able to come out and rescue us, so to speak =D. The Tow-truck got the car home, and we all rejoiced, and there was very little ice cream cake eatage... /grumble. However! the cake did survive the near 5 hours out of the freezer.. Alas, the Dilly bars... not so much. Though, they were still edible.

That was Saturday. Sunday however, for me atleast was a much nicer and life-altering day.

Our heroes start their day in the wilderness of Kloya Bay. So, Anita and I decide that we are gonna go check out Kloya Bay, it was a really nice day, and I hadn't recalled being down at Kloya ever.. My parents assure me I did once before, but that was when I was 5. /shrug. Maybe my balding nature is getting in the way of my memory. Regardless, while at Kloya Bay, Anita made mention she really wished she could go kayaking.. Now, those who know me, know that I have a fear of water.. I can't even dunk my head in the water anymore, once it hits my neck I panic.. crazy eh? Well, here's the really crazy part. Out of my mouth, I say "Lets do it then, lets go Kayaking"... /le gasp. Anita seemed pretty excited, and I was pretty stoked, because Kayaking is one of those things you dont really expect to do, given my situation, but I'll be damned if I pass up an opportunity again. Within 45minutes, we had Kayaks out at Kloya, suited up and getting in the water.

All I can say is WOW, what an experience. Kayaking is such a great, relaxing, and truly epic time. I enjoyed every minute out on the water, and endless smile I haven't had on my face in years, many years. Regardless, probably the highlight of the year for me. Hockey games are truly great, don't get me wrong, and I loved watching the sharks play, but man... on that water, a whole different ballgame my friends. The water was calm, like kayaking on crystal. Not a single wave, ripple, or break in the water's surface. We had a seal following us the duration of our Kayak. We named him SealzOrz. Towards the end, we actually had him circling us, popping up relatively close and just yelling stuff at us, in seal language. Alas, this isn't Everquest, I dont know how to speak Seal.

All in all that was a great day, that far outweighed the 3 hours of cold that the skeena brought upon us. I am definately going to be getting out onto the water more that much is apparent. I sit back and look at how the last few years, I wouldn't even go on a sailboat, but yet here I am Kayaking... Lawls, funny how that is eh?

Anyways, that was last week, this weekend is a bit more relaxing, NID day on Friday, I get to relax and get rid of my cold. Saturday shall be cleaning and drinking, and sunday... oh yes... Sunday. The Tournament is over, and I will be playing hockey again. /cheer.

Now, the real treat.. Next week! Ooooh man next week.

Friday: The day starts off at 7am. Myself and Mistress Anita are taking a trip up to Shames Mountain. Yes, you heard me correctly. Shames Mountain. A place that I said I would never go up on, I am going. Snowboarding here I come. Skiing for Anita.. Though she assures me I am making a huge mistake by Snowboarding... Frankly I welcome the pain. So yeah, the whole day is up on Shames, melting our own faces and having a great time. I can't wait. Mr. Hikida's class is up there with us, it should be good. The kids really get along well with me, and listen quite well.

Saturday: The Teacher's Curling Bonaspiel.. /cheer.

Team Makeup: Nina leads, Ryan Destroys, Anita pwns, and Eso stands and yells HURRRAY! really loud, while twofisting Coors Light. Yes yes.. It shall be good.

Now, of course, we'll be a little hurt from the day before of Skiing, but I think we can do well. I've got a bit of practice from Valentine's day Curling that Anita went to. Man... Valentine's day, what a great day to curl. Heheh.

Anyways, thats about all I got in the tank in terms of writing. So I will leave y'all with that.

The link below is to my images, I will have the Kayaking ones up later tonight I hope.

http://s130.photobucket.com/albums/p271/Rygasm/

So yeah, enjoy my friends, and I shall see you as time goes on.

-Ryan Last. I am Oblivion!
To be with me is... Rapture.

Missing in Action.

What can I say, its been a relatively busy last 3.5 weeks.

The Burning Crusade went live, and I was going hard in the game 2 days after (when we finally got our copes. Thanks Kris!) Currently I am sitting 2 bubbles from 69, nearly there.

I've been out and about, bowling and drinking, and having fun with friends. I've found myself watching quite a bunch of episodes of series the last while. Farscape and the Peacekeeper Wars, and just recently we finished Firefly, and Serenity. Very great series, I love them to pieces.

Im enjoying life, although its the single life, its a life that I find myself smiling to be in. I don't find myself lonely anymore, and the thoughts in my head of the past have dissipated. I look forward now, not backwards.

Loki is getting bigger, he's a fantastic cat. Though he torments Mike a lot, he means well.... Lawls. He's filling in quite nicely, a very sleek, slender, and ever wicked with those blue eyes. Loki lives up to his name. (If only I could get a cape on him)

Hockey goes well, Im playing a lot more. Scoring goals, getting assists, and slowly climbing the ranks in the scoring race. While in Vancouver I picked up a new pair of gloves, and a jersey (Go Sharks!)

Speaking of Vancouver... Oh man, what a great time. I wish I got more pictures. I'll post more about it over the next few days Im sure.

My birthday went well too. We went to the Crest for dinner, and had a nice relaxing night. It was all that I could've asked for. Thanks guys and gals, your the best! <3 to my two ladies especially :P

Starting to walk more with my ladies too. Speaking of which, thats where I am heading now.

Take care my friends.

Ryan.