The Wheels of Time turn...

Well, Yesterday had a few high points, and low points...

I'm thankful to have friends right now, I really need them. Eso and Anita took me for Lunch at Solley's and it was quite refreshing to rekindle my friendship with alcohol. I ate, which is something I haven't been doing much of, and I got to chat with friends I don't see often, because I've allowed myself to become a social outcast. As I said earlier, I chatted with and in a group chat, and that went alright. Though hard. I started to meltdown around 5ish. I couldn't control myself. Thoughts were flying around in my head like mad, driving me mad at the same time. It was horrible.

Shortly after my little meltdown, Jon came by, I was thankful he did, we just sat around a chilled, I showed him FF12, and then we watched random bits of television until Nina showed up at around 8:30. They left shortly after. I had called my dad for advice. Frankly, you may read this, and say to yourself, "Damn, this guy is fucked up". For the most part its true. I can only be who I am, no more. I am trying to take the steps nessecary for me to get over this, and get on to the road to happiness, but I keep letting myself get brought down.

The night was hard, I didn't get much sleep, I was bothered by once again, thoughts terrorizing me. I went back to the happier years of our relationship, sitting at 's house sitting house, watching TV and holding each other throughout the night, being surrounded by friends, laughing, enjoying each others company. To times where I was happy, and she was happy. I was reminded of times we'd sit there, on the phone when she was at school, and talk about children, and what we'd name ours. She was determined to have a boy named Damien, I, was to name the girl. Those kind of thoughts can crush a man in my state of mind. But, I look at it and smile, our relationship wasn't all bad, we had our moments. In a way, I'm happy we are all playing WoW, especially the girls. I know it will come to an end, but for now, I'm happy.

Work was a bit rough, I found myself dozing off at Recess and Lunch, relaxing on the couch in the staff room. Alas, I also got stuck thinking there. Deep down inside, I worry for , I don't want her to make the same mistake that she made with me. She loved me, and tormented herself for months and months because of that. I want her to be happy, not just jump headlong into this, and wind up getting hurt.

I'm going to see what happens today, see if I can handle the night. is at school I believe, I may go to cards, I haven't decided.

All I know is, after you lose something, you realize how badly you want it back. I can honestly say that I would give anything, including my life, to have her back. I would give up everything I have, to try again. That, I'm afraid, is THE hardest thing I am trying to get over. The fact that I do still love her, despite her unhappiness, and would change any way possible, to have her back.

*sigh* This is going to be hard.

-Ryan Last, Exiled.